What to do When You Feel Lonely
“Loneliness is pervasive in our never-ending pandemic. Combat it with a simple reframe.”
By Audrey Hardin, MS LPC
By Audrey Hardin, MS LPC
Feeling lonely?
COVID-19 has brought on new and sometimes depressing challenges to spending time with friends, family, and meeting new people. Many of us have resorted to facetime and zoom calls, which seems to provide a temporary relief to feeling lonely. But that’s just it…it’s temporary.
Author, Ben Bennett reminds us that the reason we are lonely though is not because we aren’t talking to people… it’s because we lack deep connection with others. Our level of connection with others, God, and even ourselves actually perpetuates the feeling of loneliness.
I sit with people all day who mention this ache…and they aren’t all extroverts!
Researcher Brene Brown says,
“A deep sense of love and belonging is an irreducible need of all women, men, and children. We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong.
When those needs are not met, we don’t function as we were meant to. We break. We fall apart. We numb. We ache. We hurt others. We get sick.”
Many of us in this season, including myself, have resorted to numbing and just getting through the day –surviving really. I’ve even called it self-care to binge watch a show or scroll, but it’s not getting me closer to experiencing love or belonging which is the antithesis of loneliness.
Before we begin to pursue attaining what we need, let’s first make sure we understand loneliness.
Loneliness is Pervasive
In a recent survey of over 100,000 Americans, 3 out of 5 reported feeling “extremely lonely.” Loneliness defined by those surveyed: empty, alone, and unwanted. And it seems these feelings can increase by the day during a pandemic.
Over 1 Billion Americans are connected through social media channels and 85% of them report feeling more disconnected, depressed, and lonely after scrolling than before.
Well, we can all feel encouraged that we are NOT the only ones feeling alone!
Clearly, so many of us are afraid of feeling lonely, therefore, we tend to miss out on what the loneliness can produce.
When we take the time to zoom out and consider this time as “momentary light affliction” or a “season,” then we can lean into it and all it has to offer instead of avoiding, numbing, and settling for social stimulation.
Loneliness has Purpose
Throughout my life, I have felt terrified of aloneness. When my dad would ask me my worst fear, my first response was “to be alone.”
I see now, though, if I didn’t fight loneliness so hard, I would see that it is actually a primary tool God uses to draw us in and show us that only HE can truly meet our needs; only He is enough.
Yes, we are created for connection and belonging, but first and foremost, that connection and belonging is to the God of the Universe.
Henri Nouwen writes,
"As Christians, we are called to convert our loneliness into solitude. We are called to experience our aloneness not as a wound but as a gift -as God's gift —so that in our aloneness we might discover how deeply we are loved by God."
When we get that…I mean, truly get that, it frees us up to discover who we are and who He is in our lives and the world. We become less and less tempted to live a life of fear and numbing and more anchored in the truth that we couldn’t be alone if we tried! We belong to Him forever.
How to Convert Your Loneliness into Solitude:
1. Embrace the truth that loneliness has purpose.
Look at the lives of Adam, Joseph, Moses, Elijah, John, Paul, and of course Jesus. They all spend significant time alone and God used it in profound ways not only in their lives but the lives of many others.
2. Commit to spending time with the One who makes you make sense.
God created you on purpose, for a purpose. He loves you and is committed to you. Allow Him room to speak to you and grow you.
Spend time outside and take in the beauty that He created all around you.
Listen to music that moves you. God is so faithful to use music to speak to us.
“The Green Letters: Principles of Spiritual Growth” By Miles J. Stanford (Get this book!)
3. Journal
Journaling is one of the most effective ways to grow. There is so much research behind how it stimulates both sides of the brain to promote integration of information and connects us to who we are, what we think and feel, and to what we are afraid of.
How to Journal: Click here.
Loneliness, is not the enemy of our souls. Forgetfulness is.
We forget who we are, whose we are, and that everything we walk through is a part of God’s purpose for our lives, including loneliness! I encourage you today to press into the pain and reap the rich reward!
…We are also created for community –so tune in next week to begin creating one (even during a pandemic) that is deep, real, and authentic!
Audrey Hardin is a Staff Therapist and Speaker at The Center for Integrative Counseling and Psychology in Dallas, TX.
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