Can the Enneagram Really Help Change My Life and Relationships?

By Karla Hardin, MS LPC

Actually,

no test can change your life or relationships, but you can make changes in both as a result of what it offers –self-awareness!

We can’t expect change in any area unless we first know where we are. A more accurate view of ourselves allows us to see what we like and don’t like and what is working and not working.

There are great tests out there that give us insight into all areas of who we are, but the enneagram is especially helpful because it measures our core motivations “below the waterline” that we are often unaware of.

Simply stated, the enneagram reveals three important things about you:

your unmet longings from childhood,
your style in trying to get these needs met
your self-protection strategy for not being hurt again.

For those of you who don’t remember much from your childhood and have often wondered if you were affected that much from your early life, the enneagram can be very helpful to give you an idea of your core wounds, core emotion and your resulting coping skills that you developed from that time.

Each of the nine types reveal a different response to our earliest deep hurts.

So, the enneagram can be a “navigation” tool to help you understand how you responded to the losses and unmet longings as a child.

Are you curious? Well if you haven’t taken the test yet, I recommend taking the WEPSS at www.wepss.com. It does cost you $10 but I have had multiple people take the “freebies” online and I don’t find them very accurate. This is a well-researched instrument I can endorse.

Enneagram Crash-Course

The nine types are divided into three subgroups that share a core emotion they felt as a child when a loss or deep hurt occurred.

Then, within each subgroup, you see one of three ways we can respond to that initial wound. It is as follows:

The Guts: Doing Dominant. [Enneagram types 1, 8, 9]

Driving Emotion: Anger

1 = internalize the emotion by inwardly criticizing themselves and others for not doing things perfectly

8 = externalize the emotion by trying to control their environment or others as they don’t trust them to do it right

9 = repress the emotion by trying to not feel it and keep others from feeling it by keeping the peace

The Hearts: Feeling Dominant. [Enneagram types 2, 3, 4]

Driving Emotion: Shame

2 = internalize and embrace the emotion by believing they are somehow not enough or defective

3 = externalize the emotion by trying to prove to others they are worthy of value and love by their performance

4 = repress the emotion by believing they are different and misunderstood and will always be inwardly tormented

The Heads: Thinking Dominant. [Enneagram types 5, 6, 7]

Driving Emotion: Fear/Anxiety

5 = internalize and tend to turn this emotion inwardly and try to manage it through thinking strategies to solve the problem that causes the fear

6 = externalize and tend to focus of managing their external world to avoid feeling this emotion

7 = repress the emotion and do what they can to not feel it or simply pretend the emotion doesn’t exist.

On the Home Front…

Now let me bring this home by telling you my story. I am an enneagram Type 5.

As a three-year-old, I lost my father to cancer and my mother had to go back to work full-time running my dad’s business which she had no experience in. The loss of my dad along with seeing my mom struggling and exhausted was a setup for me to go inward with my fear of more loss. I also didn’t want to be a burden to my already overwhelmed mother. Even at a young age my family reported that I didn’t show my feelings but that I was very “thoughtful” before I did anything. They even described me as wise at a very young age.

Even to this day I keep my feelings private and try to manage my fears in life by “logic and reasoning” as I don’t want to be a burden to anyone. So, my growth has occurred from seeing how I got here and then stretching myself to disclose to those close to me my fears and invite them in to offer encouragement.

The enneagram gave me insight as to why I am the way I am and helps me grow personally by being more comfortable to share my fears and actually let people get to know me better instead of being so private.

Enneagram Fast Facts & Hacks

So, let me entice you to learn more about yourself and those you love by sharing some fast hacks to understanding all 9 types!

VALUES each Style is attracted to:

Type 1: Goodness
Type 2: Love
Type 3: Productivity
Type 4: Originality
Type 5: Wisdom
Type 6: Loyalty
Type 7: Joy
Type 8: Power
Type 9: Peace

What each Style AVOIDS:

Type 1: Anger

Type 2: Need
Type 3: Failure
Type 4: Simple emotions
Type 5: Purposelessness
Type 6: Entrapment
Type 7: Pain
Type 8: Weakness
Type 9: Conflict

The WOUNDS of each Style:

Type 1: Criticism

Type 2: Rejection
Type 3: Unrecognized
Type 4: Abandonment
Type 5: Intrusion/Deprivation
Type 6: Unprepared for threat
Type 7: Limitations
Type 8: Neglect/Unfair Treatment
Type 9: Conflict/Neglect

The VICE of each Style:

Type 1: Resentment

Type 2: Pride
Type 3: Deceit
Type 4: Envy
Type 5: Avarice/Knowledge
Type 6: Controlled by Fear
Type 7: Gluttony
Type 8: Lust for Power
Type 9: Laziness

Through a Spiritual Lens

Understanding who we are helps us see where we have needs and even confess how we have set out to meet our own needs through hurtful ways.

As a Christian, I am struck by the Fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5 and how amazingly they line up with the nine enneagram styles.

See if your style’s need is met in the person of the Holy Spirit’s fruit!

Goodness
Love
Kindness
Gentleness
Patience
Faithfulness
Joy
Self-Control
Peace

HAPPY Enneagramming!

For more on the Enneagram, check out our blog on Enneagram Stances and Enneagram Conflict Styles.

Karla Hardin is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Trauma Specialist for Hardin Life Resources

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