Boundaries: Why Your Blended Family Needs House Rules

When it comes to blended families, setting strong boundaries is non negotiable.

Let me explain.

I will never forget the first time I confronted my husband about his discipline (or lack thereof) when we were about a year into dating. Because I grew up in a strict household with heavy discipline, I just couldn’t understand why a parent would continue to let their child get away with negative behavior, without any consequences. One afternoon, after a miserable 5-hour road trip with a feisty four year-old, I finally called him out on it, and we ended up in one of the biggest fights of our entire relationship! Looking back, I realize I had some - okay, a lot of unrealistic expectations, but at the end of the day I just wasn’t willing to marry a man with a kid who “ruled the roost.”

Eight years later, and my stepdaughter is now a kind and amazing twelve year-old, and her father and I will be celebrating our 7th wedding anniversary next month, but I know there are a lot of things we could have done differently to make our blending process go a little smoother.

Here’s the deal with blended families…

Two people from two different backgrounds come together to raise children who go back and forth between two different homes, with two different sets of rules, beliefs and values. Blending a family is hard enough without the confusion and stress that comes from your children being constantly pulled between two worlds.

The truth is, living in a blended family means everyone is always adjusting; this is true for the biological parents, stepparents and children. Unfortunately, there’s no handbook for blended families, but setting house rules is one sure-fire way you can set a strong foundation for your family to build healthy relationships on.

House rules help to set and enforce healthy boundaries with the other home.

The idea of trying to create consistency between two households sounds great, but in most cases, it is unrealistic and can cause even more conflict and tension between the homes. House rules are a way to help kids understand that “in this house, this is how we do things.” Fortunately, you don’t need the permission of the other home to do things the way you want to do them, and house rules teach a child that it’s okay to do things differently, but also to respect both ways of doing things. The reality is, we will never be able to control what goes on in the other home, but we can focus on controlling the things that happen in our own home.

House rules unify the family.

When making house rules, every member of the family should be present, and each member should be given an appropriate amount of input. This requires a group effort, which helps promote feelings of unity and togetherness for the family. One of the most important aspects of family is the feeling of belonging, but the harsh reality for blended families is that many times, both stepchildren and stepparents struggle with feeling like an outsider in their own family.

Creating house rules brings everyone together and promotes a “we” mentality, rather than an “us and them” mentality, and helps keep both the adults and children on the same page. House rules are also a great way to establish and maintain a sense of control in a situation that often feels very out of control.

House rules help the stepparent to ease into a role of disciplinarian.

If there is one thing I have learned as a stepmom, it’s that every family has their own unique way of doing things and this holds true for discipline as well. Because I came into my stepdaughter’s life at such a young age and was one of her primary care-takers for a while, she has always accepted me as a disciplinary figure in her life. However, this is not the case for many step-parents who marry into a family with older children or teenagers, who are already resisting discipline from their biological parents.

No matter what age your stepchildren are, it is best for a stepparent to ease into the role slowly and cautiously, until they find what works best for their family. House rules are a great way for a stepparent to ease into that role because they can confront and deal with disrespect or sour attitudes from stepkids, without making it feel like a personal attack. Stepparents can simply remind their stepkids of the house rules and then rely on the biological parent to enforce them.

House rules teach people how to treat each one another.

House rules are not a list of what not to do; house rules are a list of what to do. Detailed explanations of how the members of the family are expected to treat each other should be included in the house rules. For example, “When we walk in the door, we make eye-contact and say hello,” or “when we get done with dinner, we say thank you and asked to be excused before we leave the table.” This is especially important for building healthy relationships between stepchildren and their stepparents, as well as between stepchildren and their stepsiblings.

In Proverbs 22, it says to “train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” The best part about house rules? Teaching your children to treat others with kindness and respect is something that will benefit them for their rest of their lives.

House rules give children predictability.

If there is one thing that makes children feel safe, it’s predictability. When you have house rules, children know exactly what to expect and exactly what is expected of them when they come to your home. There is nothing worse for a child then having to adjust their thoughts, feelings and behaviors every time they transition between homes, so it important to do whatever we can to make that transition easier for them. Even just knowing what to expect when they walk through the front door helps brings a sense of normalcy and balance to the chaos of having to live two different lives.

Bottom line:

We cannot have healthy relationships without having healthy boundaries and the truth is, blended families already have the odds stacked against them. That’s why it is so important to do whatever it takes to make sure you are building a healthy and successful blended family.

Although the dynamics of blended family life can be extremely challenging, they also give us the opportunity to learn about and experience love on a deeper level and develop a resiliency that will help get us through any challenge life throws at us!

You’ve got this! I know, because if we can do it, anyone can!

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Guest Contributor, Rachel Dunne is a Stepfamily Foundation Certified Coach in Alabama and founder of www.spiritualstepmom.com. You can find her on Instagram, sharing her blended family life and life hacks @spiritualstepmom.

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