What’s your attachment style and how does it shape your family code?
Your first months on earth set the stage for the role you play in your family. Consider if it’s the role you want to keep playing…
By Guest Contributor Katie Kuepfer, NARM CC
Have you ever asked yourself, “why in the world did I react that way”?
For decades I worked hard to understand why I felt so needy in relationships and would do almost anything to not be rejected. I was attempting to understand and correct my reactions and behaviors to people or circumstances through my “grown-up” lens. I was focusing on the symptoms and missing the deeper root cause.
It’s been life changing for me to understand my Attachment Style and how it played into my Family Code.
When we make our grand entrance into this world, our Attachment Style sets the stage for how we engage with people and react to the world around us throughout life.
Newborns are totally dependent on someone meeting all their physical and emotional needs. As babies we take our cues from our parent/caregiver. We sense when voices are calm or stressed. We tune into whether Mom is tenderly looking into our eyes or is unavailable. We see whether Dad can figure out what we need when we cry. Or not.
The truth is no parent is capable of meeting every single core need in their child.
Whether intentional or unintentional, those unmet needs translated into our little minds that we did not feel safe or loved. To “survive” we had to figure out how to meet our own needs to feel secure by creating self-protective Attachment Styles.
These strategies worked for us as kids but fail us as adults. There are times we get stuck, acting out and feeling like a child in an adult body. Our Attachment Style often plays out in frustrating, confusing or distressing ways.Ideally a mature caregiver sets the trajectory for a child to safely learn and live life.
But when vital core needs are not met, we become fearful or self-protective, causing a life altering ripple effect, touching every relationship we have.
Starting with childhood friendships, choosing our life partner, parenting our children and even impacting our professional world.
Let’s look at the Attachment Styles and identify which one you most resonate with and consider why.
SECURE ATTACHMENT
The Secure Baby knows they are unconditionally loved and all their needs are met. This gives the Secure Child the confidence to discover life and have a secure bond with their caregiver. The Secure Adult easily makes and maintains healthy relationships, has an independent identity and feels confident navigating life.
ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT
The Anxious Baby detects they can’t trust their parent, therefore feeling unloved and insecure. As a result, the Anxious Child is hyper-sensitive to being abandoned or rejected and will go to great lengths to gain love. The world does not feel safe, so they apprehensively approach life. As Anxious Adults they struggle to feel loved and have a deep need for connection which they believe is not offered. They are emotionally dependent.
AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT
The Avoidant Baby has had to painfully accept they cannot rely on the parent, leaving them feeling unsafe and alone.
The Avoidant Child and Adult find it difficult to tune into their own needs let alone others. Equally challenging, they struggle to understand or express their emotions. To protect themselves they refuse to be vulnerable or have close relationships with others, leaving them alienated and alone.
DISORGANIZED ATTACHMENT
This is a blend of the Anxious and Avoidant Attachment styles, feeling unsafe and unloved. The Disorganized child acts out inappropriately and they have a difficult time bonding in relationships. The Disorganized Adult struggles with controlling their emotions and are confused by buried shame or anger. Feeling unloved and unsafe, they outwardly reject relationships, but inwardly long for them.
Are the pieces of your story falling into place as you identify the root of your Attachment Style?
Many stories God has shared with us in the Bible, shows where generational trauma and Attachment Styles played out. One unbelievable story is of Joseph and his brothers. Joseph was secure in his relationship with his father, so he was honest with his brothers to a fault. The brothers, on the other hand each had unhealthy attachment styles.
Feeling unloved they failed to manage their emotions of insecurity and jealousy, setting in motion a decades long traumatic story in Joseph’s life. (Genesis 37-45). But … Josephs story did not end in tragedy. God took all the heartache and worked it into an amazing grand finale. God is about redeeming our broken stories. And our story is still being written.
Discovering I was an Anxious Style helped make sense of my feelings and behaviors over my life. It’s not easy reflecting on your legitimate needs going unmet as a child, resulting in Co-dependency, Self-Doubt, or Chronic-Avoidance.
But it can be life changing.
Healing can occur in several profound ways.
1. Truly establish the fact that God loves you unfailingly and unconditionally. Like no human ever has or ever will. Begin to correct false thoughts about yourself in regards to being worthy of love by finding specific verses that remind you of your value.
2. Learn to see and value yourself as you would a cherished child. Perhaps by scheduling time with a counselor or coach, where you can safely process, move through and get beyond the wounds that should no longer define you.
3. Start noticing the role you play in your family that has been based on your Attachment Style and seek to take one step “differently” in the way you do these primary relationships.
I encourage you to begin identifying your style and role in your family and asking yourself the question, does this role really reflect the “me” I want to be? If not, consider getting the support you need to change it through a trusted counselor or workshop.
Katie Kuepfer is a N.A.R.M. Certified Coach in Complex PTSD, Childhood Trauma and the Enneagram as well as a BPO workshop leader in the Western region of the country. @Katiekliveloved