4 Ways to Deepen Connection Within Your Family and Improve Your Kids' Self-Esteem
We tend to confuse presence with connection…Learn ways real connection sets the whole family up for success!
By Rochelle Murrell, MA LPC
Connection is a foundational human need that builds the framework for how we believe, behave, and interpret life.
Think, for a moment, how different life would be if human connections were unimportant? How would the work model change? How would the current, patterns of society shift? How would we define the family? Would social media platforms even be a thing? The truth is, our need for human connection is deeply embedded in who we are.
So what does human connection look like?
It’s waking the kiddos first thing in the morning or asking about their day after school. It could be opening the door for someone or leading a brainstorming session at the office. It is also having coffee with a friend, sending an email, or answering a call. I could list several pages of ways we interact with each other. However, I believe the most meaningful connections should happen in the family.
Healthy family connections provide a safe place for adults and children to explore; to figure out who they are and how to navigate life. They give way for building motivation, life skills, and life satisfaction.
Children learn empathy, self-worth, and resilience through their closest relationships.
As parents, we can impact how a child sees the world and sees him or herself based on their interactions with us. Don’t miss this!
Healthy connections with our kids make room for mistakes and learning how to navigate real life challenges. It’s also important to note, healthy connections have proven to decrease symptoms of anxiety, depression, loneliness, unhealthy self-talk, and negative core beliefs.
With all of these benefits, what makes connection so hard?
Life.
Life gets busy and we become entangled in doing the basic, bare necessities. You know, the everyday tasks of getting kids to school, laundry, dinner, and homework. Healthy connection requires intentionality and some level of vulnerability. It requires our full person to show up; mentally, physically, emotionally, socially, and spiritually.
So how do we do it? How can we make connection a priority within the family?
It starts with awareness. Take a moment and rate your connection with each member within your family unit. Using a scale of 0-10 (0 being non-existent to 10 being the best it could be), how would you rate your connection with each person?
Now that you have a starting point, it’s time to explore ways to improve that connection. This can vary based on age, learned patterns from your childhood, desired outcomes, accessibility to the individual, and the other’s desire to build the relationship.
Let’s start with 4 simple, proven techniques that can include the whole family.
1. Ditch devices.
I know. I know. I know. I’m coming out of the gate strong. I am not saying to ditch them completely. Start with exploring options to limit devices and use that time to build connection. Electronics steal our attention and decrease eye contact with each other. Positive eye contact says what we all need to know, “I see you. I hear you. You are important.” Here are some easy, effective ways to curb device usage:
Set times for devices to be put away such as when eating together at dinner or doing an activity together. Or, consider setting “free time” for devices to be used versus taken away.
Educate and set priorities. This helps all members to know “You are valuable!”
Monitor overall screen time through apps such as Bark.
2. Teach emotional vocabulary.
Often connection can be limited by our ability to communicate how we feel. Having the words to share about an experience or concern will increase our ability to connect with each other.
An easy way to start building vocabulary is to print age-appropriate emotion charts. Post them in a common place in your home such as the kitchen or living area. You can use them in daily conversations, finding fun ways to incorporate new words each week. I remember teaching a 9 yr-old boy the word “livid.” He had plenty of fun finding ways to use that word during his week.
3. Play.
Research has proven that playfulness disarms fear-based responses such as defensiveness, anger, timidity, and isolating and oppositional behaviors. Play does not have to be big or clown-like. It doesn’t have to be structured such as a game. Play can be in the tone of my voice and in my reactions to life situations. Here are a few options to get you started:
Joining your kiddos or spouse in an activity they enjoy.
Using playful tones to gives instructions. “Hey Buddy….after you finish cleaning your room, want to try a game of Madden?” (combines instruction and play)
Choose an activity to do together. If you are in need of something fresh, some suggestions can be found by searching “Connection activities for kids” (or teens).
4. Engage in meaningful conversations.
I don’t know about you, but I find myself leading with the same questions each day. “How was your day?” “Did you have a good day?” Meaningful conversations reveal what matters to the other person. Here are a couple of suggestions:
Play detective. If my kiddo says aggressively, “I didn’t mean to break it!” I could respond with, “What concerns you most about it?” Unexpected, genuine responses allow the child to explore their emotions while learning to trust the caregiver with their answer.
Ask questions that provoke thought such as “How were you able to show kindness today?” “What is one thing you learned today as a result of a mistake?” “What is something you are looking forward to after school?” These questions lead to exploration, character building, and increased connection when we attune to their answers.
“Speak to your children as if they are the wisest, kindest, most beautiful and magical humans on earth. For what they believe is what they will become.” -Brooke Hampton
Our ability to coach and influence our kiddos flows out of our connection with them.
Start with one thing. What is one adjustment you can make today to spring you into new opportunities to build connection? It’s the best investment you will ever make!
Rochelle Murrell is a Licensed Professional Counselor with LifeWise Counseling Group in Daphne, Alabama who specializes in parenting, anxiety, and trauma.
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