How to Support Kids of Divorce During the Holidays

A blended family Christmas story and 3 ways to help your kids navigate the challenges of this season.

By Rachel Dunne, ALC and Certified Stepfamily Coach, @SpiritualStepmom

‘Twas the morning of Christmas, when all through the house,

Not a creature was stirring, except for a bitter, resentful spouse.

It’s true. There I was early Christmas morning, a new-ish stepmom stewing over the complexities and challenges of stepfamily life and feeling sorry for myself because I would never have the Hallmark version of Christmas like all the “normal families” out there. You see, the holidays have a way of highlighting the fact that stepfamilies do not feel or function like traditional families and that can be a hard sugarplum to swallow, especially during the holiday season when expectations are higher than a four-year-old’s blood sugar on Christmas morning.

After the kids got up and we opened presents, we all piled up in the car in our matching pajamas and headed to my parents’ house to eat breakfast and open more presents. I’m not even gonna lie… ”God Rest ye Merry Gentlemen” playing on the radio, and those sparkly diamonds laying across my wrist had me all hopped up on dopamine, so I turned around to smile at the kids, and soak in what felt like a genuine moment of blended Christmas bliss…that is until I met eyes with a blonde-haired, blue-eyed little girl in the third row seat, who resembled a heartbroken Cindy Lou Who, who had just woken up to an empty house. I didn’t even have to ask what was wrong. I already knew. As much as I hate to admit it, my initial reaction was not to feel sorry for her, but to feel sorry for myself…a classic scroogey stepmom move, am I right?

Why did I even bother pretending that we could enjoy Christmas like a normal family…Why did I have to carry the emotional burden of worrying about someone else’s kid when all I wanted to do was have fun and enjoy the excitement of Christmas with my own… Why did things always have to be so darn emotionally charged and complicated in a stepfamily…Why in the world did I decide to become a stepmom in the first place?

These were the thoughts running through my mind at that moment, and I NEEDED SOME ANSWERS!

BUT GOD…

…did not give me the answer I expected. Instead, He gave me a big dose of reality…without the crushed candy canes on top. Suddenly, the thought hit me like a Polar Express train on Christmas Eve. Here I was, a grown adult, throwing a pity party for myself, while this innocent CHILD was in my backseat choking back tears, unable to enjoy what is supposed to be THE most fun and exciting day of a kid’s entire YEAR. The truth is, she was so overwhelmed with anxiety and guilt that she couldn’t even allow herself to soak in the magic of Christmas morning knowing that one of her parents was having to spend it alone.

My stepdaughter didn’t get the luxury of being a light-hearted kid that day. She was too busy bearing the heaviness of an adult-sized burden.

This is the harsh reality for kids of divorce during the holiday season, adult-sized burdens.

Here’s the deal. I know the holiday season is incredibly challenging for everyone in a stepfamily, and I will be the first to admit that I find myself consistently irritated by the complexity of trying to navigate the holidays when one of your kids lives with two different families in two different homes…

…and it is SO important that we acknowledge and process our own emotions when we are struggling with this reality, BUT we cannot get so wrapped up in our own feelings that we forget to notice when our kids are struggling, too - and I can promise you that no one in a stepfamily struggles more than the ones who are constantly being torn between two worlds, and are completely powerless to change anything about it.

Unfortunately, we live in a fallen world and part of living in a fallen world is dealing with divorce and broken families.

And at the same time, there’s some good news…

The story of Christmas is the perfect reminder that we serve a God who knows what it’s like to be human, and truly understands (and is not shocked by) the struggles of humanity, the innate brokenness inside of us, and all the messes that inevitably creates in our lives. While it’s true that the consequences of divorce are always going to make things more challenging, His  grace is always greater than any mess we could ever make!

Here are THREE WAYS you can help nurture and support your kids through the challenges of the holiday season:

1. Offer doable solutions.

While you can’t change the fact that your child will experience some negative feelings about being away from one of their families during the holidays, there are some ways you can help them handle these emotions in a more proactive way. For example, take your child shopping and let them pick out a present for their other parent or other family members, and help them wrap it. I know this may be a sacrifice on your part, but this is a really simple way to help them feel less powerless in the situation and replace those negative feelings with more positive ones.

Did you know that gift-giving releases a cascade of feel-good chemicals in the brain and helps to reduce stress levels? That is a gift in itself! It will also show the kids that you are supportive of their relationship with their other family and will help transition day be a little less anxiety-inducing and a little more exciting! It’s all about the little things in a stepfamily! If buying gifts doesn’t work for your family, there are plenty of other options, like making a homemade card or art project, or offering them an opportunity to make a special phone call to the other parent. It’s up to you to decide what works best for your family!

2. Work to create predictability.

You know what makes kids feel safe and emotionally secure? Predictability. For kids, predictability is crucial for emotional stability and let’s be honest, most kids of divorce already deal with an insufferable amount of chaos and unpredictability even outside of the holiday season. We all know that tradition is important in a traditional family, but did you know it is even more important for a stepfamily?

Creating family traditions your child can look forward to and expect to participate in every year is one of the best ways you can help your child feel more safe and emotionally stable during the holidays. These traditions will promote bonding between family members, create lasting memories, and most importantly, generate a sense of belonging which is essential for kids of divorce and stepfamilies as a whole.    

3. Give your kids permission to enjoy Christmas with their other family.

This is a hard one. Celebrating the holidays without your children is something no parent should have to endure, and I know it may feel completely harmless and innocent to cry or repeatedly tell your kids how much you miss them, but what you are actually communicating, whether intentionally or not, is that it’s not okay for them to enjoy the holidays with their other family.

The reality is, your kid already knows you are going to be sad, and that you are going to miss them immensely while they are gone-they do not need you to remind them-and when you do, you are only creating more anxiety, guilt and sadness for them to be overwhelmed by in the long run. Plus, there is literally nothing they can do to change it, so you are only setting them up to feel more powerless. I know it’s extremely difficult but try to resist the urge to share any negative feelings with your kids and process them with a trusted adult instead.

As parents we are called to put our children’s interest before our own, and in this case that means giving them permission to be excited and have fun with their other family by staying calm, grounded and strong, even when it’s tearing us apart inside. This may look like displaying positive body language or verbalizing your excitement for them, or even minimizing the amount of phone calls you make so they are not constantly being reminded of the sad circumstances.

The thing is, kids don’t get a choice in their parent’s divorce or the custody schedule, so the least we can do for them is manage our emotions and the realities of divorce in a way that best allows them to be children, instead of mini-adults walking around carrying the emotional weight of their parents’ choices.

The Christmas story is THE proof that humility, love, and sacrifice are the greatest gift any of us could ever give one another, and when we do…we are never more like Jesus, who —

“made Himself of no reputation, and took upon Him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men: And being found in fashion as as man, He humbled himself and became obedient unto death, even the death of a cross.” Philippians 2:7-8

I will never forget that Christmas, and the depth of sadness and compassion that stirred within me as I watched my stepdaughter wave goodbye and climb inside of her mother’s car later that day.

But I heard Him whisper as they drove out of sight,

Merry Christmas from heaven, where I’ll make all things right.

Guest Contributor, Rachel Dunne is an Associate Licensed Counselor, a Stepfamily Foundation Certified Coach in Alabama and founder of www.spiritualstepmom.com. You can find her on Instagram, sharing her blended family life and life hacks @spiritualstepmom.

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