What Happens When Joseph, the Earthly Father of Jesus, Comes for Counseling!

“He has no speaking part, easily can go unnoticed in the drama, and yet, he offers us a model of manhood and godliness as he faces challenges that few men would handle well.”

By Philip K. Hardin, M.A., M. Div., LMFT, LPC

By Philip K. Hardin, M.A., M. Div., LMFT, LPC

Christmas brings so many things to life that I love. I love the wonder and beauty, the family and food, and the worship of Jesus. I love the stories of Christmas – so many that I read to my girls when they were small and that I continue to read to them even though they are beautiful adult young women. Imagination brings life to so many of the parts of Christmas.

Imagine that Joseph, the earthly father of Jesus comes for counseling! Through the years, I have sat with hundreds of men, women, and couples who are facing perplexing and challenging circumstances. So, I was thinking, what if Joseph walked into my office and told his story of preparing to marry his love when she announces she is pregnant. He is confused and uncertain. He’s asking, “What should I do?”

What would I tell him? Imagine with me…

Joseph is the forgotten figure of the Christmas story. He stands silent. He is spoken to and he is spoken about, but not a single syllable crosses his lips. He is viewed at best as just an extra, in the Christmas drama. And yet, he is vitally important because of what God said to him and what God did through him. His faith, his courage, his strength, his sensitivity, his compassion and his obedience to the will of God actually have a greater impact on Christian thought and on the Christian lifestyle than we have been willing to acknowledge.

God speaks to Joseph four times in four dreams to comfort and direct him. Without doubt, this young husband and father to be has been chosen to play an important role in the redemptive story of God.

He has no speaking part, easily can go unnoticed in the drama, and yet, he offers us a model of manhood and godliness as he faces challenges that few men would handle well.

So… Joseph begins his first counseling session.

“I don’t know what to do! I thought I could trust her. Mary was innocent and pure, but now she tells me she’s pregnant. And, she reports to me that she is with child by the Holy Spirit. I’m afraid she’s had some sort of psychotic break! I am committed to her. I’m going to stick with her, but I think I need to find a secret place for us to hide. People are talking!”

Joseph is faced with shame, the “emotional cancer” that is the feeling of sin.

Here’s what I would say to Joseph.

“I hear you, Joseph. I hurt with you and for you. I am glad you are here and are owning and sharing your story. I hear the shame! Are you open to my thoughts?”

Shame hates it when we reach out and tell our story.

It hates having words wrapped around it—it can’t survive being shared. Shame loves secrecy. The most dangerous thing to do after a shaming experience is hide or bury our story. When we bury our story, the shame metastasizes. Shame lives in secrets. Keep no secrets. Find a safe place of support to attack the shame.

We are imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that we can also be brave and worthy of love.

Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do. You belong and you deserve to be loved.

When we’re looking for compassion, we need someone who is deeply rooted, able to bend, and, most of all, we need someone who embraces us for our strengths and struggles. We need to honor our struggle by sharing it with someone who has earned the right to hear it. When we’re looking for compassion, it’s about connecting with the right person at the right time about the right issue. We need community.

Joseph comes for his second counseling session.

He reports that God spoke to him in a dream to assure him that Mary could be trusted and marrying her was a good and wise commitment. He now shares that Herod the king is seeking to kill the baby and he is afraid. He feels rejected and scared. “How do I handle this overwhelming feeling of rejection?”

Rejection must be faced, emotions must be acknowledged.

Rather than suppress, ignore, or deny the pain, acknowledge your emotions.

Admit whatever you’re feeling. Offer kindness and compassion to yourself. Rather than think, "You're so stupid for thinking you could do this," strong men treat themselves with compassion. They respond to negative self-talk with a kinder, more affirming message. Stop listening to the critical voice in your head. Refuse to let rejection define you. Strong men don't make sweeping generalizations when they're rejected. They keep rejection in proper perspective. Learn and grow. God will make a way!

Joseph is directed by God in a second dream to move to Egypt. He will be safe there until the threat of Herod is gone. Joseph cares for his wife and newborn son by moving to the place that his ancestors were held as slaves. God had planned all along that His provision for our freedom would come from a place of past enslavement, Egypt.

How symbolic! From a place of slavery to a place of FREEDOM!

Joseph begins his third counseling session.

“I’m in Egypt. This is not my home. Yes, we are safe, but it’s not where we belong. I am grateful, but I want to go home.” Joseph is faced with dealing with ambivalence—being able to face and separate the good and bad of life. Healthy people can do that. Unhealthy people see life as “black and white” – either, or!”

Joseph was embracing GOOD & BAD.

The ability to handle the coexistence of good and bad is fundamental to growth and development. We live in a world that has both good and bad as part of everyday reality. Love exists, but there are many examples of relating in fear.

Talented people are everywhere, but lazy people are wasteful of their gifts. I can name men who seem to be evil, and yet they are men who are fathers and husbands who are adored by their families.

The world is beautiful in so many ways, but it is also filled with pain and waste. To deny one or the other is to demand perfection or to live in denial.

Forgiveness is critical in resolving GOOD & BAD. Growing in resolving good and bad requires the ability to forgive. There is no major psychological or spiritual discipline that does not offer some remedy for failure. Forgiveness is a non-negotiable skill that facilitates growth in resolving good and bad.

To forgive is to acknowledge the wrong and yet, place more value on the relationship than the offense. A growing, mature man can do that!

Joseph was directed by God through a third dream to leave Egypt and return home. Herod as dead. Joseph could take his little family home. God always makes a way.

Joseph begins his fourth counseling session.

“Where should I settle? How do I provide my family? What is my future?” Joseph needed hope. When his life’s journey seemed darkest, God gave Joseph the promise of hope—a hope postponed, but ultimately realized.

Joseph was clear. “My hope is in God … “Understand what has to be there for that to be so! Wishing is 100% subjective. Hope is not subjective. When we have hope, it’s the last thing we feel. Hope is not an orientation toward future, but it has everything to do with the past. God gives history lessons, i.e. the Red Sea, Hebrews 11, etc. We look forward toward the future as we’ve gotten from our past. Hope is more about remembering the past, than worrying about the unknown of the future.

God spoke in a fourth dream and directed Joseph of take his family to Nazareth. This would be the home that Jesus would grow into a man, guided by his earthly father. Jesus would learn to be a man through the model of Joseph.

Joseph came for counseling to deal with shame, feelings of rejection, embracing GOOD & BAD, and for hope. Joseph did some great work. And, as is often the case, I learned more from my client, Joseph, than whatever I was able to give him. He modeled to me what a it means to “act like a man.” Imagination is powerful!

May the story of Joseph coming to counseling be an inspiration to you now and the coming year.

Merry Christmas!

Ride ON!

Phil Hardin works as a Licensed Professional Counselor and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with Hardin Life Resources practicing in both Jackson, MS and Fairhope, AL.

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