Which Personal Growth Stage are You In?
“…you will not enter into the process of personal growth until you reckon that you’re stuck.”
-Abigail Cole Hardin, CLC; PNLP
By Abigail Cole Hardin, CLC; PNLP
We talk so much about personal growth, but it’s a lot easier said than done.
Once we’re in the process of personal growth, we might have the expectation that with practice and consistent effort, we will achieve it. But personal growth is not the same as executing external goals. Personal growth is about yielding to an internal process.
The best example I can think of is Bill Murray’s character, Phil, in the classic film, “Groundhog Day.” While Bill Murray (Phil) makes the movie entertaining to relive the same day everyday never knowing when it will ever change for him to move forward, we can start to identify with his exasperation when we face personal growth.
Personal growth is in stages.
1. The first stage is when we realize we are forced to face ourselves.
Phil had a dysfunctional Groundhog Day and went to sleep glad that the day was behind him, until the next morning, he wakes up to same day… then the next and the next. Phil finally comes to grips that he is stuck in a dysfunctional reality.
The point is that you will not enter into the process of personal growth until you reckon that you’re stuck. When we begin to recognize that our relationships, circumstances, and or emotional behaviors have consistent, dysfunctional patterns, we must come to the point to face the truth—they will not change until we change.
Instead of focusing on changing our outward appearances, accomplishments and or the other people in our lives, we must shift our focus on developing ourselves inwardly. For instance, Bill’s external day would continue to remain the same until he changed internally. Thus, his character must change.
2. Stage two begins after this reckoning that our character must change in order to see our lives change.
Yet this is tricky because we still have the mindset that our internal goals work the same as our external goals. For instance, Phil thought if he did everything externally perfectly or the “right” way—he would change his character and then problem solved.
So, he learns how to play piano, he’s kind to everyone around him, he works on his appearance, he is taking advantage of every opportunity to make his external day look better—which helps him learn skills and change outwardly, but he remains stuck in the same day.
Completely exasperated that he had done everything he knew to do right, he rebels and does everything wrong. Still no change. He remains stuck in the day because he still has not had an internal character shift.
I have found myself stuck in stage two all too many times. In this phase I do everything I know to do, then I quit when I don’t experience the reward soon enough. This is when I relapse into old patterns and destructive habits. Eventually I’ll get tired of doing nothing and start again trying to resolve my character with making my life appear better. It might appear better for a time, but without a character-change, I only become exasperated.
It’s like losing weight then binging, or working really hard then crashing, or reaching goals then self-sabotaging… sound familiar? In stage two, I wrestle with personal growth thinking it’s something I can check off my list and move on with my life. I want a clear start to finish—but that is the tricky part. There is no clear start or finish with personal growth.
In Groundhog Day, Phil finally comes to terms that he might be stuck in the same day forever. He can’t force the timeline. He can’t rush his progress. He can’t make a clear goal and achieve it. He only has a choice of how he responds to his day which is to either fight against it by trying to control it, or to embrace who he is in his present moment, even if it doesn’t seem that life-changing.
3. We only enter into the third stage of personal growth when we yield to the process.
Yielding means we aren’t trying to control our growth, our results, or our timelines—we show up regardless. We choose to respond to our days versus react. We choose to face ourselves versus avoid. We choose to embrace that we are not machines, but ever-evolving and inconsistent human beings. And yet with all the inconsistency and resistance, we still choose to show up day after day regardless if our realities ever change.
This is when Phil wakes up to a new day.
We can wake up to a new day, too.
When we stop trying to force personal growth is when personal growth happens. It’s in the yielding not in the control.
So now take the time and really evaluate which stage you’re in:
Are you in Stage One?
Living out your dysfunctional reality day after day refusing to admit that you’re stuck?
Are you in Stage Two?
Trying to force your personal growth by managing your external to appear like you’re improving but you get exasperated?
Or Are you in Stage Three?
Yielding to the process by not looking to the results or timelines and embracing your present moment by showing up regardless?
Once you’re honest about the stage you’re in, this will propel you more to yield and continue in your process of personal growth.
Your “Groundhog Day” will end and your new day will begin when you yield to the process of personal growth.
“And not only this, be we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.” Romans 5:3-5 NASB