What to Do When Your Adult Children No Longer Share Your Values
“There is nothing more painful as a parent than when you see your adult children turning away from the values that you worked so hard to instill.”
By Karla Hardin, MS LPC
By Karla Hardin, MS LPC
There is nothing more painful as a parent than when you see your adult children turning away from the values that you worked so hard to instill. All along we have told ourselves that “they are their own person” – but we never expected that being their own self would lead them away from what we hold so valuable.
I believe as young parents, we all unconsciously are seeking to raise a “mini me” who will excel and even surpass all what we did in every area of their lives. Knowingly and unknowingly, we are trying to mold our children in that direction.
For Christian parents this is on STEROIDS because we believe it is our duty to raise our children to know, trust and walk with God obediently according to the Scriptures. We usually have a clear picture of how that would look as our children grow up.
But the problem is they are their own separate, unique person who one day will not only be making decisions for themselves - but they will also accept the consequences of their choices.
Ps. 139 supports this truth and nowhere does it suggest the formation of a “mini – me”.
But even though we intellectually know this, it is a rude awakening when our adult children no longer share the same views on politics, sex, gender, and religion to name a few!
When children move away from their parents’ values, I have seen 3 poor responses:
REACTIVE, shaming and shunning of the adult child which includes harsh criticism, judgement, and rejection.
PASSIVE “fake” acceptance where the parent outwardly seems to “accept” the new direction the child has taken but inwardly they are distressed and overwhelmed. This incongruity sets them up to have a relationship that seems forced and awkward.
COVERT manipulation is where the parent is determined to change the adult child’s values back by maneuvering the situation – such as withholding money or incentivizing them with things they want.
I believe all three of these responses have a deeper motivation than just recovering lost values.
Beneath these responses lies two issues that must be faced before you can begin to navigate this new dynamic in your relationship and regroup as you move forward.
We as parents must face both the fear and the shame that says, “You screwed up.” Here, is where we believe that we must live with the scarlet letter F for failure as a parent, along with the fear my child will suffer because of their choices and somehow it is my fault.
So,
you must FIRST, before you can move forward in your relationship with your adult child, face and silence the stinging voice of shame!
I have personally gone to three principles from scripture to help me resolve my role in my child’s life:
FIRST, As hard as it is, I have faced that I am truly flawed as a sinful parent and there is no doubt my failures have wounded my children and shaped many of their responses and choices in life. My only comfort is to rest in Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus.”
SECOND, No amount of damage I have done is beyond God’s ability to repair and use in a redemptive way in my child’s life. Romans 8:28
THIRD, Even though I have failed to parent perfectly, I can still be a vessel of love and blessing to my children today. Philippians 3:13
Once you have silenced shame and fear you can objectively begin to navigate the new season of your relationship with your child.
Now, what is to be your new frame of mind going forward with your child?
SEE THEM AS A NEIGHBOR!
That’s right! Why am I saying this? Well, they grow up, become self-sustaining adults, and leave your home (as scripture commands) and start their own homes with their own proverbial yard! And when someone is our neighbor, we automatically embrace several implied realities:
YOUR NEIGHBOR…
1. Deserves your respect of their autonomy.
It is their house, and they can paint it whatever color they want – even though we may feel strongly about what we think the color should be – we know they have the right to choose.
2. Has value as a person.
Period. Since man is created in God’s image, he will forever have value despite his actions.
3. Is always a candidate of grace and mercy.
I always want to see others as deserving the same grace I have received – limitless and free. My neighbor may be “the woman at the well” and I want to care for them as Jesus modeled. [SONG LINK]
4. Can “expect” that you will do “no harm”.
This means that it is never appropriate for you to verbally, emotionally, or physically “harm” them with words or actions.
5. Expects that you both have boundaries that will be honored.
It is appropriate for you and your neighbor to have “fences” where one of you ends and the other begins. Our lives are not communal property.
If we begin to see our adult children as neighbors, we can establish honest and respectful communication while not losing our convictions.
For example, you wouldn’t tell your neighbor they are a slob in their home or that they need to lose ten pounds, go to church, and stop drinking so much. You “not” telling your neighbors these things doesn’t mean you condone them. Rather, you are trusting that your neighbors see your convictions without you criticizing theirs and they smell the fragrant aroma of your life with the hope that it inspires them to live their best life.
FINALLY
—and most importantly, we need the reminder that with our adult children, as everything else in life, we need to let go and let God.
Our most effective way of letting go is through prayer! Life is gray and messy in so many relationships but I believe we can walk through the confusing issues when we keep it simple and “Love our neighbor as thyself”.
Resource: A great guide for praying for your neighbors is Fervent by Phyllis Shirer
To hear the Hardin’s address relevant topics like this one, click here to subscribe to our Youtube Channel
Karla Hardin is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Trauma Specialist for Hardin Life Resources
Click below to SHARE with a friend: