MEN: How to Repair your Father Wound Without Your Dad
“The effects of the father wound can impact a man’s self-esteem, relationships and even his motivation in life. Learn steps to heal yours today!"
By Philip K. Hardin, M.A, M.Div. LMFT, LPC
I recently lost my 95-year-old Dad. My sister and I celebrated his life with friends and family. I was grateful as I stood by the graveside that I had no unfinished business with him. Much of the work that I have done in my journey toward maturity has been healing my “father wound.” In many ways, the reason I am a counselor is because of that wound and the work I have needed to complete to be where I am.
However, as much healing as I have experienced, I still have lots of work to do.
I am blessed as the work of healing my “father wound” was done while my father was alive. Letters were written, face-to-face conversations, and time together was part of that healing experience. BUT, for many the wound remains unhealed as men lose their father to death or total emotional cut off. They become orphans with a “father wound.” What do they do with that?
What Is a Father Wound?
“Father wound” is another term for father absenteeism. When a son’s (or daughter’s) father is physically absent, emotionally distant or an abusive, negative, constantly checked out, or overly critical, it can have long-term consequences for the individual.
Fathers are the first reflection of what our Heavenly Father is and therefore, the first to show love, so when they’re unsupportive in any way, it can create a significant wounding to our heart.
Damage Caused by a Father Wound
The effects of the father wound can impact a man’s self-esteem, relationships and even his motivation in life.
I’ve realized in my healing, I needed to grieve the loss even while he was still alive.
The father wound is all about feeling grief and loss. It is about yearning to feel love but instead feeling absence.
It’s the absence of love that makes the wound so profound.
The absence of love doesn’t just come from physical or emotional absence alone. It can come from abuse (physical, emotional, or sexual), substance abuse (alcohol or drugs), excessive lying, cheating/ living a double life, manipulation, or obsessive control.
And no matter how you experience the father wound and this absence of love, it can leave you feeling conflicted.
There are so many questions and confusion that are attached to the wound. There also is a lot of shame, embarrassment, and hiding. It can be very difficult to admit the gravity of the wound and confront it. It is much easier to pretend it doesn’t exist and convince yourself you don’t care.
Honor Your Father?…
It is especially difficult to experience the wound as a Christian because we are taught to honor our father and mother. We are taught to forgive. It can be very confusing to know how to navigate a relationship with our father or what is okay and not okay to feel.
Many men have told me in so many different words that they have felt ashamed for many years because they have been angry with their father. They believe they are supposed to honor him and forgive him but feel conflicted because they have so much resentment.
I know this feeling well and I understand the conflict in these sentiments. Most men are earnestly seeking to have a healthy relationship with their fathers and heal their wound so they can experience more joy and peace. We all want to be free from pain.
But the reality is the wound exists because there is a deep pain that we cannot get fully free from. At least not in this life.
The pain exists to remind us of what we have experienced with our father and our father’s limitations and imperfections. It reminds us how much we desire a father, a good father, and how much we need a good father.
If the pain wasn’t there, and if we truly were “over it,” we’d be disconnected from the deepest parts of ourselves. We wouldn’t see our need for fatherly, tender, love.
God The Father
As Christians, that yearning for fatherly tender love brings us closer to God the Father.
And sometimes our woundedness blocks us from drawing closer to God the Father. We tend to retreat from God, or any person that shows us something that is very different from the kind of “love” we are used to.
In my own life, it took me many years to have a relationship with God the Father. It was easy for me to believe in Jesus and draw closer to a human savior, but a divine Father who desired a relationship with me seemed unattainable. When I thought about God as being a Loving Father, I couldn’t help but think of him more as distant, silent, uninterested, or absent.
The feeling of distrust is far too common when experiencing the father wound. It is difficult to trust that God or just about anyone has your best interest in mind. This mistrust leaves us with the tendency to grasp for control and since life is mostly out of our control, we tend to be anxious about many things.
We might also discover that we tend to push people away when they get too close or chase them to make sure they stay close. We might even discover that we tend to be very insecure in relationships and have difficulty trusting in our own selves.
The fear of loss and the absence of love is always at the root.
Here are 6 Steps to begin healing a father-wound without your dad:
1. Acknowledge and Uncover The Wound.
You cannot heal without acknowledging the hurt. Stop burying it and telling yourself that it doesn’t matter because it’s in the past and “I can’t change it.” True, you may not be able to change your dad, but you can change how you respond to your hurts and losses and the relationships you are in now that suffer from your lack of healing. Remember, nothing can heal when we keep it covered up.
2. Validate the Feelings.
The healing is in the feelings. To validate the feelings looks like allowing ourselves to feel whatever emotions come from the father wound- anger, fear, mistrust, frustration, shame, etc. We must remind ourselves that it makes sense why we feel this way and that it is okay that we feel this way. There is no wrong or bad emotion.
3. Imagination: Imagine a Good Father.
Imagining what a “good father” would say and do, and then trying to live our life accordingly in all our relationships can help heal. Sometimes we forget that we have the power to offer ourselves the things we so desperately desire.
4. Grieve the Loss
Grieving the loss of your father looks like allowing ourselves to sit with the different experiences of grief- anger, sadness/ depression, denial, bargaining, and acceptance over time. Time is the active ingredient –so don’t rush it. Consider inviting safe community and a therapist along on the journey.
5. Take the Wound to our Heavenly Father.
Taking the wound to our Heavenly Father: looks like first examining if we have any projections of our earthly father onto our Heavenly Father. Then we need to be consciously aware of how the wound impacts us as we pray and seek to honor Him.
6. Forgive your father.
And we must be willing to forgive. Forgiveness isn’t about forgetting about the pain your father has caused, but it’s about letting go of the resentment or frustration that steals your freedom and peace.
[LINK] To forgiveness exercise on our website!
BOTTOM LINE:
Be committed to facing your father wound and its pervasive impact. Be willing to process it as often as needed because it is the key to living in freedom and knowing your Heavenly Father as He truly is!
“Father to the fatherless, defender of widows—
this is God, whose dwelling is holy.”
Psalm 68:5
Ride ON!
-Phil
Phil Hardin works as a Licensed Professional Counselor and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with Hardin Life Resources practicing in both Jackson, MS and Fairhope, AL. Phil’s heart is for men to personally experience God’s redemptive plan through sharing their story with a community committed to whole, authentic living. Check out Men’s Coaching Weekends to learn more.
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