Pandemic Reveals: Are You Emotionally Healthy?

By Audrey Hardin, MS LPC

I recently asked myself this question after several reactive, “shame and blame” moments that seemed too consistent to ignore. (The Corona-chaos gets us all in different ways).

In the words of Dr. Henry Cloud: “Problems arise when we make someone else responsible for our needs and wants and blame them for our disappointments.”

It doesn’t matter how much I have learned as a therapist or as someone who has walked with Jesus for the majority of her life, when I feel afraid and powerless that I’m going to experience the pain of rejection and loneliness, I can fall apart and regress to emotionally unhealthy behavior!

We all have fears that can drive our feelings and actions if we allow them to.

Emotionally Unhealthy Responses:

Control-seeking, Denial, Anxious, Reactive, Victim, Avoidant, Manipulative, Perfectionistic, Resistant, Self-focused, Pushover, Pleaser, Rager, Passive, Disconnected, Numb…

Underneath each of these is either FEAR or feeling POWERLESS…

—that the thing I fear the most is going to happen, and I will not be able to handle it.

There are several signs of an emotionally healthy person like flexibility, acknowledging your needs, being in touch with your emotions, knowing when to ask for help, but…

Consider these 4 core elements of emotional health to evaluate where you are now and steps to mature:

1. You own your stuff.

An emotionally healthy person takes responsibility for ALL of his or her emotions and actions -especially the immature and hurtful ones. (Matthew 7:5)

This can be a hard one for me. Deep down, I feel afraid that if I own how I hurt a loved one or how I blew it, missed a deadline, or dropped a ball, that they will reject me forever and I will be judged by that mistake, lose love, and ultimately be alone and labeled defective.

As Christians, we can rest in knowing that because of Jesus’ death on a cross to pay the penalty for all of my mistakes and sin that I can NEVER lose His love (Romans 8:28-32).

When we don’t own our stuff, It hurts the ones we have harmed because they are left to absorb what was ours to own.

When we don’t own our stuff, we miss out on experiencing grace, forgiveness, and growth. Instead, we live in shame, guilt, denial, and self-centeredness.

When we face our fears and own our mistakes, we grow and get deeper connection with God and others.

2. You are committed to growth and personal development.

An emotionally healthy person is a GROWING person, even if it hurts or is inconvenient. They’re called “growing pains” for a reason!

Growth requires personal responsibility —a powerful stance vs. a powerless one.

You are not afraid to acknowledge what areas of your life need improvement -physically, emotionally, socially, and spiritually, and you take the necessary steps to learn and achieve those changes.

Do I make more excuses for my behavior and blame others for my feelings and actions than I seek to change them?…

Growth also requires community. We need our team of trusted others who are willing to point out growth-areas in our life and challenge us to deeper maturity. (James 5:16)

This is an area we can all struggle with…especially during a PANDEMIC! When you don’t immerse yourself in community and don’t share with others, they can’t challenge you, and you stay stuck in unhealthy patterns.

The beauty of a life committed to growth has rich reward! (Galatians 5).

“See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”

Psalm 139:24

3. You confront the past.

An emotionally healthy person seeks to identify his or her biggest fears and connects them to their deepest hurts and losses.

Our problems, especially in relationships, reside inside of us, not outside of us.

What makes your throat close up, your shoulders tighten, and your stomach churn?

Is it failure? Being misunderstood? Embarrassment and shame? Not having enough energy or resources to complete___task or engage in ___ relationship? Losing the love and acceptance of someone that you care about or feel you need? Fill in the blank.

Most likely these fears are rooted in experiences from our childhood that were incredibly painful.

When you identify the connection, you can break the power of the past, bad habits, and unhealthy relationships that keep you stuck in dysfunction.

4. You can handle when life doesn’t go your way.

An emotionally mature person is adaptable and can handle disappointment, inconveniences, suffering, unmet expectations, and surprises with grace and confidence.

You trust that you have everything you need to handle whatever life throws at you, and if you don’t, you find someone who does.

Your mindset is growth oriented vs. fixed, trusting that every loss or curveball is developing your character and resilience.

As Christians we have greater hope, knowing that we can rest in God’s sovereignty and goodness in the midst of confusion, suffering, and redirection (Romans 5).

An emotionally mature person lives a life anchored in love and power –not in fear and powerlessness.
2 Timothy 1:7

Resource:

“Changes that Heal” by Dr. Henry Cloud

Audrey Hardin is a Staff Therapist and Speaker at The Center for Integrative Counseling and Psychology in Dallas, TX.

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