What to Do When You Discover Your Relationship is Toxic

By Audrey Hardin, MS LPC

As a continuation of last week’s blog, “How To Know If You’re in A Toxic Relationship,” I want to provide you with a guide on where to go from here.

When we discover our relationship with a loved one, whether a friend, partner, or family member is littered with toxic dynamics, something really powerful begins to happen…

We realize that we have a choice!

Instead of feeling stuck, exhausted, and anxious, we can take an objective look at the relationship and simply say, this is not healthy …for anyone.

As we mentioned in our discussion of this topic here, many Christians can tend to over-spiritualize staying in these toxic relationships under the guise of “honoring God” but to love someone well, we must be filled with both grace and truth by saying no to evil, not excusing it. Evil or sinful behavior comes in many forms, but in toxic dynamics most often it creeps up by someone using his or her voice and emotions in a self-serving, hurtful, or even harmful way –to manipulate your actions and feelings to get what they want.

There is a difference between dying to self and losing yourself.

God never requires that we lose who we are, for he created us in his image uniquely for his purposes. He wants us to use the gifts and strengths he gave us, to serve Him and others - not ourselves. Therefore, we must respect our God-given value and expect respect in return.

3 DO’S IN A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP

1. Share the Facts

Speak into the toxic relationship by addressing it with the other party directly. This is our only hope for real change.

“As I’ve taken inventory of our relationship, I’ve realized that we have some cycles we get stuck in that are not serving either one of us. If you’re open, I’d like to share them with you in hopes that we can take steps toward change.”

Proceed to share how it feels for you to be in relationship with this person:

“I know that you care about me and I care about you too, so I’m not sure you even fully realize how your words can come across, which is why I want to share my experience. …The biggest thing for me in our relationship is that I don’t feel free to be me…I’m walking on eggshells, etc. …I feel this when -(share specific examples).”

2. Accept Responsibility for Your Part and Wait for the Response

It takes two to tango in a relationship, so it is important for you to take ownership for your part in the dynamic, even if it’s as simple as not ever saying “no”.

“I never say ‘no’ to you when I don’t want to do something or go somewhere, which has communicated that I agree with you or that your opinion matters more than mine. I want a relationship as Proverbs 19:19 mentioned “iron sharpening iron” and I cannot do this without using my voice with strength.

After accepting the responsibility for your part, wait for the other person to process the information and either take responsibility or deny any.

This can be a hard step for many of us as we want to jump in and rescue the person from the potentially hurtful truth we have uttered or take it all back.

Take a deep breath and wait. The response will give you the answer you need to take the next step. If he or she shares responsibility, proceed to step 3. If not, you can discuss ending or dialing back on your investment in the relationship.

It might be timely to consider Jesus’ words in Matthew here as he warns, “do not cast your pearls before swine…”

3. Begin the Healing and Restoration Process

For a toxic dynamic to be truly transformed, both parties must seek to heal and grow individually as well as together. Depending on the nature of the relationship (marriage vs. friendship/family) this change will look different.

I personally recommend educating yourself on what healthy relationships look like. My personal favorites: The Bible, Safe People, Compelled to Control, and Boundaries. When it comes to changing a toxic dynamic, I always believe counseling and workshops are necessary to identify the unhealthy patterns and teach you what “healthy” looks like, with clear steps on how to get there. Learn more here.

Compassion, curiosity, and time are three guideposts you will need for yourself and the other person on this healing journey.

To elicit curiosity, consider curiously investigating the motivations behind the behaviors (both yours and theirs) instead of criticizing, which keeps us stuck.

To elicit compassion, consider taking a step back and looking at the potential motivators behind the behaviors; usually this looks like FEAR…fear of abandonment, failure, fraud, and feeling powerless which stems from early childhood experiences.

Time is the ultimate revealer of truth. How will we know if we can trust the other’s words that he or she will do the work to change? We patiently wait for their actions to match. When working with clients, we identify a 90-day growth period and re-evaluate after that.

“Let us no longer love one another with words and speech, but with action and truth.” 1 John 3:18

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Audrey Hardin is a Therapist, Speaker, and Workshop Leader at Hardin Life Resources in Dallas and McKinney, TX.

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