“You Have to Talk!”

“A hard lesson taught me, it’s not enough just to know your story or who you are, but you must share it. ALL of it. Only then can we be truly free to live authentically.”

By Philip K. Hardin, M.A., M. Div., LMFT, LPC

By Philip K. Hardin, M.A., M. Div., LMFT, LPC

I was 37 and found myself in group counseling, beginning my own intentional process for growth. I was frozen and confused, confronted by a therapist and group members to consider my bad habits of “self-protection.” The therapist looked me directly in the eyes and said, “You have to talk!”

When you see your stubbornness, selfishness, and pride come clearly into focus, you need to own it. You need to talk about it. I learned this the hard way.

I also learned that when you refuse to own your hurtful, destructive behavior in relationships, anger and shame will often create a separation in the relationship. It clouds all reality and sends an invitation to minimize behavior, hide from other’s hurt, or do all we can to avoid consequences.

I believe God has given us a verbal faith. He directs us to be verbal about what we believe, what we do, and how we fail.

The Bible calls it confession—to acknowledge what is there. I call it “telling our story.” God wants us to tell our story—to own and accept all parts of the reality of our life.

Owning the good parts of our life is easy. Owning the parts of our life that we are ashamed of or that which we are unaware of is difficult. But I’ve seen the transformation of those who become self-aware through community and are able to assess areas that used to be blind spots. And, I’ve seen the power of grace in the context of community.

James 5:16 “Confess your sins to one another…so you may be HEALED.” Tell your story!

I have come to believe in the healing power of FULLY owning our story with each other… the dirty, ugly parts of who we are and what we do no matter how hard we try not to. We hurt and disappoint each other in relationships, but when we do not verbalize the hurt through owning our screw-ups, we also never experience the forgiveness that frees us to live authentically as our True self.

But, trust me, I get it. Even as good as we know it can be, it’s still really hard to practice confession—telling your story with those you don’t want to hurt but do! It SUCKS!

God wants us to be ALL of our self —our True self, and to not be anything that we are not. All of our story needs to be owned and vulnerably confessed which, in Kingdom living terms, activates the power of grace and forgiveness.

Our story is composed of three things:

1. Events

2. Emotions (surrounding the events we experienced)

3. Interpretations (what we think we learned from the events and emotions of our lives).

Our interpretation is the script of our lives. It becomes my identity, and I become my interpretation. “Whatever we do not own will eventually own us.”

Therefore, consider these 3 elements to tell your story:

1.     What EVENTS have especially shaped your life? 

What events come to your mind if you wanted to capture the story of your life? What photographs would you show me that significantly influenced your life?

2.     What were the EMOTIONS you felt around those events?

Your emotions are what stores the memory. If you don’t work with the emotions, you will never be able to move forward. That emotional energy will affect you physically, mentally, spiritually, and relationally. That emotional energy when not shared leaves you heavy and overloaded. It impacts your ability to live life freely—free to love and be loved.

3.     What is the INTERPRETATION of the events of your life?

How you make sense of the events that happen to you or that you are a part of shape the way you view yourself and the world around you. It informs the way that you live as an individual and in relationship with others. Remember, whatever we do not own, will eventually own us. Know the why.

To live as our True Self, you must own the many ways you show disregard for those you love. Certainly, you want to celebrate the gifts God has given you, but if you expect your “good parts” to prevent your broken parts from cutting those you love, then you are unaware of how life really works. True-self living is anchored in a participatory communion with God and others.

God has given us a talking faith, a verbal faith. By our willingness to vulnerably enter into our story and trust God, our story can and will be interpreted well.

We must be willing to attend to our personal wounds and the wounds we create. We do this by addressing the emotions embedded in our wounds and respecting the emotions in those we wound.

I have to talk! You have to talk! Tell your story, tell it well, and tell it often. And as you do, you will find relationships you can build your life around.

Phil Hardin works as a Licensed Professional Counselor and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with Hardin Life Resources practicing in both Jackson, MS and Fairhope, AL.

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