How To Know If You’re in A Toxic Relationship

By Audrey Hardin, MS LPC

We’ve all heard the term “toxic” thrown around in reference to a person or situation, but what does it really mean when it comes to your relationships?

Many people can be in a toxic relationship with a friend, family member, or partner and not even know it. Perhaps it was gradual at first or perhaps it’s simply familiar…all you’ve ever known.

Early in my life, I found myself in a series of toxic relationships. It wasn’t until people outside of the relationship began pointing out my exhaustion, polarizing emotions (low lows and high highs), and overall unfruitfulness that my eyes became more open to see the truth.

Certainly no one enjoys feeling exhausted all the time. But if you’re like me, the thought of addressing the toxic relationship directly can feel daunting, requiring more energy than you feel you have to give.

Thus, I found myself hanging on longer, hoping the change would happen organically (or with conviction of the Holy Spirit) or perhaps that it would just stop bothering me. Maybe you’re different, but for me, that day never came, and the conviction of the Holy Spirit was happening in my heart, not theirs.

As Christians, we are called to love one another –full of grace AND full of TRUTH (John 1). We cannot grow or encourage others to grow without both present.

The first step to any kind of change is self-awareness and for that, we need curiosity. Curiosity allows us to ask questions to consider what is true without any judgment.

So, “get curious” as you consider these 7 traits of a toxic relationship:

1. You don’t feel the freedom to be fully yourself.

You may hide certain parts of you to please or appease the other person, such as your humor or creativity.. maybe your love for time alone or desire to be with people outside of the relationship.

2. You find yourself making excuses for the other person’s behavior (either to yourself or others).

3. During a conflict, you absorb more than your part because the other person refuses to take ownership for their own offense (sin).

When the only way to maintain the relationship with the other person after a conflict or disagreement is to dismiss your own hurt and act like everything is fine, it creates a toxic dynamic that, over time, will lead to resentment and bitterness.

4. You do the “eggshell dance”.

You think that if you told the truth about your partner or friend’s actions, they wouldn’t be able to handle it or would get angry and leave. This dance leaves you feeling constantly drained, anxious, and unhappy.

5. There’s little to no “fruit”.

Relationships are to be mutually beneficial as both parties seek to grow individually and encourage one another to be all God created them to be. Without this mutuality, the relationship becomes one-sided and stagnant.

6. There is no consistent respect for your boundaries.

When you set a limit or boundary with the other person, he or she reacts strongly against it, takes it personally, or acts like they will respect the boundary in the moment, but completely disregards it later.

7. Lack of self-care

In a toxic relationship, you might let go of your usual self-care habits by neglecting your health, sacrificing your free time, and withdrawing from hobbies you once loved.

This might happen because you don’t have the energy for these activities or because your partner, friend, or family member disapproves when you do your own thing.

Why is it helpful to determine if your relationship is toxic?

Ultimately a toxic relationship keeps you from being FREE to be and become all God created you to be, using your gifts to serve Him and others who will value you, your time and sacrifice.

It also is a poor witness of what trustworthy, God-honoring relationships look like to others, leaving the body of Christ looking less than desirable.

Begin getting curious today and stay tuned for next week’s blog –“What to do when you discover your relationship is toxic.”

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Audrey Hardin is a Therapist, Speaker, and Workshop Leader at Hardin Life Resources in Dallas and McKinney, TX.

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