How Do You Know If You Have Experienced Trauma? Or Just A Stressful Life?
“Extreme experiences seem to define ‘trauma’ in our minds, but if we think of it as a disruption…we’ve had lots of those.”
By Karla Hardin, MS LPC
By Karla Hardin, MS LPC
Most of us hear “trauma” and automatically think – PTSD. We think “war survivors, incest, murder, rape, homeless, natural disasters, physical abuse” and the extreme list goes on.
Before the pandemic, about 28% of Americans reported mental health issues. Since the pandemic, that number has doubled. Experts predict mental health and PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) as the second wave of the pandemic.
If we did not have any of the above “extreme” experiences, then we automatically think we didn’t have that hard of a life.
But if we take an honest look at our lives, we do see things that are unexplained and unwanted in our thinking, feelings and behaviors. Anxiety, obsessing, anger outbursts, micromanaging, over-eating and drinking, addiction, and jealousy are among many of these “unwanteds”. Even fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue are physical indicators of internal stressors.
Here is Therapy Rule #1: ALL behavior has a reason. These things didn’t just happen upon you.
Every “negative” in your internal world got there as a result of an initial hurt or loss.
Of course, we can all see that we have had hurts, losses, and pain throughout our lives, but our tendency is to minimize them as we compare them with others.
Thoughts like, well even though I never heard “I love you” from my dad, he at least came to a couple of my games… compared to Johnny whose dad walked out on him when he was younger.
Also, we tend to think if we can still hold a job, drive carpool and have friends then whatever happened to us didn’t impact us that negatively.
WRONG.
So, how can you tell the difference between stress and trauma?
First, consider what is trauma and where you fall?
Every person is on the same continuum from low traumatic stress to PTSD (high traumatic stress) In other words, we all have trauma – the only difference is how debilitating is.
I________I_______I_______I________I_______I________I________I_______I
Low High
Traumatic Traumatic
Stress Stress
Definition of TRAUMA and how it plays out in “normal families”:
Any REAL or PERCEIVED threat
Ex. REAL: Robber in your house
PERCEIVED: Alcoholic dad mood swings
Anything that was UNEXPECTED or UNPREPARED FOR, NOT EQUIPPED TO HANDLE
Ex. UNEXPECTED: Job loss, changing schools, death of pet
UNPREPARED FOR: divorce, illness, natural disaster
NOT EQUIPPED FOR: sexual abuse, physical neglect
Anything you were POWERLESS TO ESCAPE
Ex. Verbally abusive dad, punitive mother, negligent parents, poverty, racism etc.
Anything that THREATENS you EMOTIONALLY or PHYSICALLY
Ex. EMOTIONALLY: Bullying, critical parent, humiliation
PHYSICALLY: Pinching, spanking too hard, slapping, inappropriate touch etc.
Does this definition of trauma start to jog your memory?
Now let’s add one more helpful clarification of how impactful these things were on you.
ADD +1 to anything that qualified as traumatic to you that was:
o Under age 12
o The wounding person was a family member
o How often it occurred [add +1 for every occurrence]
o Duration [add +1 for every month]
o Physically violated [slapped, wrongly touched, jerked, etc.] Add +5 to every occurrence, +10 for penetration
o No one validated you were being wrongfully treated or helped protect you [add +1 for every occurrence]
Hopefully, you can begin to see how we move from low traumatic stress to high traumatic stress. You may now begin to recognize where you are on the continuum.
Keep in mind…
Any event or chronic loss that occurred 12 years and younger have a greater impact on how you are coping and doing relationships today because they occurred when your brain and personality were still being formed.
The years under age 12 are considered formative years as they determine how we see ourselves (self-value) and how we see others (as safe or unsafe) to form meaningful relationships with.
Even if you didn’t have a significant negative event but rather an accumulation of ongoing losses such as emotionally absent or unpredictable parents or a hurtful sibling relationship, you can experience debilitating symptoms in how you see yourself and others in your present day.
The problem with any of these traumas happening is that we probably didn’t know how to process them then –especially if we were a child. When our brain is overwhelmed or ill-equipped to handle these challenges, our fear automatically shifts us into survival mode… and we can get stuck there.
Next, do you spend most of your time in survival mode via “The Four F’s”?
Fight, Flight, Freeze And Fawn is the human response to overwhelming fear.
We all will default to one of these survival positions when our physical or emotional safety is threatened. –Which is a good thing.
But it becomes a BAD thing when we stay STUCK in our survival response.
Remember my list above of the unwanted thinking, feeling and behaviors?
That list is indicating your hurts and losses were more stressful than you realized and that you probably need help to resolve them so you can get UNSTUCK.
Final TAKEAWAYS:
1. We all have trauma. The issue is how debilitating it is.
If you stay constantly worn out in your thinking or feelings or have reactive or destructive behaviors you can’t seem to quit – it is probably about your traumatic stressors – especially ages 12 and under.
2. Validate the “hard” and provide resources.
If you have children or friends and family going through these hard kinds of hurts and losses – try to validate how hard it is and see what kind of resources, you can help them get.
3. Get the help of a professional.
This is when a counselor is needed. They know how to help you resolve those past losses in a way to help you regain a healthy sense of yourself and how to relate to others in a healthy way.
4. Attend a workshop.
If you want a more comprehensive and concentrated approach –consider attending our Workshops: Hardwired to Heal and Men’s Coaching Weekend.
Karla Hardin is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Trauma Specialist for Hardin Life Resources
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