4 Steps to Find Real Connection and Never Feel Lonely Again

By Audrey Hardin, MS LPC

Researcher Brene Brown says,

“A deep sense of love and belonging is an irreducible need of ALL women, men, and children. We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong.

When those needs are not met, we don’t function as we were meant to. We break. We fall apart. We numb. We ache. We hurt others. We get sick.”

We are hardwired for belonging and real connection! Our lives depend on it.

Belonging -being a part of something greater than ourselves and TO someone greater than ourselves.

We miss out on belonging for 3 reasons:

1. We don’t know who we are.

If we don’t do the work to “Know thyself” as Socrates says and develop our own identity, we will never trust the acceptance or connection we do get from others.

2. We fail to acknowledge Whose we are.

Our Creator makes us make sense. He created us on purpose for a purpose and gives us an ultimate feeling of belongingness.

3. We confuse fitting-in with belonging.

To fit-in, we typically must deny parts of who we are to gain mass approval… or even the approval of just one person. However, it leaves us feeling pretty empty, used, and even resentful at the end of the day. Our attempts to fit in take us further and further away from what will satisfy us.

We can only truly belong when we present our authentic selves to the world and are embraced for who we are.

THAT is the goal -the hope- even our design —to live your life feeling connected and like you belong. But many of us don’t ever get to this point.

WHY?

Fear. We fear this connection isn’t available to us, we fear disappointment, loneliness, and we fear rejection.

Therefore, instead of living in deep connection with others -seeking and cultivating what God designed for us, more often than not, we sell out, allow our boundaries to be repeatedly crossed, stay numb, or dumb ourselves down.

For a long time, I would do all of the above to avoid experiencing loneliness (see last week’s blog). I worried what being alone meant about me... that I wasn’t enough or wanted by others.

However, the truth eventually surfaced that God was using my aloneness to cultivate my character, strengthen my identity apart from other people, and draw me into deeper intimacy with Him.

Once we resolve that loneliness is not the enemy and Christ truly meets us there, we are free to invest in outside relationships without the pressure to make them work.

As Henri Nouwen says:

“Loneliness makes us cling to others in desperation; solitude allows us to respect others in their uniqueness and create community...”

So, here’s a quick litmus test to determine if you experience real connection and belonging:

In your relationships…

You feel seen, heard, and valued.
You both can give and receive without judgment.
You feel safe to own all of who you are, including your broken parts and feel encouraged to grow.
You derive strength and fulfillment from the relationship.

If you don’t have a small team of people with whom you experience real connection with, that’s a great starting point! We can’t change our circumstances if we don’t first see the problem.

Next, consider these 4 steps to cultivating REAL Community:

1. Know what you are looking for.

Take time for true introspection. Consider what real connection looks like and be willing to write out your goals for the “team” you want to build.

2. Consider Your Weaknesses.

When we can take an honest/objective look at our weaknesses/areas of growth, we can consider who might be strong in an area we are weak in to help sharpen us to become our best. If we need spiritual sharpening, consider someone in ministry to disciple you. If emotional sharpening, consider a counselor or someone who has gone through counseling him/herself and done emotional work.

3. Set the Standard.

If you want others to go deep with you, to be real with you, you’ve got to go there first. Courageously set the tone of your group by sharing a vulnerable part of your story –a fear, struggle, unhealthy pattern, loss, or longing. Remember, you can start small with one person and the two of you can invite two others you believe are trustworthy to journey with.

4. Make the ask.

As you prayerfully consider who to include in your community, the Lord may bring to mind someone who is already in your life or a group to reach out to. When he does, make the ask to meet with them for coffee.

If he does not reveal someone immediately, put some feelers out there with trust that He will reveal the right people in His perfect time. Meanwhile, embrace solitude.

As God says in Genesis 2:18, it is not good for man to be alone. He designed us for connection with Him and others. He also designed us to grow and be sharpened (Proverbs 27:17) –and that never happens solely in isolation.

I encourage you to push through your discomfort and begin forging real connected relationships that accept you and empower you to become completely all God created you to be -physically, emotionally, relationally, and spiritually.

Colossians 1:28

“We proclaim Him, warning and instructing everyone in all wisdom [that is, with comprehensive insight into the word and purposes of God], so that we may present every person complete [Whole] in Christ.”

RESOURCES

How to convert your loneliness into solitude: Click here.

More on how to build your small team or “Life Team of 4”: Click here.

“The Gifts of Imperfection: Letting God of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be to Become Who You Are” By Brene Brown: Click here.

How to Build Your Self-Esteem: Click here

Audrey Hardin is a Staff Therapist and Speaker at The Center for Integrative Counseling and Psychology in Dallas, TX.

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