How Disciplining Our Children Can Be Simpler Than We Think
“When character development is your goal, consider consequences over punishments.“
By Guest Contributor, Emily Patterson, LICSW, PIP
By Guest Contributor, Emily Patterson, LICSW, PIP
As parents, we are tasked with developing rules and consequences that will help our children and teens understand how the world works. This is a tall order and not something that comes easily to most parents. Many times we end up resorting to threats, lectures and yelling, which doesn’t seem to do anything but lead to frustration for everyone and hurts our relationship with our kids.
Fortunately, God has modeled for us how we can help our children learn to make good choices.
Romans 2:4 tells us that “God’s kindness leads us to repentance,” while his wrath is reserved for those that obey unrighteousness.
Throughout all of scripture, in his dealings with Israel, he regularly allowed His people to turn away from him and suffer the consequences of those choices. This led to broken fellowship with Him, widespread suffering in the kingdom, and even exile from the Promised Land.
However, anytime the people were ready to repent, He welcomed them back with open arms, showed compassion, and reminded them that their suffering was the consequence of their own poor choices. In doing so, He provided us parents with a blueprint for NATURAL CONSEQUENCES and LOGICAL CONSEQUENCES.
Here’s what this looks like for parents:
NATURAL CONSEQUENCES
Natural consequence are things that happen on their own as a result of the child’s behavior. A natural consequence allows a child to experience the effects of his or her choices, whether those are positive or negative.
This may require the parents to refrain from intervening, even when we may be tempted to help or shield our children from the discomfort. This will also require parents to refrain from lecturing, yelling, and “I told you so’s.”
Example:
Five-year-old Katie leaves her favorite shoes outside on the trampoline. Knowing Katie is very partial to these particular shoes, Mom says, “Honey, it looks like it’s about to rain, go pick up your shoes off the trampoline.”
Katie does not immediately comply, but when it begins sprinkling,
Mom reminds Katie again, “Honey, it’s raining, your favorite shoes will be wet.”
Katie still does not comply. Instead of mom running out to pick up the shoes, yelling at Katie to pick up the shoes, or punishing Katie for non-compliance, mom chooses to allow the shoes to get rained on, even though she knows that Katie will be terribly upset that the favorite shoes won’t be available the next day for wear.
The next morning, when Katie asks mom for the shoes, mom reminds her, “They are still on the trampoline where you left them. It looks like they got wet.”
Katie will feel the disappointment, sadness and frustration that her favorite shoes are wet, and she’s forced to either wear wet shoes or choose a different dry pair.
Rather than having damaged her connection with Katie through lecturing or scolding, mom is positioned for an opportunity for teaching and compassion. Katie has learned a valuable lesson about the result of caring for her treasured belongings.
LOGICAL CONSEQUENCES
Logical consequences are steps that we take, as parents, to help our children see that choosing poor behaviors comes with some unpleasant side effects. A parent may choose a logical consequence to model what would happen in a similar, but more serious, real-life situation. Logical consequences can be both positive and negative.
*For teens, they should be included in deciding the consequences for their choices in advance [Age .
Example (negative consequence): Thirteen-year-old Jonathan has a bad habit of losing his temper when mom or dad provide redirection for picking on his brother or otherwise being disrespectful to others in the family. The parents decide to require him to “cool off” in his room before rejoining the family, but when they ask him to head to his room, he continues to huff and puff and always slams the door to his room. They have yelled and lectured Jonathan about door slamming to no avail.
While requiring Jonathan to take a “time out” to calm his emotions is a good idea, mom and dad are at a loss for what to do about the door slamming. Instead of lecturing or yelling at Jonathan in that moment, mom and dad come up with a plan.
The next day, while Jonathan is in a relatively good mood, mom and dad meet with Jonathan and explain why slamming doors is bad (it’s rude, the door can break, etc.). They share with Jonathan that his bedroom door actually a privilege; that doors are not required and can very easily be removed. If he shows that he cannot handle the privilege of having the door, then his door will be removed from the hinges the next time he slams it for an agreed amount of time (a week or two).
In the meantime, mom and dad teach some skills for redirecting frustration (take deep breaths, punch a pillow, go for a run, etc.). With this approach, if Jonathan loses his door for slamming it again, he knew the consequence in advance and was given the opportunity to make a different, better choice. If he didn’t, he chose to lose his own door for an agreed amount of time.
This removes the weight of responsibility from mom and dad, and places it onto the teen.
Example (positive consequence): Twelve-year-old Elise wants to stay up late on Wednesdays to watch a favorite TV show that all her friends love and discuss at lunch on Thursdays, but struggles with being slow to wake in the mornings.
Elise agrees to be ready for school at an agreed upon time daily for a week in order to show that she can handle the privilege of staying up late. If Elise is not up on time, then Elise will not be allowed to stay up and will miss being able to discuss the show with her friends. Elise agrees that this is fair and has a positive goal to work towards.
Both of these types of consequences are very effective in teaching children and teens how to make good choices and experience the results of bad choices in a safe setting.
They are able to feel in control of a situation and it removes the blame from the parents.
It also puts the focus of the issue on the child’s “choices” rather than on shaming the child for undesired behavior, which aids in building their character.
Learning to recognize natural consequences and logical consequences can be challenging at first, but with practice, it is well worth the learning curve.
If you’d like to talk with someone more about learning how to implement these strategies in your home, reach out to us!
Book Recommendation for younger children: “Making Children Mind without Losing Yours” by Kevin Lehman
All ages: “Boundaries with Kids: How Healthy Choices Grow Healthy Children” by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
Tweens/Teens: “Boundaries with Teens” by John Townsend
Emily Patterson works as a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Counselor with Joyworks Counseling, LLC in Daphne, AL.
Click below to SHARE with a friend: