How to Not Repeat Your Unhealthy Patterns
“In order to heal, we need to treat the source, not the symptom.”
-Abigail Cole Hardin, CLC; PNLP
By Abigail Cole Hardin, CLC; PNLP
Ever find yourself in the same situation? Do you feel like you are learning the same lesson over and over again? Are you stuck like a record player on repeat? Although it seems frustrating, congratulations for simply noticing.
A lot of us do not take the time to look at the patterns within our lives.
We are so used to moving in the motion of the cycle that it becomes our default setting. This can be obvious to others but not so obvious to ourselves.
Some Case Scenarios of Unhealthy Patterns:
Fall in love fast, get married, soon divorce, start dating soon after, fall in love fast…REPEAT.
Partner cheats. Break up. Get back together. Partner cheats…REPEAT.
Lose 10 pounds. Binge eat. Gain 20 pounds. Work out. Lose 10 pounds…REPEAT.
Wake up late. Run late to work. Feel tired. Promise to go to bed early. Scroll on your phone. Try to sleep by 1:00AM. Can’t fully fall asleep. Wake up late…REPEAT.
Wake up with anxiety. Watch the news. Feel more anxious. Try to prepare for the worst situation. Feel like you’re forgetting something. Can’t go to sleep. Scroll through social media. Take a sleeping pill. Wake up with anxiety…REPEAT.
Maybe from the outside looking in, we can easily tell these people with these patterns:
“Don’t fall in love so fast.”
“Stop going back to the cheating partner.”
“Don’t binge eat.”
“Stop scrolling on your phone.”
“Stop watching the news to feed your anxiety.”
And yet, we still repeat our patterns.
We may ask ourselves, “Why? …because it’s not a good quality of life. It’s causing them pain. And it’s so simple what they need to change.”
Wrong. It’s not simple.
A lot of these behaviors or patterns are locked in because people are trying to retrieve what was lost from the past.
As therapist, Christine Langley-Obaugh said, “We repeat what we don’t repair.” Although unhealthy patterns cause pain, they are unfortunately an unproductive attempt to heal.
There is a positive intention to everything, or we would not be motivated to do it. There is a positive intention even being stuck in our unhealthy patterns—it’s safe, predictable, and we can handle the outcome because we have been there before.
Neuroscience validates this positive intention. Our brains do not like change because change causes us to exert energy. The brain does not want to exert energy because it wants to conserve energy for survival and unforeseen threats. That’s why when we are trying to make any change in our lives, we cannot do so when we are in “survival mode.”
“Survival mode” is when we go to our most primitive part of our brain and go to a default setting of fight or flight responses. We recognize in our Hardwired to Heal workshop that there are two additional responses known as freeze and fawn. So, whether you’re in a fight, flight, freeze or fawn response, you’re not going to stop your unhealthy pattern. You are too triggered and your brain is not going to reason your best options.
So, in any recovery or changing a habit, we need to first make sure to not trigger our brains in a survival mode. I learned from the Amen Clinic the acronym, H-A-L-T as a preventative tip.
Don’t get too…
Hungry
Angry
Lonely, or
Tired
…or you will set yourself up for a stress response.
However, if you are already triggered* and in a panic mode, try these ways to first calm your body:
*(For those with anxiety before bed and waking, this can be especially helpful).
1. TAP.
Tap between your eyebrows, then temples, then under eyes, to upper lip to under lip, guessing about six taps for each section (do not get focused on counting). You can also lead these taps with a triggered person and have them look to you as you both tap your own faces.
2. HAVEN.
Caress and sweep over your face starting in between your eyebrows and create a heart shape by rounding over your forehead and come down to your chin as the point. Switch by sweeping your cheeks from nose to temples like a wing shape. Repeat the heart and wing motions for eight minutes. Say out loud a positive state or emotion you would like to feel like “safe, calm, strong, loved.” Repeat your desired words during the full eight minutes of caressing. This technique is called Havening.
3. BREATHE.
If you have calmed yourself enough to get a deep breath into your belly and past your throat, create a “breath box” by inhaling 4 seconds, hold 4 seconds, exhale 4 seconds, hold 4 seconds, and repeat 4 times. Refer to our Instagram @HardinLifeResources where I demonstrate this technique.
In the Hardwired to Heal workshop, we give many other psychosensory techniques to hack your brain to get you back “online” and in your skin to be in a reasonable state versus a survival mode.
NEXT STEPS:
Once you’re in a reasonable state, start to observe your life and notice if there are any patterns. Sometimes we need to ask those closest in our lives to provide feedback.
Once you identify your pattern, reflect what the positive intention may be. What is this pattern promising you? What feels good about this pattern? What triggers this cycle? This is key because this is what continues to motivate you to repeat the behavior.
If you think you may be intending to heal from the past by recreating it, this is when I recommend a counselor or coach to help you go back to repair what you are repeating.
BOTTOM LINE:
In order to heal, we need to treat the source, not the symptom. However, if we are going to uncover the source we need to be of sound mind and not in a survival mode.
Thus, use the three psycho-sensory techniques I shared to calm your body as a way to calm your mind. Then, pause to identify your patterns. Seek the Lord, a trusted friend and a professional to tease out your positive intention for this pattern so you can find a healthy alternative.
These verses encourage me so much when I am facing the unhealthy patterns in my life.
“For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7 KJV).
“No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it” (1 Corinthians 10:13 NIV).
God has the alternative for our unhealthy patterns.
He knows what will fulfill our every need and desire. He also gives us the sound mind and power to change our behaviors, yet lavishes us with His love that changes us from the inside out. Cling to Him. He is never the source of shame. He is always the source of hope.
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Abigail Cole Hardin is a Certified Life Coach and a Neuro-Linguistic Programming Practitioner for Hardin Life Resources
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