5 Guides to Grieve Well -With C.S. Lewis
“Grief turns out to be not a state but a process. Grief is like a winding road where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape.” – C.S. Lewis
By Philip K. Hardin, M.A., M. Div., LMFT, LPC
By Philip K. Hardin, M.A., M. Div., LMFT, LPC
What do you do with the experience of loss? Do you know how to grieve? How do you help someone who is devastated by loss?
How can we empathize with our friends and family who are disoriented by their experience of overwhelming loss?
One of the ways we can learn to face loss and walk through grief well is by learning from the model of mature followers of Jesus who have experienced what we are facing.
In his Book: A Grief Observed, C. S. Lewis gives us a path to walk. A Grief Observed is Lewis’ journal from the ten days after his wife passed away and it is a gift to anyone going through loss.
Lewis shares vulnerably about what he is experiencing as he processes through the pain of the loss of his wife, Joy. I highly recommend the movie Shadowlands that gives a beautiful picture of how C.S. Lewis faced his loss.
THE FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF
The Five Stages of Grief is a helpful summary of what often happens to people as they process through loss. If you are experiencing loss, these Five Stages can be a helpful tool for building self-awareness. If you aren’t presently dealing with the pain of loss, these five stages will help you empathize with others.
C.S. Lewis has been a long-time mentor of mine. I have taken some key quotes from C.S. Lewis’ A Grief Observed and placed them alongside the Five Stages of grief as an example of what healthy and mature Christians might experience when processing through their loss.
1. Shock/Denial
The shock phase has to do with disbelief and terror. Entering the grieving process is terrifying and painful. If we can deny the reality, we can avoid the pain. It is scary to move forward. In many ways, we can’t move forward.
C.S. Lewis – “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.”
2. Anger
The anger phase has to do with blame. Often, it is easier to be mad than to be sad. This is ____’s fault. This is God’s fault. If this is how God treats us, then what’s the point anyway?
C.S. Lewis – “My anger protected me only for a short time; anger wearies itself out and truth comes in.”
3. Depression
The depression phase has to do with feelings of hopelessness. I will always be sad. Things will always be this way. Things will never be the same. This is both deep sadness over the loss of the person and the loss of your future together with that person.
C.S. Lewis – “Not that I am (I think) in much danger of ceasing to believe in God. The real danger is of coming to believe such dreadful things about Him. The conclusion I dread is not ‘So there’s no God after all,’ but ‘So this is what God’s really like.”
4. Bargaining
Bargaining has to do with wanting to control and negotiate the future. We make promises to God and others that we believe will prevent us experiencing pain this again in the future. Next time I’ll take them to a different doctor. Next time I’ll impose a more-strict curfew. We also start to evaluate how we handled the experience of grief, thinking, “perhaps next time, it won’t hurt this bad if I ____.” There is a glimmer of acceptance here, but the illusion of control remains.
C.S. Lewis – “I have gradually been coming to feel that the door is no longer shut and bolted. Was it my own frantic need that slammed it in my face? The time when there is nothing at all in your soul except a cry for help may be just the time when God can’t give it: you are like the drowning man who can’t be helped because he clutches and grabs. Perhaps your own reiterated cries deafen you to the voice you hoped to hear.”
5. Acceptance
Acceptance has to do with concluding and moving on. We come to grips with the reality that there is no “going back to normal” rather, there is only a “new normal.” This does not mean the pain is over, if anything, it might mean the most profound pain begins. C.S. Lewis compares death to amputation – the loss of a loved one is like the loss of a limb.
C.S. Lewis – “Getting over it so soon? But the words are ambiguous. To say the patient is getting over it after an operation for appendicitis is one thing; after he’s had his leg off it is quite another.”
5 GUIDES FOR HEALTHY GRIEVING
1. FACE REALITY
From shock/denial to facing the pain of the loss. The pain must be felt to heal. Invite the feeling of pain to surface. Tears are good!
2. BE SAD
From feeling Anger and rage that the loss happened, balance the anger with sadness. Sadness is the antidote for anger. Surrender to the process of healing and stop the protest.
3. SIT WITH OTHERS
From staying stuck in your depression, feel you feelings in safe community. Find others who will sit with you without trying to fix you or judge how you are handling your loss. You need friends who can comfort you by offering feedback, love, and connection. Depression is a form of trying to handle loss alone.
4. BE THANKFUL
From negotiating and bargaining with God, transition to expressing thankfulness. Receiving reality is best done with an attitude of gratitude. Receive the reality of the loss through an attitude of humble gratitude for the gift of what you had before your loss. God is sovereign over you and all of life.
5. SURRENDER
From just accepting the loss, transition to surrendering your plans and ideals for your life. Bow the knee to God. God has a plan for your life even amid your loss.
Walking though loss is a process and takes time, prayer, and experience. We must do everything we can to pray as we go and be connected to others. Remember, our Father is always present:
“He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves” Romans 8:26,27 - The Message
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Phil Hardin works as a Licensed Professional Counselor and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with Hardin Life Resources practicing in both Jackson, MS and Fairhope, AL.
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