5 Reasons Why Your Blended Family is Struggling
“Three out of four marriages involving children from a prior relationship will end in divorce. Consider these tips to beat the odds.”
By Rachel Dunne, Guest Contributor
By Rachel Dunne, Guest Contributor
Is your blended family struggling? Does it feel like everything was perfect in the beginning and now everything seems to be going terribly wrong?
If so, you are not alone. In fact, statistics tell us that being in a blended family is so tough, that three out of four marriages involving children from a prior relationship will end in divorce. It’s easy to blame yourself, your partner or even the children for the many difficulties that plague the blended family.
But the truth is, it’s no one’s fault-it’s the blended family situation and its dynamics that are to blame.
Here are the 5 biggest blended family struggles and some of the steps you can take to start working through them:
1. Unrealistic expectations
When it comes to blended families, the bigger the expectations, the bigger the disappointments. When couples first get married, they naturally expect that their new blended family will be just like a traditional one. For example, they may believe the myth that they will be one “big happy family” or that their partner will instantly love their new step-kids, and their kids will instantly accept and love their new stepparent. These blended family myths only set the marriage up for disappointment and failure.
The reality is, no matter how badly we wish for it, our blended family cannot and will not ever function like a nuclear family. The sooner a couple can understand and accept this reality, the better chance they have at finding the right tools to build a successful and thriving marriage and family.
2. Loyalty Conflicts
Loyalty is especially important in a family and while it typically binds a nuclear family together, it can quickly tear a blended family apart. Every member of the family is affected by these loyalty conflicts, whether they are consciously aware of it or not. The biological parent is constantly pulled between their spouse and their child, conflicted over who should come first and just trying to keep everyone happy.
The children feel guilty for loving their stepparent because they believe that by doing so, they are betraying the biological parent and may even act out or withdraw from the stepparent. In some instances, children may be encouraged to lie, spy, or keep secrets as an act of loyalty to one or both parents.
This unspoken dynamic will eventually wear down even the most dedicated stepparent and can cause a build-up of anger, resentment, and sadness. Learning to prioritize the marriage is the first step in minimizing the devastating effects of loyalty conflicts, as well as recognizing and validating the experience of the children.
3. Relationship with the Ex
Typically, when relationships end, there is a clean break and both ex- spouses are free to move on and put the past behind them. When a marriage ends in divorce and there are shared children involved, the past is constantly knocking at the door of the present.
Parents are obligated to continue to communicate and interact with their ex, even if the co-parenting relationship has a negative impact on their own mental health and life. When an ex-spouse remarries, the relationship between co-parents becomes even more complicated and usually more contemptuous.
The biological parent often resents the presence of the new stepparent in the children’s lives and the stepparent often resents the presence of the ex in her husband’s life and now, her own. In some cases, a high-conflict ex can wreak havoc on an ex-spouse’s new marriage and family and in extreme cases, even alienate the children from the other parent and members of his/her family.
If a mature co-parenting relationship is not an option in your situation, parallel parenting may be a better choice. No matter what kind of relationship you or your partner have with the ex, protecting your marriage and setting clear boundaries will help mitigate many of the issues that come up when navigating a co-parenting relationship with the ex.
4. Guilty Parenting
Just because you are no longer in a relationship with the other parent does not mean that you get to stop being a parent. After a divorce, it’s easy for single parents to find themselves playing the role of friend and party planner, but this is not in the best interest of the children who are desperate for structure and predictability.
Many parents fear that their children will not like them or want to come over anymore if they discipline or disappoint them, but this overindulgence is detrimental to the children and family as a whole in the long run. The best thing you can do for your children is to set up specific house rules that are understood, respected, and followed by everyone in the house so that they always know what to expect and what is expected of them.
Guilty parents need not revolve every aspect of their lives around the children when they come over, but instead should give them consistency by showing them what every day healthy family life looks like.
5. Lack of Boundaries
Setting strong and clear boundaries in a blended family is one of the most important things you can do to protect your marriage and establish safety within your home. Boundaries are how we draw the line on what we are and are not willing to put up with and how we expect people to treat us. Boundaries keep the good things in and the bad things out.
A lack of healthy boundaries is extremely common in a blended family. Single parents may treat their children as best friends and confidantes, or “mini-adults” who must bear grown-up burdens instead of being allowed to be a child. Children may blatantly disrespect their stepparent, who is “not my parent” and the biological parent may refuse to confront it, leaving the stepparent feeling powerless.
Ex-spouses may communicate in an excessive and unnecessary manner and fathers especially may have a hard time saying no to the disruptive demands of the other parent out of fear of losing their children. It is easy to understand how all these unhealthy boundaries could have a constant negative impact on a marriage and family.
Co-parenting should be treated as a business relationship. Communication should be kept minimal and always respectful and to the point. There is no need for co-parents to communicate about anything other than the shared children. Visitation schedules should be respected and followed for the sake of predictability for the children and other members of each family.
Parents should focus on healthy parenting and discipline and refrain from bad-mouthing the other parent or discussing adult matters. Stepparents should be treated with absolute respect by both their spouse and children regardless of how the children or ex-spouse feel about them.
Just knowing that your blended family problems are NORMAL is one of the most important steps you can take in overcoming these issues! It’s not going to be easy, but it’s definitely going to be worth it!
And the good news is, if you and your spouse commit to doing the work, your blended family will not only succeed, but your marriage will be statistically stronger than any first marriage! What doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger!
*Consider attending STEPPS -our Blended Families Workshop in Fairhope, AL. Click here for more information.
