The Healing Power of Boundaries: A Peacemaker's Journey
Protecting your value over keeping the peace leads to lasting healthy relationships for life.
By Lauren Holler, ALC, Holistic Nutrition and Wellness Coach
Is it just me or have boundaries become ALL the rave the last several years?
To be honest, I don’t know that I truly understood what a boundary was until I had to come face to face in my personal life with the impact of what not having them was doing to me emotionally, relationally, physically and spiritually.
I’ve known I wanted to write on this topic for a while and I went back and forth in how I wanted to communicate this – do I take it personal, or do I stay more factual?
Well, let’s get real people. I know that God uses our hard for His good, so how can I use it for the good if I’m not sharing. If this helps one person or one person can relate and not feel alone, or find hope in the darkness, it was worth every single word. I do know this can be a sensitive subject, so please take this is a gentle trigger warning…
If you’re familiar with the Enneagram, I’m a 9, which is the Peacemaker. To all my fellow Peacemakers out there, I totally get that saying “no” is hard, and the fear of conflict and dread of confrontation is real, y’all! But, it’s not only the 9’s who struggle with setting boundaries. Many of us do.
Peacemakers are generally very empathetic, understanding, good listeners and loyal. These are all great qualities and are our gifts, but can also be our “Achilles heel”. We struggle with honoring ourselves, saying no and setting boundaries. We merge to feel connected – meaning we adapt to the needs and desires of those around us to feel loved and seen.
Our greatest fear is that if we assert ourselves, or create conflict that we will be abandoned, rejected or lose that person or relationship.
Again, these are all positive gifts, but sadly they can also set us up for very unhealthy relationships, comprised of manipulation, control and unfortunately abuse. And that’s exactly what happened to me. I was the perfect candidate for an abusive marriage.
Here is also what happened: Disconnection from family and friends, burnout, resentment, further loss of identity, constant stress, walking on egg shells and dread took its toll on my physical and mental health. And many that knew me well said that I had just "lost my spark".
It’s hard to reminisce on this, especially since now my life is so vastly different. It is almost as if this part of me and my life doesn’t feel real anymore. But, let me tell you, it was very very real and of course it wasn’t this way all the time –but until I became more self-aware and boundaried, it was the majority of the time.
This is also a huge part of my story and journey to healing, and I wouldn't be who I am today without it. I can now sit with clients who are in similar shoes and really be able to relate to them and their pain.
My prayer is always that I can be a guiding light for anyone struggling and let them know there is hope and a way through this, whatever that looks like for them.
“Boundaries, like a fence around our house, help us keep the good in and the bad out. Setting boundaries inevitably involves taking responsibility for your choices.
You are the one who makes them. You are the one who must live with their consequences. And you are the one who may be keeping yourself from making the choices you could be happy with.
We must own our own thoughts and clarify distorted thinking.”
―Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life
If you struggle with boundaries or find yourself in a relationship with a spouse, friend, boss, co-worker, etc. that feels like this, I want you to know you are not alone and there is hope. And the power to change lies within YOU!
Here are 5 simple, but hard steps that I had to walk through to learn how to confidently set boundaries:
Seek therapy
During this season of life (approx.. 7-10 years), I saw 5-6 different therapists and each of them changed my life, my view of myself and my situation. It wasn’t overnight, but they planted seeds that I needed to hear.
Read
Learn more about boundaries and what they are – another book that’s great is Lysa Terkeurst, Good Boundaries and Goodbyes: Loving Others Without Losing the Best of Who You Are.
Tell the truth
It’s easy to fall into the place of protecting others and their reputation, or also be easily manipulated to believe we are the problem. The more you can speak the truth of your situation to trusted others, the better.
Know your worth and dignity
Boundaries protect our self-worth and our dignity. When we let others use, abuse and manipulate we aren’t protecting our God-given dignity! This takes time. I suggest journaling, prayer, meditation. Write down your values and who you are, who you want to be. Meditate on those truths every single day. Our brain doesn’t know the difference between truths and lies – so we have to get those truths in there every.dang.day.
Define 2-3 clear boundaries
Set these boundaries/ rules for yourself that you’re not going to let others cross. Write them down and stick to them. These are your protection.
Here are a couple of examples:
a. I will not tolerate belittling, name calling or yelling. If this happens I will leave the room, walk away, etc.
b. I will only say "yes" to things that fill my cup, align with my values, or I know are going to help me get to where I want to be.
Think of a boundary as your line in the sand and you have the right to choose what you let cross that line.
And lastly, one more Step – Remember that it will always be a journey, friends.
Although my life looks very different today, I still have to remember to set healthy boundaries and know my worth and value and it’s not always easy. I'm human! My core gifts are always going to set me up to take the back seat in relationships. What I know now is that my life and relationships are sooo much healthier and others respect me more when I respect myself and I’ve come way too far to go back to the un-boundaried Lauren, without her spark!
Here’s to better boundaries and a life of healing, fullness and freedom. You deserve it!
Saying “no” or setting a boundary doesn’t mean you have to be unkind!
I love this image above from Healing the Source…. “Nice” vs “Kind”. Jesus didn’t “play nice”. He was kind.
Lauren is a therapist and holistic nutrition coach offering individual therapy in person in Fairhope, Alabama or virtually to Alabama residents through Live and Love Wellness. www.LandLWellness.com
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