Why Men Struggle to Express Emotions

“Don’t cry, suck it up, be strong, keep moving, man up!” Sound familiar? Consider the why on your path to growth!

By Philip K. Hardin, M.A, M.Div. LMFT, LPC, Clinical Member of AAMFT

Let’s take a walk down memory lane and consider what emotional expression looked like in your home… After all, every family has a “family code” as to how emotions and feelings are handled.

Family codes are habitual behavior or roles that each family takes on to survive, to fit in, keep the peace, please another, or conform to the family script.

Predictability and familiarity are ways we adapt to the environments of our families in order to receive what we need to “survive”. In a certain sense, we are all trained “circus animals.” We may not be trained to bounce a ball on our nose or jump thru a hoop, but we do learn what behaviors to embrace to be loved and rewarded.

I recently traveled to East Tennessee to assist my sister in caring for our 94-year-old father as he recovered from a heart attack. I sat with him each day, remembering, and reflecting on my childhood and how much my relationship with my Dad has shaped me, wounded me, and challenged me to grow. I have especially been mindful of the emotional code I learned about being a man.

The emotional code for men in my family was “not to feel, not to cry, and not to find words to express my feelings”.

As a Men’s Coach and Therapist, as well as doing my own work, I have learned that men are not naturally skilled at expressing their feelings. However, I have observed men feeling deeply when given a safe environment in which to tell their story, especially their story related to their relationship with their father.

Men often express their feelings in unconscious codes or rituals, rather than being fully aware of what they are feeling, then finding words to express those feelings accurately, and knowing how to do both in relationships.

Here are a few of my observations as I have considered my own life and sat with hundreds of men through counseling and coaching sessions.

1.  Men can often exchange one feeling for another.

For example, men may avoid sadness and vulnerability because those feelings are most often associated as feminine feelings and replace with anger or pride—feelings more acceptable in “man language.”

When men fail to embrace sadness and vulnerability, the result is a loss of intimacy and disconnection. It’s like “emotional stuttering.”

When I was young, I stuttered. When I couldn’t say a specific word, I would side-step the one I was unable to say and find another word to grab that I could get out of my mouth. Men often believe that anger is the primary emotion that is acceptable to their masculinity.

2. Men may transfer their feelings into an acceptable place outside the family.

Men may express emotions only in places where they feel safe, and where the expression of feelings is considered acceptable. For me, that place was sports. In sports, I found a place to express sadness when I lost, vulnerability to cry, and great affection for my teammates.

When I stopped playing sports competitively in high school and college, I struggled with depression.

I had no place to FEEL! I did not know how to express the range of emotion that life brought on. After all, I had never seen emotions expressed in everyday life growing up.

3. Men can often be in a “double-bind” when confronted by the need to express their feelings.

Although men may not always be aware of what they are feeling, there’s one thing for sure: They are convinced they are in a major double bind. Most family codes do not encourage men to express their feelings. Boys are taught to suck it up…“big boys don’t cry.”

As men get older and begin relating to women, they experience women as wanting them to share their feelings. This can often result in confusion, feelings in incompetence, and increased anger.

As I have led many men’s gatherings through the years, I have consistently seen men avoid any environment that might require them to share their feelings.

So, men find themselves with anxiety and anger issues and yet, because of family codes, they do not feel safe to share their feelings.

4. Men fear that if they express their feelings, they will lose control.

Most men fear that if they let their feelings be known, it will be too much. Sharing their silenced feelings for so long will reveal how unskilled they are in not having developed resources for handling them. Such unplanned, unexpected emotion can often prove overwhelming. It becomes an issue of self-regulation.

The false belief is: “If the cat ever jumps out of the bag, I’ll never get it back in the bag.” -Believe me, I’ve been there and can still be there.

The solution? We need to take the risk to share our emotions with trustworthy people so that the fear in our head begins to shrink. When we receive acceptance for what’s inside as well as a deeper connection with others, we carve new truths —new neural pathways. Consider a counselor or coach if a “safe” person doesn’t immediately come to mind.

FINAL THOUGHTS

My own observation has been that many men experience intense emotions but, lack the training and support to make sense of those feelings. They are left with what I call “emotional constipation.” They are unaware of how to identify their emotions and they don’t have the language as to how to express what they are feeling.

Men are trapped in a culture that tells them it’s unmanly to cry, hurt, or to express the many emotions they all experience because of living fully as God’s image bearers.

But when we look at the men of the Bible like Jesus and David, we see the freedom to express emotions immediately and honestly. God has given the Psalms of David to help all, especially men, to feel and express a full range of emotion.

And it is emotion that forms the glue or the “Velcro of connection” as emotions are the “sticky stuff” of relationships.

We need to express our feelings to connect deeply with anyone …remember, God himself said it’s not good for man to be alone. We were created to be with.

God spoke of David as “a man after God’s own heart” (1 Sam 13:14), and God never went back on his word.

David was a man of emotions. He knew what it was like to feel with intensity. He knew what it was like to be afraid for his life, to feel shame and disgust with himself for an atrocious sin, and to be filled with joy and gratitude.

Be like David. Act like a man!

Ride ON!

Phil

Phil Hardin works as a Licensed Professional Counselor and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with Hardin Life Resources practicing in both Jackson, MS and Fairhope, AL. Phil’s heart is for men to personally experience God’s redemptive plan through sharing their story with a community committed to whole, authentic living. Check out Men’s Coaching Weekends to learn more.

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