How Forgiveness Changed My Life

By Audrey Hardin, MS LPC

As I reflect on 2021, it could be summed up by the verse Joel 2:25, when God sent plagues to the people of Judah for choosing their own way over him, He also said to them, “I will restore back to you the years that the locusts ate away” …providing redemption and restoration to an undeserving people.

God used many different avenues to heal my heart and bring me back to life, but one of the greatest tools he used was inviting me to forgive.

Even as I write the word forgiveness, I’m overcome with emotion both for what I’ve been forgiven of –by a perfect, loving, and gracious God, but also what I’ve been forgiven for…

…He forgives us so that we might forgive others. Ephesians 4:32

I had no idea forgiveness was such a big deal when walking in relationship with God and people –but believe me it is. Unforgiveness keeps us stuck, wreaking havoc on every part of our life and God’s original design for living (in close relationship with Him and others).

When we don’t forgive, it results in the following:

We become stuck in bitterness and resentment. —Two weights that I discovered far outweighed the pain that struck me to begin with.
We become fake. —When we walk with God, nowhere in scripture does it say, “fake it ‘til you make it.” He invites us to walk in authenticity…not pretending that we’ve moved on or are “fine” when we really aren’t.
We shrink our worlds small enough to feel like we are in control. —We stop taking risks on meeting new people, taking leadership positions, or sharing vulnerably with people we used to trust because it feels everyone could hurt us, and we’re not sure we could handle one more hurt.
We get in the driver’s seat of our life and put God in the passenger seat —in an attempt to protect ourselves from any more pain.

Anyone else?

Back in September, I was sitting in the audience at the AACC World Conference when Lysa TerKeurst came on stage to talk about “What to Do When Unchangeable Feels Unforgivable.” She made the distinction that when we’ve been wounded –especially by someone that refuses to fully own what he/she did, apologize, or promise to never do it again, we need to consider forgiveness in two parts:

1. Forgive for the FACT of what happened

2. Forgive for the IMPACT that the injury had –a longer process.

When we confuse forgiveness with saying that what happened no longer matters or that it is now “ok”, we stay stuck in unforgiveness because what happened did matter and it was not ok.

However, Forgiveness is not about the other person but about healing your heart. And God is committed to healing your heart if you allow him to.

In 2022…

You can choose to stop suffering because of what other people have done to you.

Suffering looks different for all of us, but for me, double thinking, anxiety, defensiveness, loneliness, comparison, judgement, distrust, and insecurity were some of the big ones that ate away at my soul.

The good news? Forgiveness is not so much about mustering up my own determination to forgive because I know that’s what God tells me to do, as much as it’s about my cooperation with what God has already provided through Jesus.

“If God’s forgiveness flows to me, I must let it flow through me, so that I don’t carry the heavy weight of unforgiveness.” –Lysa TerKeurst

In the New Year, consider “throwing off every weight that so easily entangles” by starting with forgiveness.

How to start:

1. Acknowledge the wounds.

Make a list of the pain you’ve experienced and if you’re honest, are still carrying.

In Lysa’s book, she noted her counselor encouraged her to use 3x5 cards for each individual pain. Consider both the fact of the hurt and the impact of the hurt (painful emotions, identity issues, relationship strains, triggers etc.)

2. Share your pain with a safe other.

When someone whom we trust, whether a counselor or friend, bears witness to our pain and validates that what happened to you was wrong and should not have happened, it turns on the light switch of hope. It restores dignity and the realization that we don’t need the wounder to acknowledge the hurt he or she caused but just someone who truly cares and gets it.

3. Remind yourself of Truth.

You serve a loving, merciful, and gracious God who sees you as broken but still chosen and worth forgiving.

He enables you to see others as He does –broken, chosen, and worth forgiving.

4. Extend forgiveness and release.

Make the choice to honor God by forgiving for each pain you listed and surrendering the outcome to Him.

This may include forgiving someone, a group of people, God himself, or even receiving God’s forgiveness for something you have done (like taking control of the driver’s seat and walking in self-protection instead of trust).

Example: “I am making the choice to honor God by forgiving this person for the fact that they’ve deeply hurt me, and whatever my feelings will not yet allow for, the blood of Jesus will surely cover it.”

5. Remember it’s a process.

Your feelings will take time to catch up with your decision to forgive. Trust that over time, God will continue to heal your heart and the wound will not only lose its sting but its power over you.

When we forgive, we are truly set free! -not burdened by bitterness, resentment, and fear but set up to be transformed by the work God wants to do in us. When we forgive, we put our whole selves in Jesus’ hands to experience his love and the growth he has for us.

He invites you (and so do I!), to begin the process of forgiveness today and make 2022 the best year yet!

Resources:

1. Consider attending our upcoming Hardwired to Heal Workshop to jumpstart your journey. Click here for more information.

2. Lysa TerKeurst’s book: “Forgiving What You Can’t Forget”

3. “Forgiveness: Making Space for Grace” By Nan Brown Self

4. Splankna Technique for deeper healing through forgiveness (a big help on my own journey and why both Abigail and I are trained in this technique)

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Audrey Hardin is a Therapist, Speaker, and Workshop Leader at Hardin Life Resources in Dallas and McKinney, TX.

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