The Boundary Most of Us Never Learned How to Set
“Did you know we are to set boundaries in THREE areas of our life? Which have you neglected?”
By Karla Hardin, MS LPC
By Karla Hardin, MS LPC
Most of us encountered boundary development around 18 months old. We were mobile enough to get ourselves into situations when we first heard that proverbial “No!”
However, for the majority of our infanthood we heard “YES” to whatever we wanted —i.e. pick me up, feed me, soothe me, burp me, hold me, give me. There is no doubt that our first experience with the word “No” was a rude awakening. This possibly is why it is so hard to set boundaries as adults:
we don’t want the negative response or disappointment that inevitably seems to come.
We later understood that the “no’s” were a way of forming a protective boundary which kept us out of danger even though at the time it seemed harsh. There was a positive intent with most of those “no’s”.
Boundaries are first and foremost designed to keep you safe –by keeping the “good” in and the “bad” out.
Our skin is such a tangible picture of what boundaries should look like.
The skin keeps our life blood, organs, and basic constitution from spilling out. It keeps what is uniquely ours and innately valuable from getting lost, exploited, or destroyed. Our skin also keeps harmful, toxic, and irritating substances from coming in and breaking down our immune system and becoming life threatening.
So, we humans, need to have boundaries in three primary areas to keep us safe.
Ideally, your parents began early teaching you how to set boundaries in your life in these areas:
Physically
Emotionally
Relationally
…because without boundaries in all three areas we could be profoundly harmed.
IN THE BEGINNING…
Without boundaries, we can be set up for more than we can handle.
Such was the case for Adam and Eve. God had set a clear boundary for them regarding the Tree of Good and Evil. God knew they weren’t equipped to handle the responsibility of this knowledge, so He set the protective guideline to not eat of this tree.
Adam and Eve suffered physically, emotionally, and relationally (with both God and each other) because of disregarding God’s boundary. And because we, too, lost God’s protective covering through them, it is now necessary for us to “boundary” ourselves in all these areas.
Hopefully, your parents started early teaching you how to boundary yourself physically -starting with eating healthy foods, not doing drugs, or driving dangerously. These are all great attempts of helping us learn how to keep ourselves safe physically.
Then, at an early age, we also learn that relationships should be mutually respectful so that mean and cruel treatment from or towards others is unacceptable. We learned not to bully or be bullied.
EMotional Boundaries
The boundary that I believe most of us did not get good instruction on was how to boundary ourselves emotionally. Following are the two issues that arise from not having emotional boundaries.
Remember, that boundaries help define what you and I are responsible for. For example, a fence around your yard clarifies what you are taking care of and what you are not responsible to care for.
First Issue: Without good emotional boundaries we can feel responsible for other’s emotions.
I see this so much in the average home. A typical scenario is this: Dad comes home frustrated, and mom says, “Hurry and pick up your toys and let’s be really quiet so your dad can relax.” Or here is another: Your mom is really stressed so why don’t you go to your room and tell her what happened at school later.” And one more: “It makes your dad so happy when you get good grades!”
Do you see the subtle shift of responsibility? What is implied is that you are responsible for someone else’s emotions.
Long-term Consequence: You begin to believe it is your responsibility to make your teachers happy, your friends happy, your boss happy.. and the list goes on. You can easily see how this is more than you were designed to handle
Second Issue: Without emotional boundaries you give can away your power to be happy to someone else.
The most common problem is my office is that the person I am sitting with has given their power to be happy to someone else. The wife with the cold, distant husband is miserable, the parents of the drug-addicted son are afraid and powerless, the adult daughter of a critical mom is defeated and anxious, etc.
In all these situations I am usually trying to help the person separate their lives and happiness from others’ choices.
Long-term Consequence: When I need someone to be a certain way for me to be happy – I have given the power of my happiness to them. Which another way of saying this is that I no longer have the power to be happy on my own.
WHAT IS THE REMEDY?
Pinch your skin. That’s right. Now hold the skin you have pinched and say, “I am responsible for what is in this skin – no more and no less!”
This is the truth.
Galatians 6: 2,5
2 Bear one another’s burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ.
To bear is to care –not carry. Here, I show the love of Christ and genuine value and care for everyone.
5 For each person must carry his own load.
It is a privilege and a responsibility to be our own person. So much so that God gives us the power and choice on how we conduct our lives.
It may be a relief for some of you to remember that on the final judgement day you will be only giving an account for what you have done in your skin. You won’t be responsible for your spouse’s anger or your child’s unhappiness. You also won’t be blaming someone else for you being miserable and held back in your life.
Emotional boundaries put responsibility and power into its rightful place that promises the rightful freedom to be responsible for only what is in your skin!
Start today by examining your closest relationships and see if you need to set some emotional boundaries!
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Karla Hardin is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Trauma Specialist for Hardin Life Resources
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