What Do You Do When Your Marriage Stops Following God’s Design?
God’s Biblical Ideal does not always match the reality of our marriages. Learn how to identify yours and what to do next.
By Philip K. Hardin, M.A., M. Div., LMFT, LPC
As a counselor and life coach, I have sat with hundreds of married couples who started their marriage journey together with the best of intentions and yet, have come to a place of heartache and headache. They sit in front of me questioning if they married the wrong person, how they got to this chaotic place, and with little hope their marriage can be salvaged.
Their pain is real and the way to healing seems distant and illusive. There is a deadness and hopelessness to their present reality. Lots of blame and criticism mark their attitude toward one another.
How did their marriage come to this? Let’s first examine God’s original intent for marriage before exploring the human reality.
God’s Plan: Covenant Marriage, The Ideal.
God designed marriage to be a lifelong covenant of companionship (Gen. 2:24). The Biblical ideal isn’t merely that couples remain married but that they find great joy together (Eccl. 9:9). Because God joins a man and a woman in matrimony, marriage should be honored and protected (Matt. 19:6). We must guard our own marriages from infidelity and neglect. We are to respect marriage as a covenant.
A Christian marriage begins with the Biblical Ideal pledge to one another in a Covenant Marriage.
Marriage is a legal bond solemnized by vows. A wedding is not so much a claim of present love as a promise of future love. Vows keep you together. Without a covenant that keeps you together, you will not survive the hardships of life. “I’ll be there for you” is what each party declares in a covenant marriage.
Remember that love is fundamentally action rather than primarily emotion. To be united to someone through a covenant is to be bound by promise, or oath. A covenant promise enables one to grow in all areas. Why?
Because a covenant gives the security necessary to open one’s heart and speak vulnerably and truthfully without being afraid that the partner will leave.
Human Factor: Reality of Marriage
As much as the Ideal plan of God is found in Covenant Marriage, the Reality of the human condition is easily visible in the struggle of two broken people becoming one.
The Ideal may point us toward what should be, but the reality of life reveals the strategies and defenses that we cling to when we are fearful and under threat of danger.
We don’t feel safe. We have been damaged by sin and trauma. And, as much as the Gospel heals us and frees us, we are a work in progress.
Marriage not only grows us, but it exposes us.
Even when Jesus was asked about divorce in Matthew 19, he references Moses. “Because of your hardness of heart Moses permitted you to divorce your wives … “ What did Jesus mean by hardness? The hardness of heart is the sin nature.
The sin nature causes our hearts to be so inwardly turned, so inclined toward self-interest, that all relationships become difficult. The sin nature refuses to look at the whole truth. The sin nature moves us toward the law, a preoccupation with “right or wrong” which moves us towards judgment of one another.
Every mention throughout the Bible about the hardness of heart refers to the refusal to accept truth and insistence on self-interest and self-preservation.
Hardness is a stubborn demand to be right and is a demonstration of a lack of humility or willingness to self-assess.
This is the essence of the human factor in marriage –refusal to grow.
The most significant expression of Covenant Marriage says, “I will change/grow for you.” However, Covenant Marriage calls for a mutual commitment for growth and change which is cultivated in grace, humility, forgiveness, and sacrifice.
Consider this diagram of the continuum of marriage:
X marks the positive middle. This represents what Covenant Marriage in intended to be. It is meant to be a commitment to grow and consistently seeking to get better and move through developmental growth as both parties mature. Both parties are committed to one another and enjoying companionship on the road to full maturity.
The two negative poles represent the ways men and women live in their brokenness.
On the left pole, is the one who lives in passivity—avoidant attachment. In my Book: Lions Were Born to Roar this would be the Turtle and the Chameleon. This is the person who has difficultly standing up for themselves and confronting the other. They avoid confrontation, have difficulty expressing themselves, and feeling powerless.
On the right pole, is the Rigid and Grandiose—anxious attachment. This is the person who argues for the “should” in the relationship. They often do not have good self-perception but are quick to point the finger at the other. They can be aggressive and reactive in their anxiety.
What I see in marriage: The Passive person marries the Rigid person, the Frozen person marries the Grandiose person.
And, as much as both may love Jesus and initially committed to a Covenant Marriage, the marriage slowly erodes, and the individuals become discouraged and lose heart. As the saying goes, “They keep doing the same thing over and over, hoping for different results.”
What’s the problem?
The human condition of sin …which is manifested in personal strategies of coping like hiding, avoiding, blaming or reactivity.
Survival techniques have been developed unconsciously over a lifetime. We desire something better but find ourselves stuck in old patterns that will eventually over-ride our marriage vows and original commitment to a Covenant Marriage. Sadly, Reality—what is— will often win over the Ideal—what I want, should be, and committed to.
“People who care more about being right than ending right prove just how wrong they were all along.” Lysa Terkeurst
ACTION: What can I do?
A Covenant Marriage is a vow to “be with” for the future and is important to navigate the long journey of life. However, the original commitment will not always sustain the human experience of misery and disappointment that is often the reality of marriage. It may not be right, but it is reality when a spouse can no longer live in the hurt, loneliness, and the reality of not being seen, heard, or understood.
Remember: we all desire intimacy. Intimacy is the experience of being known and knowing the other. There is no intimacy without vulnerability. Therefore, what can you do if you find yourself longing for more?
1. Seek God
I need a vital, intimate spiritual relationship with the living God. As I grow closer to Him, I can grow closer to another. He empowers and guides through the most difficult of times. The experience of intimacy with God is far more effective in the journey of marriage than a vow to be committed to the marriage.
2. Grow in Self-Awareness
The antidote for blame and criticism of the other is the ability to self-assess and see your part in the rupture of the relationship. Marriage counseling does not work for those who cannot self-assess. You must know yourself and especially see your strategies to survive.
3. Develop Empathy
The one element that is critical to a growing marriage is the ability to see and understand the other’s experience of living with you. “What’s it like to be married to me?” is a courageous question to ask. Being able to put yourself in the other’s shoes and to find the words to describe how you truly understand the other’s experience of living with you is a game changer.
4. Set Boundaries
There is no intimacy without boundaries. Jesus said, “Let your yes be yes and your no be no.” That was Jesus’ way of acknowledging the need for boundaries. You must have the will and the ability to voice your likes and dislikes, what you will accept and not accept, and what behaviors are acceptable and unacceptable. I call it the ability to call “ball and strikes”—you need an umpire.
“When two people are free to disagree, they are free to love. When they are not free, they live in fear, and love dies: “Perfect love drives out fear” (1 John 4:18).” Dr. Henry Cloud, Boundaries in Marriage.
Finally, I do believe in Covenant Marriage. And I believe in the reality of the human condition. Both are in play and need to be honored, confessed, and restored.
Phil Hardin works as a Licensed Professional Counselor and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with Hardin Life Resources practicing in both Jackson, MS and Fairhope, AL. Phil’s heart is for men to personally experience God’s redemptive plan through sharing their story with a community committed to whole, authentic living. Check out Men’s Coaching Weekends to learn more.
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