How to Improve All of Your Relationships With Just 3 Questions

“When we exercise curiosity, we open ourselves up to growth, connection, and the opportunity for catalytic and lasting change. ”

By Audrey Hardin, MS LPC

Are you curious enough…

to discover the answers to why and how the world (and the people in it) operates the way it does? Why is my child screaming? Why is this person resisting? Why do I only get this type of date? Why are people so [fill in the blank]?

In G.K. Chesterton’s famous book from 1910, “What’s Wrong With the World?” he poses this question for us to answer.

How would you answer?

Chesterton famously answers, the problem with the world is me. Isn’t it? …Why is that so hard to accept?

To go further, I think I’m afraid to see WHY the problem is me over someone else or something else. It’s so much easier to take things, people, or situations at face value, to judge a book by its cover (including self), than it is to really engage deeply to discover the “why”.

Maybe we are afraid of what we will discover and that it will reveal how ill-equipped we are to handle it, terrified that it will overwhelm us like a tidal wave we can’t swim out of.

But what if I were to remind you that as Christians, we have the security that “while we were yet sinners Christ died for us” -meaning that he saw the bad and the ugly we work so hard to conceal and chose us anyway.

Therefore, to really look at how we contribute to the problems in this world… our relationships… our own suffering, is to discover his unwavering love and commitment to us.

So, before you read any further, let’s imagine being anchored into the love of Christ. Nothing we discover about ourselves or others will change his love for us. Nothing.

Now, let me invite you to reflect on three ways to get more curious:

3 Questions to Improve Your Relationships:

1. Did my reaction to that person or situation “match” what happened?

If your reaction appears bigger or out of context, it’s an indication for you to explore the why.

i.e. Why am I so hell-bent on things being this way? Why do I feel my entire body tensing up? Why am I crying over something relatively small/fixable? Why am I shutting down? Why did my anger spin out of control? Why do I want to run away and hide?

As WIlliam Faulkner famously said, “The past isn’t dead. It’s not even past.” Neuroscientists and therapists would equally agree. Our brains take snapshots of every loss, hurt, or deep heartache we’ve ever had in order to protect us from more hurt in the future. Therefore, when we experience new interactions in our present, even with people not connected to our past, our brain skews everything through our early childhood experiences. So, reality for us will be subjective.

Bottom line: If you want to change your reactions, you need to consider the hurts, losses, suffering, and heartaches of your past. Feel them, grieve them, and forgive in order to truly free yourself up for new experiences.

2. What is this person’s response revealing about me?

Did this person’s voice change? Were they able to look me in the eye? Did he become combative? Did he shut down? Did she avoid me? Is she becoming less like herself? Is he telling me the whole truth? What phrase or statement does he/she keep repeating?

Others’ reactions to us can be indicators of our own blind spots. Are people drawn to you and do they feel safe to be fully themselves? Or do people seem to walk on eggshells around you, work to please you, never challenge or question you?… or have they given up trying to get you to “see” them a long time ago? Do they disrespect you or your rules?

Ask yourself: What am I doing to invite these responses from others? What am I missing about them/their story that is hindering a safe and consistent connection?

Bottom line: Empathy for others will only happen when we are aware of our own stories of pain. If we are afraid to look at our hurts, losses, and fears, we fail to create a safe pathway for others to connect with us freely. Get curious about your story. *see resources below.

3. How Can I Be a Better Friend/Spouse/Parent/Boss -According to Those I’m in Relationship WIth?

Ask for feedback. This takes a lot of courage, so don’t do it until you’re ready. When you are though, it will be transformative.

We cannot be objective about ourselves. It’s impossible. However, we are accountable for all of our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. This is why the Psalmist pleads with God to

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.” [Psalm 139:23-24].

Your friends, family, and counselor are excellent resources to give you honest feedback about what it’s like to know you, be in relationship with you, and potential blind spots hindering the change/life you seek.

Here are 5 questions to ask them:

1. What is it like to be in relationship with me?

2. What’s the greatest hurt or source of frustration in being in relationship with me?

3. What do you find yourself doing to protect yourself from more hurt?

4. What do you need from me that I fail to give you?

5. What do you want in our relationship?

Remember, curiosity is catalytic.

It invites you to see the truth and the truth sets us free to grow and become agents of change in our relationships, our spheres of influence, and the world.

The world cannot change when we stop getting curious. It stays stagnant in a sea of fear and self-justification.

Reclaim your curiosity and change your relationships today!

RESOURCES:

Check out our upcoming Hardwired to Heal Workshop.

Check out this podcast on how to get curious about your story.

Audrey Hardin is a Therapist, Speaker, and Workshop Leader at Hardin Life Resources in Dallas and McKinney, TX.

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