How to Feel Secure Through The Journey With Cancer
This life changing event is more than a diagnosis. Learn how to process its effects and come out stronger on the other side.
By Guest Contributor Lisa Donohue, CLC
Walking through my childhood neighborhood, memories of the 4-block journey (which felt like miles) to the elementary school, came flooding back. Although Bryant Elementary no longer rules the corner of 5th and Cedar Street, the memories haven’t been demolished. As third graders we walked the neighborhood and learned about the Ginkgo tree from Mrs. Kemmerer and every spring we wove ribbons around the Maypole creating a community braid of spring colors. Most winters there was an adventurous, curious child who got their tongue stuck to the frozen handrail. Yep, I was that kid.
Jungle gyms, racetracks, swings, and slides littered the playground. Most recesses found someone in need of being picked up due the challenge of skipping a monkey bar as they swinged from bar to bar. But try we did…until our grip left us dangling, wore out, then falling to the pebbled ground.
Life can be like that.
We hold tightly to the grip of faith, while yet retaining a persistent grip to that which seems to provide equal security. And though it keeps us in an exposed position, letting go of one to securely attach to the other, requires courage, strength, faith, and hope.
In reflection, I see more clearly how often I’ve clung to two bars, not willing (even scared) to keep my eyes on either very long. A season of cancer provided one of those adventures. If it weren’t for the kindness of the Spirit working ahead of the diagnosis, surely, I wouldn’t have recognized that I was divided and what the cost of that division would be if my eyes weren’t looking straight up.
But oh my…letting go of control, unable to manage the fear I saw in my husband, children, family, and friends felt like falling into a pit of cliffs, not pebbles. There were initially no answers, only waiting for test after test after test.
To what do we cling?
My detachment from (perceived) control of earthly things left me two options; I reach for answers from the world, hoping to find peace in those answers. Or I reach for Christ, leaning in for a tighter grip, trusting that ultimately, he knows my heart, he knows my people, he even knows the outcome, and that he is good. There I found rest not in searching the web but trusting the wisdom of doctors; not pacing the floor, but asking God all the hard questions, then listening for his answers. Being securely attached didn’t remove the trial but allowed for risk, challenge, imperfection, joy and pain without losing hope. And trust empowered me to leave both hands reaching in the same direction, shoulders aligned with my sight, eyes fully fixed on Christ.
What I hope this offers to those with a life-changing diagnosis is the awareness that a diagnosis is a medical condition which addresses a physical circumstance. While it’s simple to say ‘cancer is the problem’ in our head we know that cancer is a medical diagnosis, to be addressed by the professionals in the medical community. In that way, we can “let go” of being a doctor to the doctor.
The greater hurdle is often internal. With a diagnosis one experiences a deep inhale with few places to safely exhale, if ever. It’s unexpected. It’s life changing. While a million questions loom, we find our souls void of peace.
From a counseling perspective, this life changing event is more than a diagnosis, it’s an emotional trauma which can’t be healed medically. This trauma, which not only affects the diagnosed, but their loved one’s as well, demands unique emotional, relational, and spiritual healing. Yet each of these, significant in their own way, can’t even be addressed until physical needs are met.
How can you, as the diagnosed and/or loved ones, address your physical needs, SO THAT there is freedom to swing both hands and heart, with courage, to the same bar of hope?
(Note: This is not medical advice, not comprehensive, but a beginning and life-giving for the moment)
Lean into the 3 C’s:
Care for yourself.
Sleep and rest will be an incredible healing agent, therefore take note of every commitment that may/may not be critical, and just for this season, saying no to more than you say yes. Overcommitment will simply add stress, robbing you the opportunity to be still.
To empower your sleep, leave a journal by your bed and make it a practice to write as often as possible each evening. This might include questions, thoughts, concerns, praises, or sadness’s. Why journal as a sleep-aid? Journaling forces your mind to exist the rumination treadmill. Bonus writing: reflect and write any sign of God’s provision each day. This accomplishes two things… reroutes normal negative thinking and brings its own peace to your soul. Journaling will propel sleep and a good night’s sleep changes everything.
Drink a lot of water. Water cleans out the toxins while providing your brain and body functionality. (You can apply that spiritually as well as physically.) Don’t love water? Try adding fresh squeezed lemon or lime for added flavor and nutrition.
Go for a walk, preferably outside if possible (but treadmills are good, too.) The rhythm of movement, the visual signs of life and greenery, the opprotunity to engage people in your neighborhood, and the stirring of your heart/mind/soul will also propel your healing.
Communicate with Care.
If you’re rooted in the community and/or church, you will receive texts, calls, emails…not only from your family, but friends and from the medical community. To limit your ongoing communication, consider asking a friend to relay the information after each appointment. This could be via group text, email, or a caring bridge update. Give yourself freedom to not respond immediately to every, single, text. The people who know you intimately will know you’ve received it and understand that perhaps you’re overwhelmed with the amount of communication intake you’re processing daily.
Lastly, always have a notebook near, but especially at each appointment to take notes, journal questions. Communicating well with your physician will eliminate much doubt or second guessing after each appointment.
The Caring vs the Curious.
Whether it’s cancer or any life changing diagnosis, people will be drawn to your story. Curiosity is natural, but not always helpful. Curious people will ask, “How are you doing?” Unintentionally, this brings the trauma to the forefront where the diagnosed will then be left to find a way to tuck it away again. To keep from reliving the trauma each time someone asks, provide a rote response, then turn the attention back to them. For example, “It’s been a challenging week, and I’m looking forward to some rest this weekend. Tell me about your week.”
Caring people will pray, offer texts without need of reply, and with your permission, set up meal plans, deliver meals, ask which day they can drive you to an appointment, cry with you, take notes for you, walk with you, water your flowers, clean your house, help with finances, line up childcare, etc.
Just as one heals from the scrapes and bumps of a playground, it takes time to comprehend the scope of each diagnosis and to heal. And while this is in no way comprehensive, it creates boundaries so that the emotional, relational, and spiritual needs can be addressed. Thankfully, the counseling world is being equipped to hear the diagnosed as one who isn’t just struggling physically, but with a deep trauma.
If you’re looking for a life coach with a heart and mind equipped for the diagnosed, seek for the one entitled, Hope Coach, as accredited by the AACC. I guess I’m still just an adventurous, curious, child at heart, wondering what the Lord can do with the unexpected as my office doors continue to be opened in that way.
A man’s spirit will endure sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear.
Proverbs 18:14
For further encouragement in the Scriptures, read 2 Kings. God can do amazing things in the face of a ferocious enemy.
Lisa Donohue is a Master-Board Certified Life Coach, Mental Health Coach and credentialed in Hope Coaching, Stress Management, Grief and Loss, and approved Christian Care Connect Life Coach (AACC.) Also, Grace-Focused Life Coach certified by Dr. Kenneth Jones. Learn more here.