What is Your Enneagram Conflict Style?
“Consider how understanding your type can help you resolve conflict faster!”
By Audrey Hardin, MS LPC
By Audrey Hardin, MS LPC
Stress, crisis, and conflict can bring out the worst in all of us. (Just look at the last year). It exposes our fear, our shame, and our anger …our sin. The majority of people that end up in my office come because of one or all of these disruptions —which, over time, can push us further away from each other and our goals.
At our core, each one of us desire harmony in our relationships. Our enneagram number helps to shed some light on what our typical pattern is to achieve this. *However, even if you don’t know your type, I’m pretty sure you can determine your style simply by considering the descriptions below.
The Harmonic patterns of the Enneagram tell us how each type reacts when they don't get what they want –specifically in stress, crisis, or conflict.
When we are in conflict with another person, our personality structures often get in the way. We become frustrated because the other person doesn't see things the same way we do!
In our family…we all have different conflict styles which have caused some frustration and hurt when any one of us are feeling stressed and disagreeing. However, understanding what we each want and what we are afraid of has increased our patience and appreciation for the other person …in turn, helping us to resolve the conflict more quickly.
Depending on your type, you can respond in one of three ways based on what you do to reestablish harmony in a relationship:
Reactive
Positive Outlook
Competency
So, consider the strategy of each style and what each one needs in order to effectively and efficiently resolve your future conflicts.
REACTIVE (Types 4, 6, and 8)
Reactive types “react” under stress and conflict with emotion. They seek to “sound the alarm” to alert others that a problem exists, and it is important to attend to. They do so to regain safety quickly by alerting everyone that a problem is threatening their security and peace and to keep them from being hurt.
How to resolve well with a Reactive type:
Recognize that Reactive type needs you to acknowledge the presence and importance of the problem. Mirror and validate the other person’s concerns. If they continue to escalate in reactivity, it’s probably because they feel you minimizing or dismissing their emotions and fears and backing away instead of helping them to feel heard.
How to grow as a Reactive type:
Remind yourself to breathe and that the conflict or problem is not the end of the world –but in the hands of the One who created the world. Consider stepping away to regain your center and seek to address the problem rather than just worrying about it.
Remember that some types have a harder time dealing with negative or painful feelings. Don’t expect the other person to react as you do. Some people truly are not comfortable expressing their feelings.
With a Competency type, you can communicate your concerns more effectively through logic than through feelings. With a Positive Outlook type, try to keep the focus on solving the problem rather than repeating what a bad situation it is.
POSITIVE OUTLOOK (Types 2, 7, and 9)
Positive Outlook types prefer to focus on the positive aspect of life and not focus on the conflict at hand. “If I don’t acknowledge it, it’s not there” -mentality. They tend to deny that there is a problem in order to maintain connection, fun, or peace with the other person/s.
How to resolve well with a Positive Outlook type:
Remember that the Positive Outlook person has a harder time dealing with negative or painful feelings. Don’t expect them to respond as you do. Try to keep the focus on solving the problem.
Also consider reminding them that if they look at the facts of the problem and work with you to resolve, it will yield a positive outcome. Emphasize that with their help, you will get to the solution faster and have it behind them.
How to grow as a Positive Outlook type:
Remind yourself that the problem won’t go away by ignoring it. You must acknowledge the problem and resolve it. Things will be better once the problem has been dealt with. If dealing with it feels overwhelming, commit to spending short amounts of time on it until it is resolved.
Also, remember that spinning things positively by saying things like: “it’s not that bad/big of deal” or “you’ll be fine” or “just give it to God!” –you can actually exacerbate the conflict by minimizing the other person’s experience (specifically a Reactive type).
Lastly, recognize that the Competency type really wants to solve the problem. In fact, they may take charge in the problem-solving effort, but they still want your input. You can always remind them that you need to feel heard before you are ready to solve.
COMPETENCY (Types 1, 3, and 5)
The Competency Type: More than any type, the competency type wants to truly solve the problem. They get out their [mental] clipboards and checklists to “act like an adult and solve this” –in the most efficient and practical way.
How to resolve well with a Competency type:
Do not minimize the fact that a problem or conflict exists. Instead, acknowledge the problem as well as the Competency type’s desire to focus on it and solve it. The Competency person just needs to hear that you are willing to methodically work towards a resolution instead of sitting in the problem/conflict. They want to be helpful. Let them be.
Don’t expect a Competency type to react emotionally, because they are not usually comfortable expressing their feelings. Consider removing the “emotional charge” in the way you express your concerns while emphasizing facts and logic, which feel the safest for the Competency type to receive.
How to grow as a Competency type:
Remember that rules and logic alone can’t solve all the world’s problems. Consider the feelings of others and the human impact of your solutions. You can’t solve emotional problems in purely rational and logical manner. It’s important to deal with the emotional content of your problems.
When working with a Reactive type, try to express some empathy or emotional concern for their feelings and/or the magnitude of the problem. Reflecting back to the person what they are concerned with helps them to feel heard and gets you to resolving the problem more quickly.
When working with a Positive Outlook type, remind them that you need their input in order to solve the problem and you value their experience and desire for harmony, which will yield a positive outcome.
I hope by considering the different strategies of each type, you not only will resolve your conflicts more quickly, but with grace and compassion for the other persons involved.
2 Corinthians 13:11:
“Finally, brothers and sisters, rejoice! Strive for full restoration, encourage one another, be of one mind, live in peace. And the God of love and peace will be with you.”
Hardin Life RESOURCES
*To discover your type on the enneagram, we recommend this test. And this book.
What is the Enneagram and How can it help me? Click here.
Understand your Life Story using the Enneagram: Click here.
Know Your Enneagram Stance: Click here.
Enneagram type FEARS during Conflict: Click here.
*A special thanks to Enneagram scholar Rob Fitzel for your research and wisdom on this topic!
Audrey Hardin is a Staff Therapist and Speaker at The Center for Integrative Counseling and Psychology and Hardin Life Resources in Dallas, TX.
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