Do This! And Prevent Lifeless, Stunted, and Toxic Relationships For Good

The number one guideline to prevent stagnant, indifferent, draining, or toxic relationships from consuming your life.

By Karla S. Hardin, MS LPC-S

Who would believe the answer is found in a verse tucked in the Bible!

With my extensive counseling training, it is ironic that the best guideline to keep relationships healthy and growing is found in the over 2,000-year-old wisdom of scripture.

And I can honestly say, that even in my own life this verse has done more for me than any counseling tips I’ve ever heard.

What do stagnant, indifferent, draining, and toxic relationships have in common? They are all STUCK.

They have either started with unresolved conflict, unmet needs, exhaustion or simply giving into the other person’s demandingness.

Do a quick inventory right now…. Think of the relationships within your own family or your primary relationships. Do any of them fall into one of these categories?  If so, why do you think it is there?

How do we get “unstuck” in these relationships?

Ephesians 4:15 says,  “Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ,”

This verse stands on the important truth of John 1:14 which tells us Jesus came full of grace AND truth which stood as a clarification of John 1:17 “For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ”  

Ephesians 4 is talking about how we are all intended to work together with the model of Christ not only in our families but our church and communities at large. It implies that the overall goal is to grow and mature in every area which produces unity and Christlike character.

As Christians, we are committed to maturing, but often we let our less-than-ideal relationships sideline our growth and witness of a changed life.

So, to keep relationships moving and not getting locked up like rusted gears, we need two critical elements according to John 1:14 and Ephesians 4:15.

Grace AND Truth

Truth IN love.

I want to highlight the most important words in these – “and” and “in”.

What I have learned and observed over 25 years of counseling is that most of my clients are in my office because they don’t recognize the and or in, in their relationship dynamics.

In marriage and families, I find one person is usually focused on leading with grace or love. This is where they want their kindness, love, or patience to do the speaking for them. They think if they model this behavior that their spouse or children will follow their example and return the behavior.

Guess what? That RARELY happens. 

What does happen?

The partners or children, disregard, take advantage of, ignore or even bully those they say they love.

What happens to the person leading with love?

Their kindness turns to tolerance, and their patience turns to enduring and they are begrudging in their love. And over time they realize they are in one of our four stuck relationships.

Then there is the person who leads with truth.

This person thinks that it is their job to correct, redirect, steer and control other’s actions and attitudes toward “right/truth” in all they do. Of course, they believe it’s for the good of everyone. But this stance tends to minimize feelings of others and it can rob people of taking responsibility for their actions.

This person will start to feel like people have pulled away from them and don’t include them and will feel they have more superficial relationships because those they have sought to direct are weary, feel run over and actually do begin to avoid them.

When we operate without truth in love in our relationships, our God-given dignity gets compromised.

If we lead with love and grace only – we disregard our own dignity.

If we lead with truth only –we disregard others’ dignity.

Truth in love implies they are inseparable.

So, practically speaking, which are you leading with in your relationships?

Especially as you look back on the first question I asked about your primary relationships. Pick one of your stuck relationships and see if you need more love in it or more truth in it.

If you need MORE LOVE in your style of relationships try these tips:

1. Lead with listening.  “What are your thoughts..” “I’m curious what led you to do that..”

2. Don’t tell. Ask. “What do you think is a good way to handle that?” “Let me hear your ideas first.” “Are you wanting my input on this or do you just want me to listen?”

3. Verbalize value. “I can tell you want to do the right thing.” I am confident you can figure it out”. “You take the lead on this as it’s your life and I will support however.”

If you need MORE TRUTH in your relationships try these tips:

1. Start a sentence with “I”. “I would actually like to …” “I need to say no at this time.” I want to let you know where I am at,” “I see it differently.”

2. Set boundaries with consequences. “If you have more than two drinks, I won’t ride home with you.” “If you put me down or raise your voice, I am going to end the conversation by leaving the room.”

3. Know thyself. Being passive is not a healthy option. Discover and form your own convictions. Know your likes and dislikes. Express who you are out loud.

Healthy relationships are a main variable in our growth and sanctification as a Christian.

When your relationships are stuck, so are you!

See what is missing in your relationships –either truth or love, and begin to add them back in.  If you need a coach or counselor to help you gain these skills –Find one that can help guide you to become more honest with yourself and challenge you to move forward in your ability to honor God and one another as a way of life!

Karla Hardin is a Licensed Professional Counselor Supervisor, Workshop Developer, Facilitator, and Trauma Specialist for Hardin Life Resources

Click below to SHARE with a friend or Subscribe for more tips: