The Secret Recipe for Successfully Communicating With Tough People
A time-tested method for changing hard conversations to productive ones!
By Audrey Hardin, LPC-S
Ahhh the beauty of a slow-cooker. There’s something about the cooler months that help slow us down and remind us to pull out the crockpot for some savory, low hassle, slow-cooked meals.
When you use the slow-cooker method, proteins that are typically tougher become tender, as the prolonged low heat breaks down the collagen. The flavors of a dish meld together and deepen over time as the spices and ingredients gradually become richer and aromatic.
I, for one can learn a lot from a slow-cooker. I think a lot of us can. Especially when it comes to how we address our tough “people-problems.”
If you’re like me, when a problem arises, you jump into action…. As Vanilla Ice famously says, “If there is a problem, yo! I’ll solve it.”
By “fixing”, defending, or fighting to control something (or someone), we can avoid our own uncomfortable feelings, interactions, insecurities, or worst case scenarios.
When we jump to action, we don’t have to sit in the discomfort or pain that the problem exposes.
We also miss out on the wisdom God wants to give us and the love he wants to show us through slowing it all down. It is so much easier to point the finger in the moment and project the blame outward than to take the time to explore our reactions in the first place, isn’t it?
What I am not saying:
I am not saying that the problems you’re noticing aren’t real or produce consequences.
What I am saying:
I am saying that until we slow down our response and explore what is going on inside of us, we will miss all that God wants to do in us, how he wants to use us, and what he is doing in someone else.
What triggers us to react in these situations?
Our reactions are typically rooted in our deepest fears and woundedness that we’ve actually had our whole lives. Consider yours…
Some possible activating circumstances:
Someone tells you about a choice they’re about to make that you think is reckless or that you just don’t like; someone disrespects you, cuts you off, only calls when they’re in crisis, threatens to expose you or someone else, threatens to leave you, gives you the silent treatment, misuses something, poorly represents Christ, and the list goes on.
What they could be exposing in you:
Fear of losing love, fear of losing the people I love if I don’t fix them, feeling safe, loosing control, being yelled at, feeling vulnerable, being disrespected, fear of conflict/no peace, feeling overwhelmed or powerless, fear of being misunderstood, fear of being labeled “bad” or “failure”.
Take time to slow down and get curious about your reaction to gain insight and tackle the “problem” with thoughtfulness, patience, self-control, and wisdom.
TRY THIS:
Think for a moment about a problem that came up for you this week. A relationship issue, parenting challenge, work problem, miscommunication, misfire, disappointment, or frustration.
Now, drop out of your head and into your body. What do you notice? You may notice a variety of sensations -tightening in the chest, heaviness in your shoulders, a pit in your stomach, shakiness, restrictions, tingling, etc.
I invite you to be with that sensation and simply notice it. Maybe even put a hand on where it shows up.
What happens next?
When have you felt this before?
What feelings arise as you sit here with the sensation?
In sitting with my sensations, I gain clues to know what’s going on INSIDE of me and what’s at the bottom of my own reactivity. Suddenly, the problem I initially saw is not the focus but my own internal wrestle with it.
SLOW COOKER MARINATION
It is here, in the wrestle, that we can ask the real questions:
1. Lord, what do you want me to know about me by exposing my compulsion to react to this?
2. What is this reaction revealing about where my hope and trust is?
3. Who do I believe oversees the healing and sanctification process in my life and the lives of others?
4. How do you want me to respond? And when do you want me to respond to this person/or situation?
5. Practice confession and gratitude*
*”Thank you for not giving up on me when I try to deflect, project, hide, defend, or shame myself. Thank you for not fixing it all immediately and allowing me to marinate in the good healing work.”
“The one who has knowledge uses words with restraint, and whoever has understanding is even-tempered. Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent, and discerning if they hold their tongues.”
Proverbs 17:27-28
Remember, SLOW IT DOWN.
When we hold our tongues, are slow to speak and quick to listen, God gets to do His sanctifying work in us and through us.
This is when…like a good slow cooked meal, we become the fragrant aroma of Christ!
Audrey Hardin is a Relationship Therapist, Speaker, and Workshop Leader at Hardin Life Resources in Dallas and McKinney, TX.
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