Why Should We Consider Self-Compassion a Life Skill We All Need?
“If compassion means ‘Love your neighbor as yourself,’ Self-compassion can mean ‘Love yourself as your neighbor.’”
By Emily Patterson, LICSW, PIP
By Emily Patterson, LICSW, PIP
One life skill that is much easier said than done is Self-Care, particularly in the area of Self-Compassion. We know that practicing self-care brings better health later, but this can be such a hard task to put into practice, especially since so many of us reading this are HELPERS either professionally or function in this role within our families.
The demands upon our time and energy are high.
We are constantly performing, working hard to serve our families, our employers, our churches, and our communities. When giving advice, we may encourage others to set limits, be gentle with themselves, and to rest and recuperate when needed. We listen compassionately when our friends come to us with feelings of being “not good enough” or “too much.”
Even though we may believe that we’re trying to break out of the performance-based value system that seems to haunt us, we still measure our own performance daily and hold ourselves to perfectionistic standards.
We won’t allow others to bully our loved ones, but we frequently bully ourselves with critical self-talk. Unfortunately, too many of us fall victim to having higher expectations for ourselves than we do for others.
Webster’s dictionary defines compassion as “sympathetic consciousness of others’ distress together with a desire to alleviate it.” Similarly, Self-Compassion could be described as “sympathizing with yourself and taking steps to alleviate your stress.”
Jesus referenced the command to “love your neighbor as yourself” (Leviticus 19:18) just before telling the Parable of the Good Samaritan, which offers a beautiful illustration of what it means to be a good “neighbor” by showing compassion without judgment. Like the Good Samaritan, many of us would never hesitate to go out of our way to help others when they are struggling, and we find it easy to give them grace and encouragement.
If compassion means “Love your neighbor as yourself,” Self-compassion can mean “Love yourself as your neighbor.”
We need to treat ourselves with the same kindness and gentleness that we would for anyone else.
We cannot expect flowers to appear where seeds have not been sown. We must plant seeds of self-compassion so that we can model the importance of good self-care to those we are tending.
Here are a few seeds of Self-Compassion that are easy to sow:
1. Practice having compassion for your future self.
Do the task that your future self will thank you for later. Sometimes when I don’t feel like getting motivated to complete a chore, I think about how much time and stress I’ll save “future-me” by doing it now. It’s so much easier for me to get things done when I’m doing them for someone else… even if that person is “future-me!” Whenever I am actually enjoying the results of “past-me,” I always get a little dose of self-love by thanking “past-me” for being so awesome!
2. Prioritize.
We are all given different missions during different seasons of our lives.
Sometimes, we add so many goals and missions onto our to-do lists that we become overwhelmed.
We have to define what our top priority mission is right now, and evaluate whether the other tasks, needs, and demands on our time will help or hinder in completing this mission. If it is a hindrance, then we must set a boundary around those tasks and needs that take away from the energy of our primary mission.
3. Set a Boundary.
The concept of “setting boundaries” has become popular self-care lingo these days.
Despite the popularity of the concept, most of us still have difficulty with saying “no” to requests for our time, attention and efforts.
The fact is that setting a boundary, or saying “no,” is simple!
What becomes more challenging are our fears and anxieties that follow the “no.”
Here’s a three-step model for setting a boundary:
Be gracious – “I’m so flattered that you want my help in planning this event...”
Decline – “…but I won’t be able to commit this time.” No need to offer a reason or excuse – you can say “No” without cause.
Work through discomfort – Not offering an excuse or explanation will feel scary and awkward at first, but it gets easier with practice. Remind yourself: “Future-me will be so relieved to not be overwhelmed!”
4. Ask for help.
In Brene Brown’s work, The Gifts of Imperfection, she highlights: “Until we can receive with an open heart, we are never really giving with an open heart. When we attach judgment to receiving help, we knowingly or unknowingly attach judgment to giving help.”
We have to ask ourselves, “Am I deriving self-worth out of never needing help, but always offering it?” Gaining a self-awareness about our own reluctance to ask for help or accept help is vital to our practice of self-care. Learning how to receive help from others can be one of the greatest self-compassion skills we will ever learn.
5. Give yourself grace.
Perfectionism is something that many of us struggle with, despite knowing that it’s impossible to attain. Forgive yourself for mistakes, lapses in judgment, and occasional hurtful behavior. Focus on the efforts you put forth and celebrate small victories each day.
Self-compassion is a life-skill that too many people wait to learn until later in life. My hope is that we can all begin to model self-compassion to the younger people in our care so that they recognize this skill as a normal practice.
Emily Patterson works as a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Counselor with Joyworks Counseling, LLC in Daphne, AL.
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