Are You Hungry for Connection?

By Philip K. Hardin, MA, MDiv, LMFT, LPC

Last night, Karla and I enjoyed attending a Mardi Gras Ball. Dear friends invited us, and we went, dressed appropriately for the venue, and engaged in an experience of connection and joy. We danced! We laughed! We enjoyed seeing our friends crowned as King and Queen of the Ball. We made new friends. And, at the end of the night, we were closer, felt seen, and acknowledged our love for one another – A SPECIAL NIGHT!

God has made us for relationship. As a result of the last two years though, we’ve missed out on opportunities for new relationships and the majority of us have not known how to deepen the connections with the people we do have in our lives…leaving us all a bit hungry.

We all long to be seen, to be known, to be loved.

Our brain begins its development by a two-way bond which involves eye-to-eye contact with our caregivers. This eye contact, along with nurturing touch and attunement, activates important areas in our brains that will be the foundation upon which all our relationships will rest.

This beginning connection helps create a state of belongingness, safety, and value that can only be created by direct facial contact with one other person at a time. In other words, we need eye contact – not only to establish meaningful relationships, but also to maintain them!

MADE FOR EMOTIONAL CONNECTION

An emotional connection is a bond, a link or tie to something or someone. Our emotions are to relationships what calcium is to bone. Without calcium, bones become brittle and break. In relationships, emotions form the bonding agent that hold things together.

A couple that meets and delves into learning as much about each other as possible creates an emotional connection. Through thoughtful and caring communication, we learn the intricacies of the other – like what makes happy, angry or brings them to their knees in joyful celebration.

We also learn what brings them to tears, what causes them to smile, and what scares them. When we learn the essence of the other, we can begin to feel compassion and empathy by sharing the emotions attached to who they are. This is the “sticky stuff” that makes incredible relationships.

It is the power of WE that is facilitated by an emotional connection that gives us life, both literally and figuratively.

According to Susan Johnson in the article “In the Name of Love” (Psychology Today Magazine), “We fall in love when a strong attachment bond is formed. We stay in love by maintaining the bond.”

An emotional connection is necessary if any relationship is to survive and thrive through the challenges of life.

Losing emotional connection will create a crisis and chaos.

HOW TO ESTABLISH AN EMOTIONAL CONNECTION

If you want to experience the closeness and intimacy, as God intended, learn how to establish a strong emotional connection. I offer 5 suggestions.

1. Eye Contact

Eye contact is the act of looking into someone’s eyes for an extended amount of time. It’s a powerful, intimate practice that can help you become closer to another person.

After all, eyes are the most expressive facial features. They can communicate a range of social cues and emotions, which can influence your social interactions.

There are many ways to do healing eye contact. Here’s one method:

Sit in a comfortable position and face the other person. If your marriage partner, you may want to hold hands or even touch each other if you’d like.
Set a timer for your desired amount of time (begin with one minute). Look into the other’s eyes.
Breathe deeply and allow yourself to blink. Keep your gaze soft and try not to look away. Communicate “WELCOME” to the other with your eyes.
Break your gaze when the timer goes off.

The goal of this exercise is to connect your energies without speaking.

2. Build Trust

Trust is built through this formula: Words + Actions + Time.

Words – what you say is important. How you say what you say is just as important as what you say.

Actions – how your behavior is consistent with your words demonstrates character that can be trusted.

Time – as your words and behavior are consistently practiced, trust increases.

Understand what you want and need from life. This requires self-awareness which is foundational to forming good relationships.

Ask the question to the other person: “What do you want?” “What is your desire?” Pay close attention to the other. You must be emotionally available to the other. Be present. Listen well. Feel your way through the conversation.

3. Show Care for the Other

Kindness, gentleness, and curiosity is key to connection. Remember: “No one cares what you think, until they think you care.”

4. Learn to Be Self-controlled in your Communication

All blame and criticism must stop. Develop the skill to express what you want without anger, blame, or criticism. The tone of good communication is “matter of fact.” Self-control is essential. Be response-able, not reactive.

5. Grow in Empathy

See the World through the Other’s Eyes

Empathy is seeing the world through the other’s eyes. Seek to see the world as the other does to discover who they really are. This means stepping back at times to envision why they behave in certain ways.

Remember: all behavior has a reason, even bad behavior.

Be curious. Seek to understand. Observe how certain situations trigger a reaction and try to imagine being in their shoes. Being willing to explore what is behind the reaction and seek to validate them will offer growth to the relationship.

IN SUMMARY:

We are made for relationship. God has designed us for connection., first with Himself and then one another. Hence the verse, “It is not good for man to be alone.” When there is no emotional connection, we experience deprivation, and we hunger for connection. We can’t thrive without it.

Hope you will practice the guidelines and will experience a greater emotional connection. Enjoy the dance!

Ride ON!

Phil

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Phil Hardin works as a Licensed Professional Counselor and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with Hardin Life Resources practicing in both Jackson, MS and Fairhope, AL.

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