Is Your Subconscious Holding You Back from Achieving Your Goals?
“Consider what lies or vows you made as a child that are shaping your adulthood.”
By Karla Hardin, MS LPC
By Karla Hardin, MS LPC
Every new year starts off with an unspoken hope that it will be our best year yet.
For some of us, we attack this hope with a vengeance and join a gym, limit alcohol, determine to read a novel and commit to stop wasting time scrolling. Others of us have been so defeated in the past by unreached goals that we just make a joke about why goal setting is hazardous to our health!
Whichever person you most resemble could actually be held back from reaching your full potential by something that got logged in your brain years ago that is still playing a major role in your daily living.
The Brain
Let me explain this by first giving you a “refresher” on how your brain works.
The human brain is first and foremost focused on keeping us safe. But most of us don’t realize that this also includes keeping us emotionally safe. Our brain doesn’t like us to hurt and feel overwhelming emotions.
Therefore, the brain starts early in record-keeping all the hurts, losses, and painful feelings along with who and how it happened so it can avoid experiencing those things ever again.
So, whether you realize it or not, your brain is constantly scanning every day to assess potentially hurt-filled situations.
An example of a hurtful memory would be growing up in a home of an alcoholic parent who, when drunk, began to yell or criticize you. As a child, this would hurt and scare you so much. You wouldn’t understand why your parent would do this and since you couldn’t figure it, out it would trigger fear and doubt that you might not get the love and care you need.
At a very young age your brain would create a template for trying to protect itself emotionally from unpredictable people. This template becomes part of your unconscious scanning in all your relationships.
The other component of our brain’s system to keep us safe is our fight, flight, freeze, fawn response when danger is perceived or present.
Learn more about your response style here.
Fight and Fawn are very proactive forms of survival whereas Flight and Freeze tend to be more avoidant. Also, they have slightly different strategies based on who they see as the source of the threat.
Generally, Flight and Fawn see themselves as the problem whereas Fight and Freeze sees others as the threat.
The LIES + VOWS we make
Understanding our natural response style along with our past hurts is where we begin to learn how our brains began to believe lies about ourselves or see others as dangerous -(inviting us to make a vow).
Consider for a moment some common lies and vows we can make as a result of deep hurts in our past. We make them (typically in childhood) as an attempt to protect ourselves from ever feeling that pain again.
LIES:
“No one will ever love me”
“I’m a failure and always will be.”
“God wants to punish me.”
“Men are liars”
“Women are worthless.”
“People can’t be trusted.”
“The only way to succeed is to use people.”
VOWS:
“I will punish myself for that forever.”
“I will never trust another man.”
“I will never let someone see the real me.”
“I won’t ever ask for help.”
“I will not let God direct my life. I will do my own thing".
“I refuse to ever acknowledge anger.”
“I will never set foot in a church again.”
Here are two different scenarios of how two former clients I knew formed different templates for their self-protection.
BOB + VOW
Bob’s dad was a 5 0’clock alcoholic. By his fourth beer he would start in on Bob saying,” You are so stupid you won’t get out of grade school!” The mean taunting was sometimes followed by anger about a chore that wasn’t done and he would get “kicked” as he was told to “Get it done NOW!” Bob not only finished grade school but went on to graduate law school with honors.
By the time he was 34 he had made partner and commanded respect from his peers. But Bob’s anger was destroying his own home. His wife took tennis lessons to avoid him and the kids always played in their rooms when he was home. Bob’s childhood template saw others as dangerous and unsafe and he made a vow that no one would ever have the power to hurt him again. (Bob’s survival style was FIGHT)
SUSIE + LIE
Susie was a shy and pretty little girl. Her mom sadly seemed jealous when friends would compliment Susie. The only time her mom seemed to appreciate her was when she cleaned the kitchen or simply stayed out of her way. Susie went to college and struggled with an eating disorder and always dated critical guys who ignored her. She was that person who blended into the background and seemed happy to just accommodate everyone else.
Susie’s childhood template had taught her to believe the lie that she was the problem and only if she could perfect herself would anyone ever want or love her. (Susie’s survival style was FAWN)
Neither Bob or Susie were living their best life because their childhood template determined how they focused on either themselves or others every day. Neither one of them had meaningful connections or the simple enjoyment of just being themselves.
Most of us never stop to think if we are unconsciously believing a lie about ourselves or if we have lumped others into a category of “untrustworthy” and to be avoided.
Before you set goals this year, consider looking deeper and see if you are being held back by a lie you believe or a vow you have made.
Click here to help you learn more about your template
Make this your best year yet by destroying the lies and letting go of damaging vows!
Psalm 51:6 Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being, and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.
John 8:32 And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
Karla Hardin is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Trauma Specialist for Hardin Life Resources
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