The Need for Trust: Move from “I” to “We”
The quality of our life depends on the quality of trust we have in our relationships. Learn how to deepen yours.
By Philip K. Hardin, M.A., M. Div., LMFT, LPC
We cannot grow or heal in isolation. Isolation gives us a false sense of reality, leading us to believe we are doing better than we are…believing we don’t struggle like we used to…we’ve healed…or we’ve moved on.
“Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment. A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.”
Proverbs 18:1-2
The truth of the Bible tells me that I need others -a life lived in community, to become all God created me to be…to live a life full of love and freedom.
When I face challenges and struggles (usually with others), instead of isolating, I choose to move towards my fear and reach out. I have heard many say, “But I don’t trust anyone” and that is a sure-fire way to fail. Failure to heal and a guaranteed blindness to what I need.
To shift my “me-problems to make we-solutions” requires TRUST.
And trust requires some risk. Risk reaching out to know and be known. (Remember, baby steps for those of us who have suffered broken trust). Hang in there, it’s worth fighting for!
We are hardwired to connect with others for our own growth and development. With social brains, we learn if we are safe and if we are valued from those around us. Being in trustworthy relationships tells us both.
Consider these 4 principles of TRUST:
1. TRUST IS NECESSARY TO BE OUR BEST
If we can trust courageously that we know we have friends to stand with us in the most challenging times, then we will be given the strength to face the most daunting test. We gain perspective that past failures are not our present or future. What seemed impossible now becomes doable.
Trusting our teammates to walk with us through the hardest times can help us to overcome our fears and face the giants. Our best self will emerge in the context of supported, trusted relationship.
2. TRUST IS THE ANTIDOTE TO LONELINESS
You are not alone! When we realize that the darkness can be overcome by trusting our best friends or our spouse to help us through the tough times, we suddenly realize that we don’t have to go through this life alone. The negative voices in our head that make us think we are alone and cause us to live in bitterness, depression, self-doubt, defeat, and addiction.
We start believing that we are all alone and that no one can understand us. In reality, we are giving in to our fears and looking for ways to stay safe in unhealthy ways, like isolation or avoidance. When we do this, we create our own hell by not giving those that love us the opportunity to speak love into our darkness by believing we will be judged or disliked—it’s better to avoid them for fear of being judged or risk rejection.
3. TRUST IS CRITICAL TO BE YOUR REAL SELF
“You will never know who you are until you see yourself through the eyes of another.” – Larry Crabb. To look into another person’s eyes and trust them with our deepest, darkest secrets and letting them see the unedited version of ourselves requires great courage and vulnerability. People truly get to see you, FOR YOU—in all your brokenness.
When we exercise trust with safe people who see us when we are at our worst, we give them the opportunity to offer us a way to face our False Self and become our Real Self. This means, that for us—there is no longer cover up—we take of the mask, we come out of hiding, and fearing we will be found out. We experience freedom and are able to receive the love that is offered to us. Living without this kind of trust is exhausting. Trust allows us to live without lies and find contentment and joy.
4. TRUST IS THE BEDROCK OF GRATITUDE
When we exercise trust, we find that gratitude is easily expressed. We are able to express the gratitude for friends who care about us, support us, and offer the help we need to face the challenges of life.
People who don’t trust others, are generally negative and live in an energy that takes the air out of the room. They fear the worst and are convinced there is no hope of things changing. Their attitude becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy. As we trust in others for the resource they are, our perspective can be affected immediately. To hear, “I’m with you”, “you will get through this”, and “I believe in you.” Hearing that will change your life in the most difficult of circumstances. Trust in others will move you toward the gratitude that awakens you to life.
Trust is essential to life because it is the cornerstone of all relationships and life is relationship.
So, what steps can you take to walk out a life of trust. I offer the 3 F’s of living a life of trust.
TRUST: Moving from “I” to “We” – the 3 E’s:
1. EMPOWER OTHERS ON THEIR JOURNEY.
It may seem strange to begin the process of practicing trust with a directive to focus on others. However, that is exactly the way to overcome your own distrust. Get away from your own fears and self-protection and encourage others to reach their full potential. Give preference to others. Find out what others fear and speak into their fears.
Philippians 2:3 says: “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.” When you lack trust, you are caught up in your own narcissism as self-protection. Start caring about what others need and become the friend that can offer the resource that your friend needs to face their challenges. And, in doing so, you will begin to find healing in your own battle with trust. As you give to others, you will be exercising trustworthiness, and discovering a renewed ability to trust.
2. EXIT THE ROOM OF SELF-PITY.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself and living as a victim. “No one cares about me.” “They are against me.” “I just want to isolate.” These are all mantas in the Room of Self-Pity. That room is dark and hopeless. STOP!!! Walk out of that darkness into the light. Move toward others as an essential resource. Stop believing that everyone is against you and there is no one you can trust. That is a lie! Move toward safe people that will support and care for you.
3. ENVISION THE IMPACT OF YOUR STORY.
Every circumstance and relationship that you find to be challenging is meant to be used by God for your growth and can be used as a resource of healing for others. You are needed. Trust your story is a journey of healing and redemption.
Have the hope that as tough as NOW is, that the future is hopeful because God will make a way. Believe that your present life can be redeemed and restored to the life God designed for you. Walk through hard journey now so that, one day, you can tell the story of God’s care. Your story can have an impact on many.
May you be encouraged to live a more definitive life of TRUST through these words.
Ride ON!
Phil Hardin works as a Licensed Professional Counselor and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with Hardin Life Resources practicing in both Jackson, MS and Fairhope, AL. Phil’s heart is for men to personally experience God’s redemptive plan through sharing their story with a community committed to whole, authentic living. Check out Men’s Coaching Weekends to learn more.
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