Are You on the Road to Becoming Bitter?
“I don’t think anyone consciously plans to or wants to be bitter about life or relationships. But what we know is that a lot of people end up there.”
By Karla Hardin, MS LPC
By Karla Hardin, MS LPC
Have you ever taken the time to think about how a person becomes bitter?
I recently asked myself this question because at my age (60’s) I am noticing that a lot of people are. I bet if I had talked to them in their 20’s and said, “You are going to end up a bitter person”, they probably would have been shocked at the thought and would tell me that is the last thing they ever would want to be.
I don’t think anyone consciously plans to or wants to be bitter about life or relationships. But what we know is that a lot of people end up there.
What does the path to bitterness look like?
I think it begins with the daily disappointments and losses in life that we are constantly experiencing and trying to adjust to. These disappointments range from catastrophic -like a Tsunami to the “micro” erosions, which wear us down like a Chinese water torture tactic!
It is easy to see how people get reduced by the “Tear-downs” and “Wear-downs” over time and end up resentful, self-pitying and bitter.
And bitterness looks different on people. Some are “in-ies” and others are “out-ies”.
“IN-ies” turn the emotion inside and can grit their teeth and smile on the outside while grumbling inwardly as they just settle for going through the motions of life, though they are empty and numb.
“OUT-ies” direct the emotion out toward the world. They are critical, cynical, and hardened as they expect the worst of others and the universe at large.
How do we avoid bitterness when we ALL will face losses and disappointments throughout our lives?
AWARENESS IS ALWAYS WHERE WE START!
First, we need to be aware of how we operate, i.e. IN-ies or OUT-ies; and second, we need to examine our WHOLE-self. Our “Self” can be seen like a four-legged table.
We have four significant “legs” of our whole self –the physical leg, emotional leg, social leg and spiritual leg. All of our “legs” or parts equally contribute to our overall strength and stability as a person. Yet, it only takes one struggling part to totally rock every other area.
So, if we are not aware of the gradual “wear-downs” and “tear-downs” in every part of our self and do not seek to repair them, then we will “run-down” …starting the emotional backsliding toward resentfulness and bitterness.
Consider some examples of the gradual eroding realities in our lives as opposed to the catastrophic wipeouts. Let’s compare in each part:
With each year and passing decade we become increasingly aware of these losses and the toll they take on us.
Now that we are aware, consider what our typical defense might be…
SANDBAGGING!
This is my way of describing how we are trying to keep the bad stuff away from us and keep from losing more of ourselves.
Recently in Mississippi some of my friends were faced with flood issues from the Pearl River. People were frantically trying to blockade the water from their homes. Sandbags are our attempts of trying to hold on to what is left and keep the painful realities away from us.
The driving emotion of sandbagging is FEAR. And the work of trying to protect ourselves gets heavier and harder as time goes on and we soon find ourselves in an utter state of EXHAUSTION.
And it is in this state of exhaustion that we find ourselves facing a CROSSROAD… It is here that we will consciously or unconsciously choose to move toward bitterness or acceptance of the realities of life.
There is no better example of this to me than John the Baptist as seen in Matthew 11:2-6.
John started out with a charmed life. How many people do you know that were anointed in the womb, picked to serve God in an elevated role, and were supported and gifted to do so?
But none of us are immune from the “wear”-downs and tear-downs of life.
Shortly after John began his public ministry of preaching repentance, he was thrown in prison, as though forgotten by God. With physical deprivation, social isolation, emotional depletion and spiritual confusion –John stood at that crossroad which was to be a defining moment in his life.
It is common, when we are at crossroads, to be tempted to play the “Blame Game” or the “Why Me? Game”. King David, Job, Jonah and countless others have been there before us.
Life was no longer working like John had imagined or was led to believe. Disappointment and loss was his daily reality. I have no doubt he asked, ”Why me?”
Left to think and make sense of what was happening, he faced the deepest fear of wondering if he had gotten the “God-piece” wrong altogether.
Maybe God was not omnipotent and did not have the power to free him.
Or maybe God wasn’t loving and truly didn’t care to free him.
Or the worst scenario –maybe he had believed a lie and God was simply a figment of his own imagination.
…But there was one possibility that wasn’t so bleak.
What if the guy who was going around wasn’t the REAL Messiah?
John opted for this last ditch effort to make sense of the havoc and confusion when he sent a messenger to Jesus to inquire:
3 “Are You the Expected One, or shall we look for someone else?”
4 Jesus replied, “Go and report to John what you hear and see:
5 the blind receive sight and the lame walk, the lepers are cleansed and the deaf hear, the dead are raised up, and the poor have the gospel preached to them.
6 And blessed is he who does not stumble over Me.”
When life is not going the way we expected and we have lost so much with no understanding of why, we all can be tempted to “stumble” over Jesus Himself.
God knows and gets that. He knew John was at a crossroad. …But the choice is ours at that fork:
1) to trust and accept that which we do not understand at the time.
OR
2) to doubt, resent and move away from a life of faith and hope in the God who promises to never leave or forsake us.
If you are human at all, like John, we have all chosen the latter at one point or another. It feels easier at the time to project our disappointments and frustrations onto someone outside of ourselves instead of taking ownership for our behavior, choices, and knowledge of truth. Knowing our tendencies, consider these three action steps to avoid going bitter.
3 TIPS TO NAVIGATE YOUR CROSSROADS WELL
1. Anchor yourself in the Spiritual Circle of your life.
This is the only dimension of you that is transcendent and can offer both:
HOPE –which attacks the fear of abandonment by God [Hebrews 6:19-20]
ETERNAL (bigger) PERSPECTIVE –which combats disillusionment and reframes loss [2 Corinthians 4:16-18]
2. Acknowledge your choices.
As you are examining your crossroads realize you have two critical choices to make.
Will I trust?
Hebrews 11:1, 6 says this is the criteria to experience rest.
Will I yield?
Luke 22:42 Jesus modeled that even though He didn’t deserve what He was going through, and after asking for it to be removed, He yielded His rights to even His life, and said, “Not My will, but Thine”.
3. Form a daily strategy to uproot any bitterness.
Assess Yourself:
“Where am I and How am I?”
Accept Reality:
Life is “wear”downs & tear-downs, and I am not immune.
Acknowledge losses:
Grieve well as it honors what was lost.
Bitterness doesn’t sneak up on us. It is a result of choice.
DECIDE TODAY how you will face your crossroads.
Jesus reminded John that He was the One the prophets spoke of and invited him to rest upon the character of God when in doubt.
Psalm 145: 6-9
6 Men shall speak of the power of Your awesome acts, and I will tell of Your greatness.
7 They shall eagerly utter the memory of Your abundant goodness and will shout joyfully of Your righteousness.
8 The Lord is gracious and merciful; Slow to anger and great in lovingkindness.
9 The Lord is good to all,And His mercies are over all His works.
Karla Hardin is a Licensed Professional Counselor at Passionate Living Counseling and Trauma Specialist for Hardin Life Resources
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