How to Build Lasting Connection With Your Kids This Summer
“Work smarter, not harder: Learn new ways to become a student of your child and deepen the relationship.”
By Guest Contributor, Emily Patterson, LICSW-S
As schools are finishing up for the academic year, those of us who are in the parenting season of life are transitioning into a (hopefully) slower pace with our children for the next few weeks of summer. We want to dedicate more time for playtime and games instead of homework, and trips to the pool or beach instead of the seemingly never-ending sports practices.
But after my last week of sitting in therapy sessions with parents who feel burned out, hopeless, and at their wits’ end, I realized that the hopes of summer family fun are easier said than done. A wise young mom that I sat with recently shared that she’s set a goal of becoming a student of her young son in hopes of better connecting to his needs, feelings, and behaviors. Those of us who work with children and adolescents often share the three key ingredients for building better connection:
3 key ingredients for building better connection:
1) Connection Before Correction
When deescalating a child who is upset or dealing with a big emotional reaction, the first step will always be to let them know that you see and understand what they’re experiencing. When we connect to the feeling and let the child feel seen and heard, they will be more open to listening to our guidance.
Example: “I know you’re angry right now that I won’t give you another cookie. I love you and I don’t want your tummy to hurt, so the answer is still ‘no.’”
2) Reflect Their Feelings
Observing your child’s facial expressions and body language to make an educated guess about their emotions, and then stating that observation aloud to them.
Example: “You’re feeling disappointed and frustrated right now because the rain spoiled our pool time.”
3) Focus on Encouragement
Praise refers to statements that are evaluative and offer judgement, but also can provoke anxiety and a need to perform (i.e.- “good job!” Or “great work!”). “Encouragement” are statements based on facts and provide feedback that leads to self-motivation. If we want kids to feel positively about themselves, try to find opportunities to comment on their progress, effort, independence, contributions and assets.
Example: “Last summer you were scared to jump in the deep end, and today you jumped in there three times!” “I can tell you put a lot of thought into the colors you chose for that drawing.” “You asked me for help with fixing that toy, but then you figured it out all on your own!” “I love the way you make sure your little brother feels included when we play.”
While you’ve got more flexibility with time this summer, I encourage you to take some time to be students of your children through some dedicated “special playtime” with them.
Here’s a great recipe for this playtime using Child-Centered Play Therapy principles:
Set aside 30 minutes for “special playtime.”
The parent’s major task is to observe your child’s play, empathize with the child, strive to understand their thoughts and feelings, and communicate this understanding to them.
Notice themes such as power/aggression, mastering skills, safety (danger/protection), relationships, nurturance and family, death/loss/grieving, exploration, and control. These are all themes that children (and us adults!) are learning to understand and express in healthy ways. Take care to ONLY NOTICE silently to yourself… no need to comment positively or negatively or take the opportunity to teach or preach during this special playtime.
Here is a list of Do’s and Don’ts for the Special Play Session:
DON’Ts
1) Don’t criticize any behavior. (See guidelines for limit setting below)
2) Don’t praise the child.
3) Don’t ask leading questions.
4) Don’t allow interruptions of the session.
5) Don’t offer information or teach.
6) Don’t preach.
7) Don’t initiate new activities.
8) Don’t be passive or quiet.
DOs:
1) Do set the stage.
Display the toys ahead of time and verbally convey the freedom of the special playtime.
“This is our special play time, and you can play with the toys in most of the ways you would like to.”
That can be whatever you want it to be…. You can decide…. It can be any color you want it to be.”
2) Do let the child lead.
“Show me what you want me to do.”
(Whisper technique) “What should I say? Do you have something in mind?”
3) Do track the child’s play.
“You’re putting that right on top of that one.”
“You have all those lined up in a row.”
“You colored that all one color.”
4) Do reflect the child’s feelings.
“You’re proud of your picture.”
“You really like the way that feels on your hands.”
“You’re angry about that.”
5) Do set firm and consistent limits.
“You would like to paint the table, but the table is not for painting on. The paper is for painting on.”
6) Do salute the child’s power and encourage effort.
“You figured that out.”
“You worked hard on that.”
“You know just what you want that to be.”
7) Do join in the play as a follower.
“You want me to be the father.”
“So I’m supposed to be the teacher.”
“You want me to stack these just as high as yours.”
8) Do be verbally active.
A few more basic guidelines:
Encourage your child to use the bathroom prior to the play session, set your phone aside, and don’t answer the door during the special playtime. This conveys the importance of the playtime to the child and communicates that the child is special.
Begin the session by telling your child, “This is our special playtime for 30 minutes. You can play with the toys in most of ways that you would like to” and let the child lead from this point.
Play actively with the child if the child requests your participation.
Set limits on behaviors that make you feel uncomfortable.
Avoid identifying toys by name, because this can stifle the child’s expression and creativity—instead, refer to the toys as “it,” “that,” “her,” or “him.”
Use the ACT Model of Limit Setting:
A
Acknowledge the child’s feelings, wishes, and wants.
“You are feeling wiggly and want to run and jump.”
“You’re having fun shooting at me with the nerf gun.”
C
Communicate the limit.
“Inside is not for running.”
“Heads and faces are not for shooting at.”
T
Target acceptable alternatives.
“You can stand in place and do jumps as high as you can reach/Jump to catch this teddy bear.”
“Shoot at my tummy/the teddy bear/the ceiling instead.”
I hope you all have a wonderful, PLAYFUL summer learning about one another as you lay the foundation for a lasting connection all year round!
Emily Patterson works as a Licensed Clinical Social Worker Supervisor and Counselor with Joyworks Counseling, LLC in Daphne, AL.
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