Imagine If Your Relationship with That Person Could Be Healed

The true story of what can happen when we take a risk in our relationships.

By Audrey Hardin, MS LPC

I will never forget this story as God used it to remind me that even as a therapist with therapist parents, we don’t have it figured out, old patterns can be healed, and God truly gives us far beyond what we can ask for or imagine when we put our hope in him.

It was the last day on the beach, and through a series of reflections, podcasts, and conversations I began to see difficult parts of my story through a heavenly lens. Instead of seeing God withholding good things from me in my suffering, I began to see his hand of protection throughout. He was protecting me all along.

I walked over to share some of these profound realizations with my dad and after listening, he popped off with a snarky dig that really cut me to my core. It was rude and inappropriate! So, I looked at him, said some expletives and walked off as I burst into tears.

I found myself sitting in my chair, crying, and expressing gratitude to the Lord for being my witness, advocate, and defender. I remember acknowledging that even though I knew my dad would never apologize, I felt seen and safe because my heavenly Father knew what I went through, and that was enough.

I knew Dad would never apologize because… well, history. Because of past experiences I knew He’d blow it off to my bad timing or taking things too seriously or being too sensitive. Or he’d just make another joke and in fewer words, tell me to move on.

Just as these thoughts were rolling around in my mind, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I look up, still with tears in my eyes and to my SHOCK, it’s my dad!

            “I’m so sorry, baby. I am so very sorry. I did to you what Pappaw did to me. I am just so sorry. I can’t believe I did that. Please forgive me.”

It was such a powerful moment of seeing generational sin stopped in its tracks. My dad made the connection between his past hurts with his dad and our present relationship. He put himself aside and walked towards me to take ownership and apologize for how he hurt me.

I know this would’ve never happened apart from God! I am still blown away.

I love my dad, but in that moment he was a jerk, I called it out [boldly] not expecting any resolution, but God brought conviction and sorrow that led to his repentance and reconciliation.

It was so helpful for me to see what happens when I get honest instead of walking on eggshells and absorbing other people’s junk and leave the rest in God’s hands. It was so healing for me!

But wait! There’s more!

I later found my dad sitting by himself on the balcony, sulking in shame…still in disbelief that he did the very same thing his dad did to him. His dad was a good dad. A faithful and kind provider for his family, but he was also broken (as we all are). Many times when my dad shared something meaningful with his dad, his dad -out of his own discomfort, would crack a joke or make fun of him. It broke his spirit every time.

I asked him, “Are you grieving for ‘Little Phil’ or are you beating him up with shame?”

“Stuck in shame,” he replied.

I see my dad get stuck in this loop often. Unforgiveness and shame, as if to keep blaming his 12-year old self for his dad’s sarcastic, hurtful responses anytime he shared something significant or vulnerable.

Dad told me how much he hated what he did, and I told him, “If you keep beating yourself up about it, it will happen again.”

The only way we break a pattern is by allowing our grief (anger and sadness) to finally come to the surface and fully “complete” so the original wound actually heals. Shame just keeps ripping the scab off.

My dad knows he is not Pappaw —his dad.  But knowledge does not prevent us from repeating hurtful behavior patterns in our present.

We must engage the pain, honor the loss, and love on the little boy who still believes that the rejection and ridicule was his fault.  

That day, I saw my dad take steps towards breaking a pattern of generational sin and a loop of shame that has plagued him most of his adult life. I hope he continues to have conversations of grief, validation, and nurture with his younger self.

I truly never saw this moment coming –and I can’t even say I imagined it to be possible! But from this point forward, you can be sure I will be asking and praying, “What If?!...” I invite you to do the same.

What if, you stepped up and got honest to speak the truth in a relationship?

What if you broke a pattern of behavior that has plagued you your whole life?

What if you took ownership for hurt you’ve caused in a relationship?

What if you offered yourself compassion instead of judgment and shame?

What if you allowed yourself to grieve your pain instead of beating yourself up for it? 

What if you took responsibility for your growth and started with forgiveness, today? 

What if you took a step towards any one of these, today?

What if?...

Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

Matthew 19:26

Audrey Hardin is a Therapist, Speaker, and Workshop Leader at Hardin Life Resources in Dallas and McKinney, TX.

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