Addiction: The Birthplace of the Modern-Day Narcissist
How to know if you are dealing with a true narcissist or an addict in disguise.
By Karla S. Hardin, LPC-S
Have you noticed the alarming increase of so-called narcissists in our generation? A term that for years was rarely used and mostly in clinical settings is now a word being used by people of all ages, the media, and best-selling books.
As a counselor, my first thought is that most people don’t know the therapeutic meaning of that label, and I believe most people labeled narcissists don’t meet the clinical definition of one.
TRUE NARCISSISM DEFINED
Narcissism has always been associated with the early developmental stages of a child. According to Erik Erickson, the first stage of development, age 0-3 years, particularly the first 18 months, is when a child is considered “developmentally narcissistic.” Meaning that the child is totally self-focused.
It is healthy to be narcissistic at this stage as it is critical for survival of the baby. The baby demands his basic needs to be met or otherwise he would not survive. It is also at this stage that a baby is learning if people are trustworthy.
Crazy enough, this very short period of development in your life determined the very foundation of how you do your relationships right now.
But the self-focus and demandingness of this stage are supposed to fade out as basic needs for love and safety are consistently provided. Of course, none of us had our needs met perfectly but if they are met above 50% most of us continue to develop in a moderately healthy way.
But for those few who did not get these important needs met at the base level, they then fall into the diagnosable Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
My point is this: Most people walking around do not qualify as a bona-fide Narcissist.
BUT….
Every one of us is on a continuum between the poles of narcissism and altruism. Self-focused —> Others focused.
And I believe we do now see more people in society today than ever before living closer to the extreme end of the pole of self-focused. As a society that has moved away from God, we are seeing the results of this in every area.
When we step out of God’s love and protection by living our lives the way we want, we become subject to the pain, emptiness, loss, and aloneness of this world. We begin coping instead of truly living.
So how do we cope when we aren’t making God central in our lives?
We try to grab for any and everything selfishly to meet our needs/wants and escape feeling the pain of our self-destructive choices by numbing and dissociating.
(And Christians.. this includes YOU!)
The results? We are the most addicted society in history after adding the newest age group of addicts –ages 9 years old and up.
ADDICTION IN DISGUISE
Statistics are hitting record heights in all age groups in all categories of addiction. Alcohol, gaming, pain killers, porn and drugs to name a few are equaling to 65% of Americans struggling with one or more.
With addiction rampant, we must look at identifiers of addiction among those we love and work with.
Alcoholics Anonymous puts out clear descriptors of addiction – and guess what? All the descriptions match that of a narcissist!…
“Self-focused, entitled, and even exploitive of those they supposedly love.”
With the number of Americans living in addiction it is no wonder why we are labeling so many people as narcissists.
So, before you label your spouse, child, boss, or best friend a narcissist – look first to see if they fit the addiction criteria. Let me also broaden your understanding of things we can be addicted to.
(Remember that you can be high functioning in many areas even with an addiction. You don’t have to be “falling down” and failing across the board to classify as having an addiction.)
Four Common Areas of Addiction:
Substance
Substances alter chemical makeup and can be harmful. Alcohol the substance abuse leader in America. Dr. Daniel Amen says that even 1 glass of wine is detrimental to brain health and the maximum should be 2 glasses per week.
Marijuana can do irreparable damage to the actual physical shape of your brain. Cocaine and psychedelic drugs can permanently destroy cells. The use of prescription drugs has skyrocketed despite their harmful side effects.
The most overlooked substance is SUGAR. It is more addictive than cocaine and damages the body by contributing to inflammation which fuels ALL diseases. Caffeine addiction is rampant as 85% of Americans start their day with it.
Activity
Some of the obvious are gambling, gaming, porn, shopping, stealing, and other sex-related addictions. Then you have skin picking, hair pulling, exercising, and purging.
Some not so obvious is scrolling, work, adventure seeking, cosmetic and medical overfocus and surgeries, reading, and even compulsive serving can fall into this category.
Relational
Relationship addiction is seen as over attachment to relationships such as love addicts who must always be in a “tight” hold of a partner and never without one.
Also, the co-dependent is fighting their relationship addiction to the addict. Parent-child enmeshment can be restrictive of healthy formation of the child as an individual. Also, the need for power/control in relationships can be classified in this category.
Emotional
Many people are unaware that you can be addicted to an emotion. It follows the same cycle of activation that alcohol and drugs do.
Most classic emotional addictions are to rage/anger, sadness, anxiety/worry, self-loathing and rejection. But any emotion felt can become a source of addiction if not processed in a healthy way. Read more here.
Important Takeaways:
Before you label a person as a narcissist, see if they demonstrate signs of addiction.
I DEFINE ADDICTION as anything that I repeatedly or cyclically do or use to either get short-term relief or pleasure or escape from and compulsively continue to do despite the adverse consequences.
Remember that there is a continuum for addiction as well.
We are all on this continuum and can move toward addiction easily. An easy way to self-evaluate is to classify yourself in the above four areas of addiction as either: Detached - User - Abuser - Addict.
HEALTHY PEOPLE know there is a very short road to addiction and are regularly self-evaluating as they recognize how easy it can change from a user to abuser to addict.
One key thing you need to know…
Whether dealing with a narcissist or an addictive person your response should be the same.
The framework for dealing with either is:
1. Truth-telling: the greatest challenge
2. Setting boundaries: governed by truth not grace
3. Consistency: which brings clarification on future action
Check out my blog, The 3 Necessary Steps to Stay Strong When Dealing with a Narcissist or Addict to give you clear steps on implementing these guidelines.
One final thought..
With the prevalence of both addiction and narcissism, the chances are that you already have someone in your own family who has caused pain to you or others as a result.
Christians are not immune from facing these very challenges as a saving faith does not immunize you from narcissism or addiction. The challenge for all of us is to keep God CENTRAL in our lives DAILY.
Therefore, I encourage you to do a self-check honestly -where you examine your own life and then commit to facing the individuals struggling with addiction in your story with courage, strength, and truth.
Karla Hardin is a Licensed Professional Counselor Supervisor, Workshop Developer, Facilitator, and Trauma Specialist for Hardin Life Resources
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