How is Your Enneagram Type Keeping You Stuck in Conflict?

By Audrey Hardin, M.S., LPC

“Conflict is the WORST!”

…or at least it seems that way.

Whether it’s with your parents, coworkers, spouse, partner, sibling, friend or even a stranger, most of us find no pleasure in it and would rather avoid it at all costs.

Agonizing, torturous, terrifying and traumatizing are some feelings that come to mind when thinking of conflict with a person we truly value. It consumes our thoughts, feelings, and can even be accompanied by bodily reactions such as a rapid beating heart or feeling sick to our stomach.

As much as we know about good “conflict-resolution” skills, it can all go out the window when we are in the thick of it and feeling “all the feels”. For some of us, we want justice. For others, we want peace …harmony. And for me, I want love and security.

We all have a core desire within us that drives the way we engage in relationships. The other driving factor in our relational engagement is our fear that arises during conflict. And everyone’s is different!

ENNEAGRAM: FEARS DURING CONFLICT

Type 1: Fear of being wrong.

Type 2: Fear of being unworthy of love.

Type 3: Fear of appearing incompetent.

Type 4: Fear of being misunderstood.

Type 5: Fear of being humiliated.

Type 6: Fear of being judged.

Type 7: Fear of experiencing pain.

Type 8: Fear of being out of control.

Type 9: Fear of the presence of conflict itself.

If we are not on the alert, our fears will begin to drive the direction of any conflict and suddenly our hopes of true resolution become further out of reach.

As a Two on the Enneagram, when I allow my fear to take over, I lose sight of the other person and easily invalidate their feelings by focusing on what a “good friend” or partner I have been in the past or “how hard I have worked to love them well” in order to justify my unwillingness to see my wrongs and validate my own worth.

Our fears keep us from owning our failures fully and valuing what others say, even if it feels threatening or does not make sense to us.

3 WAYS TO RESOLVE WELL

1. SELF-Reflection

…A necessary component of conflict-resolution.

We must begin to become intimately aware of our thoughts, feelings, fears, motivations, hurts, and dreams; and not just aware of these, but well acquainted with. Why? We must know who we are in order to understand what feels at risk within us when conflict arises.

Only when we take the time to examine “Self” can we form and maintain healthy relationships. This helps us not be surprised by our behavior but rather to be ready and willing to own it and learn from it.

Lamentations 3:40

“Let us examine our ways and test them”

Aristotle

“Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.”

Margaret J. Wheatley

“Without reflection, we go blindly on our way, creating more unintended consequences, and failing to achieve anything useful.”

2. OTHERS-Reflection

All of us are guilty of being consumed with our lives and agendas. When someone hurts or offends us, it is easy for us to only see if from the lens of ME instead of the lens of the other.

Just as we are to examine ourselves, we need to take time to examine the other; consider their fears, past hurts, pain, and vulnerabilities. They too have a story that led them to become who they are and governs how they interact with you in the present moment. Remember Freud? “All behavior has a reason!” See others’ behavior as an invitation to get curious about their story.

Instead of seeing them as “against” you, consider the reason behind their actions and words –they have fears just as you have. Whether right or wrong, they too deserve to be treated with dignity –to be heard.

You do not have to agree or compromise your boundaries to treat the other with dignity and respect.

Philippians 2:4

“Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”

3. Change Your Posture

Any conflict that seems unrelenting or that ends badly is a direct result of a defensive posture.

When one or both parties refuse to lower their defenses, consider their own wrongdoing, or offer compassion instead, gridlock happens …or worse, contempt.

Consider these three steps to change your posture:

First, take 3 deep breaths to pump the breaks on your sympathetic nervous system, which drives your reactivity of self-protection. Then, you are able to access your full self and true convictions.

Philippians 2:3 “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves.”

Second, remind yourself of your humanity and the humanity of the other. Both are capable of making mistakes, hurting one another, and living out of fear.

Jeremiah 17:9 "The heart is more deceitful than all else And is desperately sick; Who can understand it?

Third, offer compassion by seeking to understand instead of pushing to feel understood. Instead, let go of trying to defend or be right or perfect. What is needed and valuable will be revealed in time and our growth is the greater gain.

Conflict is not something to fear or resist, but rather to lean into. Through it, we learn more about ourselves, others, and grow towards wholeness.

Who’s with me?

For more on your Enneagram style, click here to check out our article on Enneagram Stances!

Audrey Hardin is a Staff Therapist and Speaker at The Center for Integrative Counseling and Psychology in Dallas, TX.

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