How to Have The Conversation When You Have Outgrown The Family Code
Growing up requires that we leave the childhood roles behind. Learn how!
By Karla Hardin, MS LPC
Most of us never think about our “family code”. We have never taken a “Birdseye” view of our family and how everyone fits in.
Family Code as defined by Abigail Hardin is:
It’s a habitual behavior or a role each person takes on to keep the peace, or really to create predictability in the family dynamics.
So, often you will find some common roles in a family. Some of the classics are: the funny one, the helpful one, the achieving one, the problem child, the hero child, and of course the “favorite” of the parents.
What most people don’t realize is that most of these roles were formed to keep the family stable and moving forward. For example, if mom was prone to depression, the funny one helped by lightening her mood and the helpful one kept the household duties from getting overwhelming for mom.
Oftentimes, predictable role that shows up in the family where the marriage is struggling, is the problem child who actually helps stabilize the family by giving mom and dad something to unite over when they are distant and disconnected.
The favorite child is not as wonderful as it might seem in the family dynamics as there is an unspoken expectation that they must always be meeting the emotional needs of the parents or performing in every way to make them proud.
So, what do you do when you want to change the role you played in childhood now as an adult?
It’s tricky.
Just because you want to change doesn’t mean anyone else wants you to change.
Everyone has grown accustomed to their roles and the needs they get met by staying there. If the favorite child quit performing, mom or dad could no longer vicariously live through them. If the problem child quit being a problem, mom and dad might have to face the disconnect in their relationship and that could be overwhelming. Not to mention the other siblings have depended on your predictable role in the family!
In other words, when you change your role in the family code, it inadvertently forces change in the entire family system.
So, before you take on the challenge of changing your role in the family system you need to recognize a few things.
1. It will create more drama…
initially within the whole family and you need to be prepared to “ride the wave”. If you aren’t prepared for this, you will most likely cave to the pressure of going back to the predictable role everyone is used to you playing.
2. There is no guarantee…
that you will eventually see healthy relationships evolve because of you changing. It is possible though. But don’t expect it.
3. Consistency…
is the only way you will finally leave the childhood role you have played behind. In other words, one conversation with everyone is not going to do it. You will have to calmly keep repeating yourself and setting and enforcing new boundaries.
With those things in mind, I want to give you a basic script for initiating the change you want in your family role.
A few guidelines to remember:
Talk in first person. (Don’t start with you..)
Communicate your love for the other person.
Don’t make accusing or judging statements.
Tell specific ways you will act or behave differently.
Don’t get defensive.
Keep conversation short and to the point so it doesn’t become redundant.
SAMPLE SCRIPT
“I’ve realized some things about myself and the role I have played in our family that I need to change. It started young and it was my way of trying to reduce conflict and keep our family happy. I saw myself as the “helpful” one and as a result, I rarely said “no” to you or anyone. Now as an adult, I have neglected myself and I am worn out.
So, I am working on changing that and simply wanted to let you know that I am going to be more realistic before I agree to do something and you may be hearing “No, I can’t do that.” I want you to know I love you the same so don’t doubt it when I say “No.”
Thanks so much for hearing me out! I want to be the best version of me, and this is where I need to start!”
Of course, you fill in your role and examples of how it has hurt you and the specific ways you will change. But the key thing to notice is that this is not the place you point out all what they have done to hurt you or contribute as to why you got in this role in the first place.
The reason you don’t do that in this conversation is that it would “muddy the water” by pointing out their role. There is an appropriate time and place for that kind of conversation, but it is not with this conversation.
Last thing. Is this all worth it? Ruffling the family system and codes?
Answer: YES.
Galatians 6 among many passages, talks about correct roles and the importance of this because when we are overly doing one role it will not only overwork us - but it will rob the other people of growing in their responsibility of their own lives.
Breaking the family code can be the most life-giving and loving act you do for yourself and your family!
To hear the Hardin’s address relevant topics like this one, click here and subscribe to our Youtube Channel
Karla Hardin is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Trauma Specialist for Hardin Life Resources
Click below to SHARE with a friend: