How Taking the Seeming “HIGH ROAD” in Conflict-Resolution can Backfire!
“Anytime we go ‘silent,’ ‘suck it up’, ‘give in’, or do ‘penance’ just for the sake of wanting the conflict to end, we need to recognize there is nothing noble about this.”
By Karla Hardin, MS LPC
By Karla Hardin, MS LPC
As a counselor I spend a lot of my time with couples and families who are trying to resolve conflict. Over the years I have observed what I consider predictable patterns in this – some good, some bad and some really ugly.
I usually see people fall into two general categories… those who are “quick to absorb” and those who are “quick to blame”.
Of course relationships where both are “quick to absorb” are going to end conflict more quickly. Relationships where both are “quick to blame” can disintegrate really fast and become toxic. But the majority of relationships are a combination of one person who quickly “absorbs” and one person who quickly “blames”.
When “combination” couples come into my office, it is so tempting to focus on the one who blames since they don’t see their part in the problem and seem to lack humility or compassion for the other person’s position.
Their resistance to seeing their part easily can make them appear like the “bad guy” and the reason things are not resolving. There is no doubt they do need to change in their perception and delivery of the problem.
But instead, I want to look more closely at problems I have seen arise from being the “quick to absorb” style in conflict resolution. Often they see themselves as the “good guy” because they tend to make all the concessions and don’t see how their style is hurting themselves and their partner.
Those that gravitate towards the “quick to absorb” style often are unconsciously motivated by one or more of the following:
Fear of rejection
Hating conflict
Wanting peace at any cost
As noble as they might appear when they are the first to apologize or give into the other’s point of view, their motivation may be more about self-preservation than healthy conflict resolution.
Anytime we go “silent”, “suck it up”, “give in” or do “penance” just for the sake of wanting the conflict to end, we need to recognize there is nothing noble about this.
If our goal in resolving conflict is more about getting the conflict to stop than becoming healthier and more God honoring as a person and in our relationships, it will eventually backfire.
clear ways “absorbing” will backfire:
FIRST,
it commonly results in burnout. When you are constantly giving in, not speaking up, and holding your true feelings in, you can expect it will take a toll.
Sadly, I see this when new clients show up in my office that are one breath away from being “flat-lined” in their relationship and I ask them, ”Does your partner know that you are feeling this way?” The common response is “No.
By the time they reach my office they have already given their best years to trying to resolve conflicts by giving themselves away. All the years of absorbing have finally brought them to their breaking point. They are utterly exhausted.
This “absorbing” model often is the model that Christians have adopted. They think that they are honoring God by sacrificing their views, needs or feelings when there is a difference of opinion.
They have confused godly sacrifice with self-exploitation.
There is a big difference between these two. Jesus did not exploit Himself. But He rather chose to sacrifice His life as a direct response to God’s leading and will. Too many Christians think they are honoring God when they “suck it up.” - when in fact, they are just exploiting and devaluing themselves.
SECOND,
taking the “higher road” backfires because the partner who is unaware of how domineering they are or self-focused, are never made aware of the areas they need to grow in, which basically reinforces their hurtful and uncaring behaviors.
Ephesians 4:15 and Hebrews 10:24 remind us that we are to be stimulating growth of godly character in one another and one of the most clear cut ways to do this is “to speak the truth” in love.
So, you can see the high price you pay for “absorbing it” in conflict resolution.
When self-preservation is our underlying motive, we end up directly contributing to our own burnout and our partner’s blindness!
Instead, I would like to offer Galatians 6:1-5 as a foundational model we need to have in focus before we just seek to resolve conflict.
Our goal ought to be to see God honored in our attitudes, actions and relationships.
Therefore, consider these final thoughts:
Conflict resolution is not about getting my way or giving in. It is about our growth and being restored through the sanctification process so we can reflect God in every area of our lives.
I am called to “care” not “carry” another person’s’ responsibility or growth.
I am to always be looking at where I need to grow first and make conscious steps to obey even if it is uncomfortable.
I believe when we understand the higher goal of growth in godly character, we will see a better outcome in resolving conflict.
We will become the best version of our self and will show the deepest form of commitment to our partner by encouraging their growth as well.
So the next time conflict strikes: consider your style-tendency, take a deep breath, and make a conscious choice to move towards greater conflict health to not only promote the growth of the relationship, but your growth as an individual.
Karla Hardin is a Licensed Professional Counselor at Passionate Living Counseling and Trauma Specialist for Hardin Life Resources
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