3 Necessary Steps to Stay Strong When Dealing With a Narcissist or an Addict

Don’t get worn down by the addict/ narcissist and resort to walking on eggshells to survive

By Karla S. Hardin, MS LPC-S

This blog is my follow up to last week’s blog where I clarified how to look for signs of addiction which can easily be mistaken for true narcissism.

The good news is that regardless of whether you are dealing with an addict or a narcissist, you can stay strong and not get confused or weary if you follow the guidelines below.

Before we breakdown the specific steps to take, we first need to understand the “stance” of the narcissist or addict as this is usually where we are unprepared and as a result, can end up in a defensive or rescuing response.

Their stance is this:  Their truth is the Truth.

Healthy people know that when working with others in business, partnership, families, etc. that we all have a personal bias on the “truth” in each situation. We know why we feel strongly about our perspective and can back it up based on facts or experiences.  We also know the other person has their personal bias too.

So, when healthy people are confronting or resolving an issue, they are trying to come to an agreement on how to proceed in a way that respectfully incorporates both perspectives.

This is NOT the case when you are trying to resolve an issue with a narcissist/addict.

Both the narcissist and the addict believe there is only one correct way to see the situation – and that is to see it their way.

This belief changes all the rules. 

Your “truth” is no longer an “equal contender” with theirs.  As a result, when you state your perspective –no matter how well substantiated by facts, experience, or logic it is, not only is it not respected –it’s dismissed!

This is maddening, and a crazy maker to a healthy person since we operate in society based on the foundation that every person is equal, and their viewpoint is worthy of being heard.

Narcissists and addicts refuse to validate any reality that does not match their narrative.

THEIR NARRATIVE ALWAYS...:

  • justifies their behavior – even if it’s rage and retaliation.

  • includes someone who has wronged them or situations that have rendered them helpless. Therefore, they always have someone or something to blame for the pain in their lives. They are never responsible.

  • sees anything or anyone that has hurt them in the past is still an active threat to their happiness and well-being in the present.

  • includes an inflated and idealistic view of self which can include a hero/martyr complex.

  • frames them as the victim even if they are the bully through their actions and words.

  • finds a way of discrediting anyone who would challenge their narrative. Leaving them as the final authority of truth.

THE HARDEST CHALLENGE

Without the ability to reason with them based on truth, mutual respect, or even the intrinsic value of the relationship, you must let go of the expectation that the narcissist/ addict will see you accurately or respect who you are.

No amount of logic, facts, humility, or love will persuade the narcissist or addict to change their narrative.

Their narrative is designed to protect their addiction, power, and control by keeping them in a “one-up” position over anyone who would challenge them.

We get weary because we keep hoping that this time, conversation, or act of kindness will be the one where they see our love for them and respond by mutually respecting who we are.

Christians keep hoping Romans 2:4 “But the kindness of God leads to repentance.” approach will woo them to change their behavior.

The better model to use when confronting hurtful behavior is Ephesians 4:15

“Speaking the truth in love we are to grow up in all aspects into Him, the head, that is, Christ.”

3 GUIDELINES TO SPEAK THE TRUTH IN LOVE                                                         

1. Truth-telling: the greatest challenge

This is the greatest challenge because the narcissist/addict rejects any truth that is not their truth. Their response typically goes in one of two directions:

Angry attack: first by twisting what you said, then pointing out any wrong you have ever done, judging your character, seeing you as an enemy, devaluing the relationship and threatening to dispose of the relationship despite the good parts

Victim posture: blames you for the pain, self-deprecating, uses guilt, invites rescue, implies powerlessness, takes no responsibility for their response, action, or lack of action

These responses can overwhelm us, scare us, confuse us and we end up withholding the truth of our experience, taking back what we have said, or fully agreeing with them to get them to stop these reactions which only furthers their self-justified position.

But for any relationship to grow and be healthy we must follow the scriptural directive to “speak the truth...” despite the response.

So, bringing truth into these conversations would sound like:

  • “I don’t see it that way”

  • “I disagree”

  • “I don’t take responsibility for that”

  • “That’s your opinion”

  • “See, it’s happening right now.”

By not buckling to the pressure to deny your truth to appease them, you are not endorsing a false view of reality, and you are not allowing your value and dignity to be trampled.

 2. Setting boundaries: governed by truth not grace

Boundaries are designed to be corrective and restrictive. Without a consequence they will be neither.

Also, if a consequence doesn’t cause some experience of loss, it is an ineffective consequence.

Many Christians try to soften the consequence of a boundary, thinking they need to show grace here. Grace comes later and only when needed –NOT at the onset of setting boundaries.

Good boundaries match the offense directly and are SMART. (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, and Timely.

Example: 

OFFENSE: Yelling and criticizing me when you are upset

SMART BOUNDARY: If you start yelling/criticizing me when you are upset, I am going to raise my index finger as a reminder to not yell so we can continue the conversation. If you keep yelling, I am going to end the conversation and tell you I am very open to hear your concern when we can do so calmly and respectfully. Then, I will leave the room. *You then follow through on what you said you would do –and you do not get hooked in to stay for anything else if the boundary is not honored.

3. Consistency: which brings clarification on future action

Most people get worn down by the addict/narcissist and begin to waffle on setting boundaries and enforcing consequences and resort to avoidance and walking on eggshells. This sets you up to be in an abusive and de-dignifying relationship. We become people who silently suffer, fake it, bolt out of the relationship, or numb to survive. NONE of this behavior is God-honoring.

As an image-bearer of Christ, we must not allow or tolerate behavior that is dishonoring of God’s image in us. Jesus took clear, firm, action when the dignity of God was being exploited in the temple walls. (Mark 11:16)

In 1 Corinthians 6:19-20, we are told that we are the temple of the living God –thus we must guard and be relentless about not letting our image-bearing dignity be exploited either.

If you determine not to shrink back from the overbearing control of the addict/narcissist and tell the truth, set respective boundaries that you commit to consistently enforce, you will gain wisdom and clarity for your next steps of action.

Exploitive relationships must end. God has never endorsed the dishonoring of His image in us. 

Consistency allows you to see how the other person views you as an image bearer of God. If your consistency reveals a constant refusal to respect your dignity, then you will clearly see if you need to take more decisive action.

Book Recommendations:

Finally, LEAD WITH LOVE.

Always express that your motive through your words and actions is for RESTORATION. Yet, be clear that you will not allow exploitation of God’s image in you at any level!

God pursued us, set boundaries, issued consequences, and forgave us to restore relationship with us out of His Great Love.

That must be our motive in our relational approach, even with the most difficult people.

Karla Hardin is a Licensed Professional Counselor Supervisor, Workshop Developer, Facilitator, and Trauma Specialist for Hardin Life Resources

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