How Goldilocks and The Three Bears Teach Us How To Navigate All of Our Relationships
Are you plagued by “black-and-white” thinking in your relationships that set you up for unrealistic expectations and disappointments? Find out the fairytale formula!
By Karla Hardin, MS LPC-S
How can a nursery fairytale offer us wisdom that can work for all relationships you ask? Because there is a universal truth in it that a lot of us miss utilizing in our relationships and in life in general.
Wisdom is this: LIFE SHOULD NOT BE LIVED IN THE EXTREMES.
But the reality is, we are all tempted to live in a “black and white” mentality. We tend to lump things into “all good or all bad”. This is a normal stage of developmental growth of a child… but the problem is that many people get stuck in this phase and do not continue maturing.
According to Piaget’s Stages of Development, “Black and White" thinking, or stubborn, rigid and extreme thinking, is common with immature cognitive development.
In in our relationships, thinking in extremes leads us to categorize them too quickly as either good or bad. We spend our days trying to find and hold on to the good ones and discard or run from the bad ones.
The problem with this immature model of dealing with our relationships is that we end up with no idea what to do with the relationships that started good that now hurt us. Also, the obvious problem we face is that at some point all relationships are going to hurt us – even if unintentionally.
So, what do we do so we don’t end up writing everyone off and finding ourselves isolated and alone?
First, we must realize all relationships are not created equal when it comes to giving them access to our most personal and valuable parts of who we are.
Second, don’t assume all people will treat you the way you treat them.
Third, remember relationships are fluid and will change with seasons.
Sadly, I have had to learn these rules the hard way. And my overplayed Christian values even caused a lot of my pain.
Here are how my extremes, even in my desire to honor God in my relationships, backfired.
Consider what I did wrong and the antidote I learned:
1. I treated all people the same in an effort to demonstrate Christ’s acceptance of all by over giving, over sharing, and over doing.
I basically gave everyone an all-access pass. I was in the extreme trap of “all or nothing”. This set me up to be exploited in things as simple as my time, energy, and concern – even when they showed no real value of it.
ANTIDOTE: Actually, studying the ministry of Jesus corrected my view as He very clearly did not give an all-access pass to Himself. Rather, you see Him choosing whom He healed or stopped for in the crowds. He did not respond to all the needs that were around Him. He also let people go when they didn’t show the level of commitment to the relationship that He did. (i.e. the rich young ruler)
Then, even among the disciples, there were those He selected to let into His most vulnerable inner circle. (i.e. John, Peter, and James) Finally, He even stepped away from a blind loyalty to family by saying His relationships were value-based more than blood-based. (Mark 3:33-35)
In other words, Jesus was aware that all relationships didn’t merit the same level of trust, involvement, or blind loyalty.
But He didn’t write these people off either – rather He appraised where they were at and offered Himself accordingly. He could still enjoy the tax-gathers and sinners where they were.
He also could still stay in relationship with his weak and frightened disciples even when they failed Him. He didn’t feel guilty for appraising where people were at and setting limits in regards to how He related to them.
BOTTOM LINE: Jesus didn’t overplay His unconditional love for others or the ability to forgive to the point that He allowed people to violate His value and limits.
It is our responsibility to appraise our relationships and tailor the level of trust and commitment according to the level that others are at. This appropriate evaluation keeps us from going to the extremes of either loving at any cost or kicking them out of our lives forever.
2. I naively assumed all people followed the Golden Rule – especially people in my family and people in the faith.
Proverbs instructs us to be wise – not naïve. I personally overdid nice. I thought surely if I modeled kindness and respect then I would get that in return. I hoped my “example” would be picked up on and it would inspire those I was in relationship to follow suit. Yes, it is possible to lead with too much grace and not enough truth.
I truly hoped I could love people enough to change.
Sadly, this is not true. People must decide to change. And because I was not telling them to the extent their behavior was hurtful, or dishonoring I was sending an unintentional message that their behavior either wasn’t that bad or even worse – it was justified.
ANTIDOTE: We must find the balance of both grace and truth. When we are on either extreme it doesn’t serve us or others well. Jesus once again is our example. He never compromised the truth when He was loving others.
Grace alone cheapens love. It also fosters deluded view of self and a spirit of entitlement.
Now for one more hard fact I needed to face: I wanted love and grace only to work because I wanted to avoid conflict. I wanted the fairytale family and fairytale friends so much that I shied away from the model of Jesus. So, look deeper into your heart and examine why you tend to either the extreme of grace or truth How does it serve you to overlook the wrong behavior you endure or to judge and write people off continually?
3. I didn’t always allow enough time or space for some tough relationships to change.
I have been on both extremes in my relationships. Not only have I erred toward grace, but I have also written people off prematurely.
I realize now I tried both extremes with the hope of getting the love I wanted without getting hurt. Not giving people the chance to grow and change showed my immaturity. I wasn’t confident in my ability to set boundaries so to write them off kept me from having to risk being disappointed or hurt again.
Not being “black and white” or extreme about how a conflict was handled allows time and growth to get us to a different place. But when we write someone off completely, we could totally miss that new place our relationship might have gotten. It is totally a self-preserving move and isn’t trusting in God for something more. I have regrets on how I have done this in the past and don’t want you having the same regrets.
ANTIDOTE: Jesus once again is such an example of allowing relationships to be fluid and go through different seasons or layers of intimacy. He could do this because He wasn’t afraid of being hurt or disillusioned by people. He knew two things that we may know and yet forget –
There are bigger goals and gains than avoiding hurt. He knew there was a bigger picture and actually lived like it was true. We need to quit fearing pain in our relationships and instead commit to gain wisdom from them.
He trusted that He had the ability to set appropriate boundaries with people if He needed to. Too often, we feel powerless to initiate needed change in our relationships and opt to bolt instead.
Being fluid in His relationships allowed the growth, repentance and change in His relationships with Thomas and Peter even after distrust and hurt were present.
So I invite you to learn from Goldilocks and the example of Jesus to get off the seesaw of only handling your relationships by extremes.
Find the unified power of both grace and truth, and watch it free you to go the distance in your relationships with faith instead of fear!
Karla Hardin is a Licensed Professional Counselor Supervisor, Workshop Developer, Facilitator, and Trauma Specialist for Hardin Life Resources
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