Is your EQ Undermining Your Life?
Emotional intelligence isn’t something you’re born with—it’s a skill to develop. Consider how your EQ could be holding you back
By Philip K. Hardin, M.A., M. Div., LMFT, LPC
Your IQ, or intellectual intelligence, is clearly an important aspect of life. However, I know lots of smart people who have their life undermined by their EQ, or emotional intelligence.
Emotional intelligence: the ability to monitor and interpret one’s own and others’ feelings and emotions and use this information to guide one’s actions and behaviors.
“Houston, we have a problem!” It’s a problem when you are not aware of what you are feeling, or the other person is feeling. It’s a problem when you cannot control your emotions or the person you are trying to have a relationship with is unable to control their emotions.
As a Christian, you want to honor God in all aspects of your life. Your EQ is important in understanding, managing, and expressing your emotions. Not being connected to or in control of your emotions can keep your body from being healthy, make you less productive and hinder you in supporting those you seek to love or help.
You need to learn how to connect to your emotions. You have a problem when you can’t.
We all need the ability to identify what we are feeling and then put words to those experiences —to name them.
But, when you push them down inside or deny them, your life can be chaotic and confusing. You may even begin to experience physical symptoms in your body, for example, a fast heartbeat or shallow breathing. See The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Sean Pratt and Bessel A. van der Kolk.
Here's a template to assess your EQ - How Do You Know if You are Emotionally Intelligent?
10 Key Signs and Examples of EQ:
1. An ability to identify and describe what people are feeling.
2. An awareness of personal strengths and limitations.
3. Self-confidence and self-acceptance.
4. The ability to let go of mistakes.
5. An ability to accept and embrace change.
6. A strong sense of curiosity, particularly about other people.
7. Feelings of empathy and concern for others.
8. Showing sensitivity to the feelings of other people.
9. Accepting responsibility for mistakes.
10. The ability to manage emotions in difficult situations.
How are you at each of these? Sit with a friend or your spouse and work through the list with their feedback.
Solution: What Are the 4 Components of Emotional Intelligence?
Researchers suggest that there are four different levels of emotional intelligence including emotional perception, the ability to reason using emotions, the ability to understand emotions, and the ability to manage emotions.
1. Perceiving emotions:
The first step in understanding emotions is to perceive them accurately. You must be able to identify what you are feeling, as well as what others feel. In many cases, this might involve understanding nonverbal signals such as body language and facial expressions.
2. Reasoning with emotions:
The next step involves using emotions to promote thinking and cognitive activity. Emotions help prioritize what we pay attention and react to; we respond emotionally to things that garner our attention. That which illicit or evokes strong emotions is important. To minimize or neglect what you feel, or others feel is to disregard or invalidate yourself or others.
3. Understanding emotions:
The emotions that we perceive can carry a wide variety of meanings. If someone is expressing angry emotions, the observer must interpret the cause of the person's anger and what it could mean. For example, if your boss is acting angry, it might mean that they are dissatisfied with your work, or it could be because they got a speeding ticket on their way to work that morning or that they've been fighting with their partner. Remember: all behavior has a reason. Ask yourself: “What is behind the strong emotion?”
4. Managing emotions:
The ability to manage emotions effectively is a crucial part of emotional intelligence and the highest level. Regulating emotions and responding appropriately as well as responding to the emotions of others are all important aspects of emotional management. Self-care and respect for others requires understanding emotions. Empathy is required.
Recognizing emotions - yours and theirs -can help you understand where others are coming from, the decisions they make, and how your own feelings can affect other people.
Be aware of primary emotions.
Emotions are complex and multifaceted, but at their core, they can be categorized into primary emotions. There are seven primary emotions: anger, fear, hurt/grief, surprise, shame, sadness, and joy/happiness. Primary emotions are the fundamental feelings that we all experience. These emotions are universal and instinctual, and they serve as the building blocks for our emotional experiences.
Primary emotions are often the initial reactions we have to a circumstance or relationship. For example, when someone receives unexpected, good news, their primary emotion might be joy, while receiving bad news might elicit sadness or anger. By understanding and acknowledging these primary emotions, you can gain insight into others true feelings and needs, as well as your own.
Here's a simple 5-part template to utilize to develop your EQ. People who have a high EQ display a value of these 5-character qualities:
1. Welcome – Smile!
Be conscious of how someone experiences you. Is the energy that others experience from you WELCOMING?
2. Seen – Look into eyes!
When you greet someone, talk with someone, be sure to look them in the eye. Really see the other person. Gift them with the experience of being seen.
3. Wanted – Give hugs!
Everyone wants to feel wanted. Physical acknowledgement through a firm handshake or an appropriate hug can communicate respect and value of another person.
4. Cared for – Serve the other person!
Scripture says we are to consider the other person as more important than ourselves. “No one cares what you think, until they think you care!”
5. Nurtured – Give to!
Be a giver and not a taker. Be generous in your regard to another person.
Finally, EQ is more than just understanding emotions. It’s about embracing vulnerabilities, practicing empathy, living in the present, and understanding the changing nature of feelings.
Remember, emotional intelligence isn’t something you’re born with—it’s a skill that can be developed. It’s part of developmental growth.
Hope you will be a GROWER!
Ride ON!
Phil
Phil Hardin works as a Licensed Professional Counselor and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with Hardin Life Resources practicing in both Jackson, MS and Fairhope, AL. Phil’s heart is for men to personally experience God’s redemptive plan through sharing their story with a community committed to whole, authentic living. Check out Men’s Coaching Weekends to learn more.
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