UNEQUALLY YOKED: How to Maintain Relationships When You are in Different Places in Life
“The older I get, I realize that many of us are constantly trying to navigate new relationship realities we didn’t choose.”
By Karla Hardin, M.S. LPC
By Karla Hardin, M.S. LPC
Traditionally, when we have heard the term “unequally yoked” it has been in the context of a Christian in a contractual relationship with a non-Christian. Much is said about this in relationship to marriage and business partners. (2 Corinthians 6:14)
But over the years I have discovered a less talked about understanding of this phrase.
The term basically means “out of sync” in one way or another. In the biblical reference it reflected when two oxen were yoked together with the task of pulling a plow. If the oxen were different in size or strength or experience, it would drastically affect their ability to do the job at hand. The “weaker” ox would be unable to match the stronger ox and it would end up causing the stronger ox to literally walk circles around it. Needless to say, not only would they be unable to accomplish the goal but it would be maddening and even painful to both.
There are two ways we get in “unequally yoked” relationships – by choice or by chance.
The Bible gives us clear instructions to not sign up for this kind of relationship. Here it is clearly imploring us to make a wise choice and not set ourselves up for a life of struggle, pain, frustration and simply going in different directions.
But the harder relationships to navigate in our lives are the ones that become unequally yoked by chance.
These relationships may have started out more “equally yoked” but get out of sync when realities like the following change:
Personal Health
Changes in Responsibilities
Change in Desires
Health of immediate family members
Role Reversals
Changes in wealth and material world – self or others
Addictions etc
These unexpected or undesired changes can land us in a “new normal” almost overnight. As I am getting older, I am aware that many of us are trying to constantly navigate new realities we didn’t choose.
So, how do we face these inevitable changes?
First, recognize there may not be a “black & white” solution because life is forever fluid.
Therefore my goal must be for daily wisdom. Finding wisdom then leads to options or actions to take.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 gives us a great start as it has us first look at the “season” in life to then determine an appropriate response. Then we need to examine the season with some clarifying questions like, “How did this season come about? “Is this season short-term or long-term?”
These questions help determine your responsibility and assess if you need temporary or long-lasting plan of action
Second, assess your role in the changed relationship.
This is often difficult because we all have a bias and can’t be objective when it comes to ourselves. Generally people fall between the spectrum of being utterly selfish to overly responsible.
There is always a tension in discerning between self-care and service. The key to discernment is to consciously and honestly look for both in your life.
Scripture gives us guidance in finding the balance between these two extremes.
In Luke 10:27 we read,
“‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’[a]and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”
Here in this verse we see a triad of balance. God does not over-focus on self, or others. Instead He places value or both equally. When you and I see both as equally valuable then we can begin the process of decision making in our given role. God does not ask me to “give up valuing myself” or “ignore the needs of others”. Both are of value and to be considered in all I do.
Throughout scripture we see both the individual and others valued. We don’t have to choose between the two. Check out verses such as Galatians 6:2,5 and 1 Thessalonians 5:14 to see how God values our individuality and our concern for our role in other’s lives.
So, what is my practical tool to inaugurate this balance in your ever-changing relationships?
1. TELL THE WHOLE TRUTH.
To yourself and then others. I could write a whole blog on why we don’t do this and how this alone could be transformative in our relationships.
Jesus nailed it in John 8:32. “You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free.” Acknowledge and share where you really are. You can do it kindly and appropriately. We get nowhere new when all of our cards are not on the table and acknowledged.
2. SPEAK INTO IT.
As a counselor I truly believe when we say our deepest thoughts out loud, we find clarity, freedom and we begin to grow. That is why Ephesians 4 says, “Speak the truth in love. To grow up ....” I want to emphasize the word SPEAK.
An example? Here is an easy one –You are still active, and your partner is limited health wise. Don’t just suck it up. Don’t passively or aggressively demand that your needs are met. This only ends in resentment.
Simply invite a real conversation where you address the ‘new season’ and the desire to respect your partner and still keep growing as an individual. Discuss together how you both can be honored and cared for in the season you are now.
3. ASK FOR CHANGE.
The final necessary step is to be direct and specific as to what change would look like. This is where most people get stuck in communicating. You must make your request concrete enough that the person knows what you need and clear enough that you both can know the action was taken.
Two key goals of this step are: Co-authoring and options.
Co-authoring means you work together to both express what you see the needs of each other to be. So, this is a dialogue where each are taking turns -like a team, to construct a plan that will meet the needs of both!
Then, Options, means you give a minimum of 3 possible ways you could see these needs met so that your partner has a choice in their response based on what they think they can realistically do.
Let me illustrate from the above scenario:
The one partner is not able to live their preferred lifestyle due to the illness/inability of their partner. So, after reflecting on their new limitations due to the health issues of the other, the limited partner offers three possibilities to help meet their need to keep living to their ability:
“In light of your inability to travel and my need to still be active, three possible ways you could help meet these needs are:
1. Once a month have a sibling come stay with you so I can take a getaway weekend;
2. Get a home health person once a week to let me have a full “day out” to see friends and self-car;.
3. Invite a family member to come stay a week with you where I can do a travel trip.”
By giving options, you give the partner/friend ways in which they can help meet the new needs in this season. And if they find all hard, you ask what they think they are able to do to help meet your need. This action invites healthy honesty and needed change.
A final thought…
Remember I said it was a triad that balances (love the Lord, Self, and others?) What clarifies and gives ultimate direction and order to assessing our actions is that we are to ‘love the Lord God first’. Here is the unique role Christians alone weigh into their decisions.
What trumps and governs our decision making is seeking His honor above self and others. In turn, he gives us the needed resources to love self and others, especially when it’s hard.
We may be called to sacrifice beyond what is “balanced”. But remember –if He calls you to sacrifice, there is a hidden nugget waiting for you.
Matthew 10:39
“Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it.”
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Karla Hardin is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Trauma Specialist for Hardin Life Resources
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