When The Beast Meets Valentine’s Day
“There is the great lesson of ‘Beauty and the Beast’; that a thing must be loved before it is loveable.”
- G.K. Chesterton, Orthodoxy
By Philip K. Hardin, M.A., M. Div., LMFT, LPC
By Philip K. Hardin, M.A., M. Div., LMFT, LPC
Valentine’s Day is many things to many people. To Hallmark, it is a gold mine. To many men, it is a holiday that cannot be forgotten…but to all, it is a reminder that LOVE is important. Flowers, candy, cards, and a romantic dinner out are means to express our love to those we care about and who care about us.
When reflecting on love, the story of “Beauty and the Beast” comes to mind. I loved reading the book to my daughters as they were growing up. And, even before I was married, I enjoyed taking my niece to see the movie when she was so small, I had to hold her in the seat to keep her from being folded up.
The story has always been captivating. I see myself in the tragic story of the Beast. He was only able to overcome the tragedy of the curse that had been put on him by an enchantress when he found someone who would love him. The story is the Gospel –the story of the love of Jesus that transforms us into new creatures and new life.
“Beauty and the Beast” is a heartfelt story about the birth of love and the capability of love to transform the way you look at the people you love.
The fairytale has a happy ending because the great love between the Beauty and the Beast was real, and when the Beauty declared the love for the Beast he transformed into a Prince.
I identify with the Beast.
Years ago, when my girls had all the figurines of the Disney movie, I actually carried the small figure of the Beast in my pocket for a reminder of my own broken way of relating to those I loved. The Beast needed to be loved by another or he would remain trapped in his own selfishness and pride. Who would ever love him?
I need to be loved. My needs are important and when I live disconnected from others due to my own pride, selfishness, or unawareness, I suffer, and I bring pain to others.
I was made for connection but the road to experiencing the closeness I need only occurs through vulnerability …something I avoid when my fears of shame, failure, or rejection speak louder in my head.
Vulnerability drives us to intimacy = Safe Attachment.
When we were infants, God gave us parents to care for us. They fed us, cleaned us, stroked us, burped us, changed us, and coddled us. They cared for us when we were upset. We needed them and they became our preferred connection over strangers. This is called attachment. It’s a combination of dependence and love.
Attachment is so fundamental to life that entire neuron networks in the brain are devoted to its development. God’s wisdom in “fearfully and wonderfully” creating us is seen in the attachment system because it enables us to cope with life. We need others and we need to be needed.
God has given us the science of attachment to neurologically explain how much we need connection. I like to think of vulnerability as the gas that fuels the attachment bus on our journey to intimacy.
The journey looks like this: when I, like the Beast, honestly share who I am -the good, bad, and ugly with a safe other and am open to others sharing their experience of me to me -shame and fear dissipate and intimacy is felt.
As the apostle Paul says in Romans 12:9 [The MSG]
“Love from the center of how you are; don’t fake it.”
True vulnerability invites us to be real. When we try to anticipate what will be agreeable to others by hiding our true opinions and modifying what we say, we actually destroy any hope of the very intimate connection we desire.
Three Ways to practice the intent of a Gospel-centric Valentine’s Day every day:
1. Be expressive about love.
Write about it, talk about it, and demonstrate it to those you care about. Silence kills intimacy. Never miss an opportunity to express love.
2. Be open and honest about your failures.
Vulnerability about your fears and failures can be a powerful way to connect to those you love. Secrets kill intimacy. Genuine ownership of our hurting of others is a powerful form of connection. Humility is attractive!
3. Be full of grace and mercy.
Be known as an aggressive forgiver. Judgment kills intimacy. Don’t’ hold grudges or live in toxic blame and criticism. Grace is the fertilizer that makes us grow. I would hope to be accused of being too grace oriented.
My hope this Valentines Day…
I want to be a man of character—a man who knows how to love and be loved. I want to live “naked and unashamed.” Therefore, I will be aware of my “Beastly” tendencies to disconnect and isolate and seek to be open and honest-vulnerable about my failures and fears.
I want to be intentional and deliberate about expressing love to those I value and care about. Yes! I want to be fully present and expressive about love, especially on Valentine’s Day!
The Beast in me has been defeated by the love of Jesus. Pass it on!
To my wife and girls – Happy Valentine’s Day! I love you!
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Phil Hardin works as a Licensed Professional Counselor and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with Hardin Life Resources practicing in both Jackson, MS and Fairhope, AL.
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