A Therapist’s Tip to Improve All Your Relationships

Understanding the 3 core needs of people is the secret Insight that counselors know and now you can too!

By Karla S. Hardin, MS LPC-S, SEP

Solving problems always begins with knowing what the actual problem is.

Whether in business or personal relationships if you don’t have a clear picture of what you are trying to fix you can waste a lot of time, energy, and even money.

You can imagine as a counselor that there are so many variables and possible causes that influence how people get stuck either personally, professionally, or relationally. Imagine how long it could take to get to know each individual before a counselor could determine what the root of the problem is.  

Training and years of experience have simplified this process for me by narrowing it down to three categories I believe all personal and relational problems fall into. I believe understanding these three areas can be helpful for anyone who wants to understand and encourage the people they care for.

Once you identify the core issue –either yours or those are in relationship with, you then can tailor your support, encouragement or getting the best help instead of wondering why all your attempts to improve yourself or your relationships seem to fail.

So, I want to give you this quick insight into the inner workings of a person to identify which is their core longing with questions to ask or observations to make and then some simple and practical ways you can support and care for these needs.

The three needs that all humans, unconsciously or consciously, seek to meet in order to live a grounded, fulfilling and exciting life are: 

1. VALUE: (to be seen, wanted, cared for, nurtured for my inherent worth)

2.  SAFETY: (to be safe physically, emotionally, & relationally)

3.  AUTONOMY: (free to choose – what I think, do, and say)

These core needs were designed to be met in our relationship with God.

He saw our “unformed substance “and delighted in us as Ps. 139 points out – giving us innate value. Through obediently trusting Him, Adam and Eve never had to worry about danger, loss, deprivation, or enemies. God’s constant protection banished all fears.

 And unlike all the other created creatures on earth and other heavenly beings, Man and Woman were given the gift of sharing God’s likeness which allowed them the privilege of choice to be their own person and make their own decisions as seen in their mandate to “go and subdue and rule the earth” as they saw fit.

But when Adam and Eve stepped out of dependence upon God for these needs, they stepped into a life of shame, fear and defiance and the natural consequences as a result of playing God in their own lives and relationships. 

So, every longing, fear, and relationship trialwe face has its beginning in the loss of either value, safety, autonomy, or the combination or sum of them all. 

OBSERVATIONS & QUESTIONS TO DISCOVER CORE WOUND/NEED

1.  Look for a consistent emotion you or others seem to feel. 

If the core emotion is shame; resulting in self sabotage, or self-loathing – the core need is Value. If the core emotion is fear – which may show up as anxiety, or lack of trust resulting in hypervigilance – the core need is Safety. If the core emotion is anger which can manifest as frustration, impatience & criticism resulting in control issues (too much or too little) the core need is Autonomy/Choice.

2.  Observe what people are always focused on.

Is it people’s opinions, feeling powerless in situations, or focused on what can go wrong in every situation, etc. In these three examples – the first is focused on the loss of value, next is the loss of power/choice and last is loss of safety through unexpected loss, harm or fearing deprivation.

3.  Take the Enneagram test at www.wepss.com to get objective input if you aren’t sure.  

• 8, 9, & 1’s need AUTONOMY/CHOICE. Typically, they sought to find this through controlling others, the environment or themselves.

• 2, 3, & 4’s core need is VALUE as they  seek it either by servitude, performance or fearing being misunderstood.

• 5,6, & 7’s seek to find SAFETY through either knowledge, managing potential threats, or outrunning fear by seeking pleasure.

These observations and questions quickly narrow down what people you care about are seeking to gain in their everyday lives.

SUMMARIZE AND SIMPLIFY BEFORE MOVING ON

My core longing is for (Value, Safety or Autonomy) and my driving emotion is

(Shame, Fear or Anger; whether expressed, repressed, or denied)  (Spouse, child, co-worker etc.) core longing is for and the emotion I see them most consistently express is (Shame, Fear or Anger).

SIMPLE WAYS YOU MIGHT HELP MEET OTHER’S CORE LONGING:

For those with VALUE needs:

·      Tell them specific qualities you see and value in them. i.e. their laugh, their compassion, their determination, how they admit when they are wrong, etc.

·      Tell them it’s okay when they make a mistake – it’s not fatal – they are still worthy of love even when they mess up

·      Share bible verses on how valuable they are to God and that never changes!

·      Don’t withhold love or acceptance when the mess up

For those who have SAFETY needs:

·      Help them verbalize their fears “out loud”. Try a question like this: What is scaring you about this ___________ (person, situation, task, etc.)

·      Help them find options to problem solve by brainstorming with them.

·      Give them a hug and reassure them they will survive, and you will walk with them through it.

·      Encourage them with bible verses that show God promises help and protection in everything we face.

For those who have AUTONOMY needs:

·      Validate that they have choice as to how they think, feel and act. And should not be controlled by others who do not respect their God-given dignity.

·      Remind them they are not powerless and brainstorm ways they have choice in the worst of circumstances.

·      Empower them to set and verbalize boundaries in unhealthy situations v. enduring wrong treatment in a respectful way

·      Point them to the example of Jesus – He exercised His choice in every situation, drew boundaries in all His relationships, did not betray Himself even at the expense of making others angry

These are just a few ways to begin to encourage and support people you care about and interact with by addressing their core need with a word, gesture, or action.

ALL IN ALL, when you look for another person’s core need, you will quickly see why they act the way they do, say the things they say, and resist certain situations and people. This helps us see one another as people with deep needs instead of seeing them as against us!

Go try and see if this “therapist insight” improves your relationships!

 Karla Hardin is a Licensed Professional Counselor Supervisor, Somatic Experiencing Practitioner, Workshop Developer, Facilitator, and Trauma Specialist for Hardin Life Resources

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