The Outer Critic: The Enemy of Relationships
“When our outer critic is in the driver’s seat, we view everyone as flawed and unworthy of our trust.”
-Abigail Cole Hardin, CLC; PNLP
By Abigail Cole Hardin, CLC; PNLP
I thought after the election I would find more peace in culture, but there is still so much political unrest.
I have never experienced this level of cultural uncertainty and division. Matter of fact, this year’s theme could be uncertainty and division. Even with the global COVID-19 pandemic, we all have our different opinions on how to be safe, how to heal, how to salvage our quality of lives, and how to adapt.
With almost nine months in this pandemic and counting, we are left bedraggled and discouraged that our lives will not “go back to normal.” A lot have said that this is our new normal, so get used to it. I personally am struggling to accept this as normal.
The part that grieves me the most about this year is the division.
Even though our country’s motto is “United We Stand,” it seems like our “new normal” is straight up, “Divided.”
I truly believe this divided stance has a psychological component.
Neurologically, our brain’s number one concern is to keep us safe. It goes back to basic survival. While we have explained “The Four F’s” (Fight, Flight, Fawn or Freeze) survival response styles, another component that we must address is our “Inner and Outer Critics.”
Everyone has an inner and outer critic.
These are the voices within our minds that are usually very negative, discouraging, and so deeply intrinsic that we mistake them for our own voice of reason. We may prefer one over the other. Some are more apt to be hard on themselves with the inner critic. Some are more apt to be hard on others with the outer critic.
Yet both voices’ intent is to keep you safe.
The inner critic says that you need to be better and perfect yourself to be safe.
The outer critic says that you need to be more cautious of others and self-reliant to be safe.
Either way, these voices keep us stuck in our survival-mode, so we continually live in fear versus freedom and reason.
Given all the uncertainty and division in our culture, I am going to focus on the inner-workings of the outer critic.
The outer critic is the enemy of relationships.
When our outer critic is in the driver’s seat, we view everyone as flawed and unworthy of our trust. Whether consciously or subconsciously, we scan for others’ imperfections to prove our suspicions and validate why we should not trust them. If we must be in the relationship, we would try to micromanage another to feel safe. We are not forgiving or sympathetic to another, and we wouldn’t dare emotionally invest and show vulnerability.
Ultimately, the outer critic does not believe in trusting another.
Those with a strong outer critic tend to have a legitimate reason why they do not trust. Usually early in their lives, their environment proved to be unsafe. Who they thought they could trust, let them down. Thus, their brain determined that trusting is no longer safe.
This degree of the outer critic varies depending on our past experiences and lack of safety in our relationships and environment. Yet, I believe all of our outer critics have fuel during this time because our environment is currently deemed “unsafe.”
The pandemic threatens our health or another’s health.
Politics threaten our rights, way of living and trust in authority.
While there are legitimate threats to our safety in our environment, we don’t need to disqualify the whole world.
There are still good people out there. There are still people worthy of our trust. Imperfections and flaws can be worked with and forgiven. We are human! Yet the outer critic doesn’t allow for people to be human! Thus, we need to get back to our voice of reason, so we can welcome healthy relationships into our lives.
Two ways to shrink the outer critic are:
Become Mindful
Challenge your thoughts
We become mindful when we get curious over being critical. Here, we observe another’s actions without an emotional charge and judgement. We simply notice the behavior instead of using it as a way to validate a suspicion or disqualification. In this way, we get more information. We start to fully listen to people. We can be with them versus taking a defensive posture.
We can also use the same tactics of neutral observation with ourselves and be mindful of our own thoughts. When you start to raise an eyebrow at someone and your throat tightens waiting to release a sigh of disgust, pause. Simply notice and listen to the thought you have towards another. Get curious as to why your internal reaction is so strong.
If it’s a judgement, challenge the assumption and basis for the judgment. For example, if it’s an all-or-nothing statement like, “He always does this,” challenge it and ask, “Really? Always?” Or start to become curious and ponder, “I wonder why he does this.” This could lead to a conversation or further communication which rebuilds relationships.
Disclaimer: The outer critic is tricky because it is so fearful of becoming hurt for good reason. So, it will resist any form of change that invites vulnerability.
Our Hardwired to Heal Workshop offers a deeper understanding and integration of how to get back to your voice of reason.
As Christians, we know that the Lord calls us to be introspective about our behavior instead of criticizing and judging another’s actions.
“Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?” – Matthew 7:3 (ESV)
Do not let your outer critic stand in the way of you and your relationships.
If we do want to see peace in our culture, we must start creating a safe environment. Safe environments begin in our immediate circles when we listen to our voice of reason and not our voices of resistance like the inner and outer critics.
Abigail Cole Hardin is a Certified Life Coach and a Neuro-Linguistic Programming Practitioner for Hardin Life Resources
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