3 Types Who Can’t Admit They’re Wrong and What To Do Next
Understand the person you’re ready to give up on and learn a fresh approach for resolution and healing.
By Philip K. Hardin, M.A., M. Div., LMFT, LPC
As a leader of a men’s ministry, sometimes I can get criticized for the way I handle situations.
My first inclination is to defend, blame, and deflect. I struggle to respond with humility. I find myself in an internal war battling my pride and defensiveness. I struggle with the tension either of becoming overly-responsible or not taking enough responsibility to address the problem.
Why is admitting failure so hard? Why is owning my weakness such a challenge?
From one broken person to another, here are my personal and professional reflections on why it’s difficult to admit our wrongs…and what to do next:
The Defensive, Self-Protective Person
When you are confronted about your behavior, even the humblest person can feel the need to self-protect, especially if you perceive you’re being attacked.
But people who won’t admit their mistakes tend to get defensive no matter how gently or positively you show them they could do something differently or better. They just respond with blame, criticism or deflect the issue entirely.
You can tell they didn’t put any thought or consideration into your feedback and seem to have lost any ability to see both sides.
They lose their objectivity and their ability to feel empathy for the other person, since their primary unspoken goal is to protect and keep their ego safe.
How To Approach A Defensive Person
Understanding that their defensiveness often masks insecurity can help us approach these people with more empathy.
People who are defensive usually have a deep-seated fear of judgment or rejection. They lack a strong self-esteem to feel emotionally safe enough to be wrong, i.e. to be vulnerable.
They equate mistakes with personal inadequacy, so they try their hardest to maintain their self-image. They fear that their complete identity is in question. They exaggerate the failure to such a degree that they cannot admit failure because to do so would seem like complete self-nihilation.
When we lead with understanding and empathy, while it doesn’t make the conversation any less challenging, it can help you navigate it with a bit more understanding, knowing that you’re dealing with someone who’s likely fighting their own internal battles of shame. Go slow. Be patient but stay focused on the behavior.
PRO TIPS:
#1. Help keep the other feel safe by approaching them with kindness and gentleness.
#2. Utilize the sandwich method to speak the truth in love: Bread (positive and gentle); meat (issue/behavior that needs confronting); and Bread again.
Example:
Bread: I am so grateful for who are and how you have led the men’s ministry so boldly and sacrificially.
Meat: At the same time, it’s come to my attention that some men have a problem with X. It seems like you’re avoiding addressing this and it is showing as poor leadership.
Bread: Again, we are so grateful for you and all you’ve contributed, just wanted to encourage you to address this before it snowballs.
#3 Remember NO ONE likes to be told “no” or that they could do something better. Risking hurting someone’s feelings or ego is not the same thing as harming them.
Hurt leads to growth and change. Harm keeps us all stuck.
The Perfectionist
Ever met someone who seemed so focused on getting everything just right, it became almost paralyzing?
This is what I struggled with a lot myself — and I’ll admit, it made me very reluctant to admit to my mistakes.
The thing is perfectionism isn’t just about striving for excellence; it’s an obsessive need to avoid mistakes at all costs. For people trapped in this mindset, admitting a mistake feels like admitting they are deeply flawed.
They believe their worth is tied to their performance, so any error, no matter how small, becomes a devastating blow to their self-esteem.
The irony is that perfectionism often leads to procrastination, indecision, and sometimes even addictive behavior to self-soothe.
How To Approach A Perfectionist
If you’re dealing with a perfectionist who won’t admit they’re wrong, understanding this internal struggle can help you approach the situation more empathetically.
The key is to help them see that mistakes are not only inevitable but valuable learning opportunities. And who knows? It might be the first step in breaking the shackles of their own impossible standards.
PRO TIPS:
#1 Ask, would you be open to my feedback? A perfectionist will only receive what they’re willing to hear.
#2 A perfectionist needs to understand grace and forgiveness for themselves before they can give it to others. This is where the Gospel of Jesus comes in big time. Framing errors as stepping stones to receiving more of God’s love, grace and security can sometimes help them lower their guard, and make them more receptive to constructive feedback.
#3 Remind them that there’s nothing they could do or not do that will change the way you care about them. Just like our position in Christ is secure, so is your care for them. This can provide the safety they need to hear the issue at hand.
The Person Who Needs Control
Ever find yourself in a situation where someone just can’t let go of the reins? I’ve felt that frustrating, stifling air around me, and honestly, it makes collaboration feel impossible.
People who have an insatiable need for control are often the ones who struggle the most with admitting mistakes. For them, control is a safety net, a way to manage the unpredictability of life.
To admit a mistake would mean acknowledging that they’ve lost control, even if only for a moment, and that’s a terrifying prospect for them.
These individuals have a specific idea of how things are or should go and deviating from that script feels like setting the stage for chaos. They need to control the narrative to feel safe.
How To Approach A High-Control Person
If you’re entangled with someone who can’t relinquish control, it’s tempting to push back, to wrestle the wheel away from them. But often, that only leads to more resistance.
Instead, the goal should be to make them feel secure enough to loosen their grip voluntarily.
This might mean assuring them that it’s okay to not have all the answers or demonstrating that others are capable and can be trusted.
PRO TIPS:
#1 You might say, “I’m not trying to be in control, and I know you’re not either. Let’s work together to find a way to feel safe.”
Remember, the need for control often stems from deeper insecurities and fears. Offering a safe space for vulnerability can sometimes crack open the door to admitting mistakes.
It allows them to see that control is not the only way to find safety; sometimes, it comes through collaboration, learning, and yes admitting when you’re wrong.
#2 Sometimes, I find these types need to have their narrative disrupted.
The narrative can be “I’m always right and everyone needs to see it my way”.
Try this technique to shake up their narrative:
You: When you talk over me and dismiss my feelings, I feel disregarded and diminished.
Them: [interrupting you] I don’t do that -only when you’re acting ridiculous.
You: “See, it’s happening right now.” [repeat as much as necessary].
When you are able to catch them in the act of doing the very thing you’re trying to confront them on, it shakes up the narrative they believe so strongly in and invites them to see there’s more going on in them and around them than they’ve chosen to look at.
Owning Your Wrongs as A Path To Personal Growth
You’ve just learned 3-character traits of people who won’t admit their mistakes. Do you recognize someone in these traits? Perhaps it’s even yourself.
Recognizing and admitting mistakes is not a sign of weakness; it’s a stepping stone to personal growth.
By confronting our flaws, we pave the way for meaningful change. It takes courage to own your failures.
When confronting those in resistance, do not fear! Don’t be intimidated, they are broken and in need of love, grace, and truth just like you.
Only through connection with others can we overcome self-protection, perfectionism, and the need to control.
Proverbs 1:5 – “A wise man will hear and increase in learning, and a man of understanding will acquire wise counsel.”
Phil Hardin works as a Licensed Professional Counselor and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with Hardin Life Resources practicing in both Jackson, MS and Fairhope, AL. Phil’s heart is for men to personally experience God’s redemptive plan through sharing their story with a community committed to whole, authentic living. Check out Men’s Coaching Weekends to learn more.
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