Where Is the Line Between Helping And Enabling Adult Children?
“Most parents are naturally compassionate and want to help their child at any age. But when does ‘help’ start to ‘harm’?”
By Karla Hardin, MS LPC
By Karla Hardin, MS LPC
Culture has changed. Thirty years ago, there would not be an audience for a blog like this. Why? Because most adult children were living on their own independently.
Times have changed. An estimated 17.8% of adults ages 25 to 34 lived in their parents' Household in 2019 according to the Pew Research Center. A later report showed that nearly half of 18- to 29-year-olds in the United States were living with one or both of their parents in March 2020.
Of course, college students moving home during the pandemic makes sense in 2020, but it’s the 2019 statistic that grabs my attention! That is almost 1 out of 5 adult children living with a parent! Research indicates that the two key reasons have been the job market for the men and not marrying for the women.
With this “new reality” parents are in unnavigated waters as these parents of millennials did not experience this in their generation – therefore there is no model on how to do it!
Most parents are naturally compassionate and want to “help” their child at any age. But when does “help” start to “harm”?
As we know, all children start in a totally dependent state. We recognize at that time we must be 100% ON during this stage of development. Yet, our conscious effort from the beginning is to move them to independence.
One big milestone is for example is when they learn to feed themselves. I remember that season –we got so many laughs! It seemed the food ended up on every part of their face EXCEPT the mouth!
None of us “panicked” during this stage. Even as awful as it looked – we were confident they would figure it out. Parenting was simple at that stage. We knew our limits in their training.
Those stages were clear, and we saw each important milestone of independence as something to be “checked off” with our finish line around age 22 when we would sit on the porch and be proud we had raised such competent kids.
Well, in an ideal world that is how it might work. But that is not case for many of us!
Both of our daughters ended up back in our home after college.
There were good reasons for each of them at that time. Phil and I found ourselves soul-searching as to the “right and wrongs” of parenting in this season when we had no idea what it should look like.
So, I want to offer you two guiding principles, that we use personally, for deciphering your role with your adult children.
1. THERE IS NO “RIGHT” OR “WRONG” WAY.
Life is not black and white in these matters so don’t start down that road of thinking. Instead ask yourself, “What appears to be the best way -at this time, for all of us?”
“appears”
You will never be omniscient (knowing everything) so accept that you are parenting on what you understand in the moment. You might be wrong. Relax. You can’t be perfect when you are in uncharted waters.
“this”
Life is so fluid that you need to observe it each day and be ready to shift your direction when what you are doing is not working that great. So, keep noticing where your adult child is personally at each day and be willing to redirect if needed.
“all”
This is not the time when you ignore where you are personally for the sake of your child. Technically, if they are not disabled, you are not “obligated” to help someone who is able to be independent. So, factor in what you personally need in this season of your life.
“best”
The goal of the best in this stage is determined by what helps them move toward independence. This word causes parents the MOST confusion and problem because there are so many possibilities as to what the best could be.
2.THE KEY TO FINDING THE BEST WAY TO GUIDE AND SUPPORT YOUR ADULT CHILD IS BY FOLLOWING THE –1 RULE.
The Minus 1 Rule will guide you clearly through each unknown stage of parenting your adult child.
I learned the –1 Rule when I was in my counseling internship. My supervisor saw quickly that I was on the road to burnout as the population we worked with had such high need and it was emotionally draining because we cared so much. She said,” You need to apply the “–1 Rule” with your clients if you expect to make it as a counselor.
The -1 Rule simply stated is this:
“I will work as hard as you on this” fill-in-the-blank problem” minus one.”
In other words, I will help you by working to solve where you are “stuck” or legitimately need help, but I will not work as hard as you – because only you should be working that hard for your life. And I will definitely NOT work harder than you to change or improve your life.
See the wisdom in the -1 Rule? The -1 Rule protects BOTH you and your adult child.
It protects you from being exploited by the never-ending needs of your child. They are adults. It is not your job to meet all their needs, it’s their job.
It protects them from getting stunted in their journey toward independence. Suffering, learning to do without, starting over, doubting, etc. are part of building resilience, wisdom, maturity, strength and independence. They need to try and fail in their own life. Too often parents try to prevent this from happening
Also, it protects them from entitlement, laziness and blaming. Because when someone else is doing all the work in their life –they will blame them when they don’t like the results and will demand more of them.
Enabling parents are often the most cursed in the counseling room because the adult child now feels inadequate to run their own life.
The -1 Rule, beautifully captures and carries out the command in Galatians 6:2-6 which points us all to caring for others but carrying only our own responsibilities!
These simple rules will not only help you with your adult children but can be a guide for every relationship!
Karla Hardin is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Trauma Specialist for Hardin Life Resources
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